Have you ever thought., “I could move on if I just got closure?”  Whether it’s moving on from a relationship or an issue inside the relationship, most emotionally healthy human beings want closure. Healthy people typically apologize for the wrongs about the relationship, take credit for the good things, and wish each other well. It is a way to saying, “I’ve done by best and so have you, and here is the result.” It’s shutting the door to what might have been and looking to the future. When trying to get closure with a narcissist however, don’t hold your breath. You won’t get it.

First, the narcissist takes delight in having the other person beg for forgiveness or answers.  It gives the narcissist the control and power over the other half that the narcissist so desperately needs.  The narcissist once again controls the narrative. Here are 8 ways to outsmart the controlling narcissist

Secondly, the narcissist has no empathy, so he or she really doesn’t care about the destruction left in their wake. The narcissist’s needs always come first, so it doesn’t matter that yours weren’t or will never be met.  Their needs were met and that’s all that matters. Here are 7 ways empathy differs from narcissistic traits

Thirdly, the narcissist can use the lack of closure as a form of punishment. If you were the one to end the relationship, it can be a way to get revenge.  Or, it may be to tell you just how unimportant that you are.  They want you to feel unworthy of any answers. Here are 3 Reasons Why Narcissists Hate Closure

Along these same lines, the narcissist also gets some supply knowing you are still pining away for answers. The narcissist relishes in knowing you are suffering and not moving on. The narcissist can’t apologize, because that would mean being vulnerable. It would admit to being wrong, and the narcissist cannot be wrong. To be incorrect means to be imperfect, which stirs up all kinds of emotions the narcissist carries, deeply hidden, from scars you didn’t cause. A narcissist cannot look at his or her own flaws because it’s just too painful.

closure with a narcissist
  1.  Go no contact or minimal contact.  This applies to those who have left the narcissist.   Don’t check up on them or worry about how they are.  Don’t peruse their social media pages to see how they are doing. This can help you move on.
  2. Stop romanticizing the relationship.  Remember that phrase “It is what it is?”  Well, you say the real person when the mask fell off.  The real person is the narcissist who hurt you, depleted your self-esteem and confidence, and left you damaged, and heart broken.   Don’t think about the good times.  Often there really weren’t that many, and they were contrived acts or dates mean to hook you, not to truly get to know you and take care of you.
  3. Don’t believe the new supply is getting it better than you had.  Narcissists typically get worse as they age, and the love-bombing period gets shorter and shorter.  The saturation of the over the top love is exhausting for the narcissist, and the narcissist needs to reach the point in the relationship more quickly each time, so they get the supply they need.  The new love does NOT have it better than you.  In fact, it’s much worse, no matter what the narcissist portrays.
  4. Find your voice.  Write down your values, morals, and purpose.  What do you stand for and believe in?  What do you want your purpose on this earth to be?  Is it to raise healthy, happy, grounded kids?  Is it to help other survivors of abuse?  What is it?

When you do the steps above, you can have closure.  It is closure because you don’t look back and waste any more time on the narcissist.  The best karma – and closure – is going on to live your best life of priceless peace and joy.