Divorcing a narcissist isn’t easy. If you could rewind the clock and take a glimpse at me on the day I divorced the narcissist, you would find me curled up on the floor of my bedroom, crying and shaking. It felt like the worst day of my life. Little did I know it would turn out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I just had to get through the pain to get to the other side.
It is not a normal breakup. Most healthy people part ways with some animosity, but over time, the hostility fades, and the divorced couple can at least be civil if they run into each other. With a narcissist, this isn’t the case.
Here’s why:
- The narcissist will not get over the abandonment. If it was your choice to leave, and sometimes even if it wasn’t, the narcissist will have a narcissistic injury and inflict as much pain as possible on you in return. Narcissists also like to play the victim because it takes the focus off what they did to you.
- Divorcing a narcissist is as difficult as it gets. Doing that on top of dealing with your issues and agony while navigating your life just adds to the list. But when the narcissist is out to get you, it can make a divorce feel like a wound that just won’t heal.
- It hurts worse to divorce a narcissist due to the trauma bonds associated with toxic relationships. Trauma bonds are emotional ties we develop to our abusers. We live for the thrill we feel when the narcissist demonstrates kindness or perceived love. We hold on to that version of the narcissist, never losing hope, even when the abuse stretches out for long periods between the good times. It’s like drug addiction, but the drug is the narcissist. We stay for the high.
- The narcissist will bully you through the divorce process and beyond. Narcissists are like the kid who dropped their sucker in the sandbox when something doesn’t go their way. They throw a fit and try to make you repent.
- You face the unknown, yet you are still likely dealing with what the narcissist told you your new life would look. Narcissists like to plant seeds of doubt such as, “You can’t live without me,” and, “No one will love you like I love you.”
There are ways to make divorcing the narcissist the best decision you’ve ever made, and it starts long before you file any paperwork.
- First, start documenting the abuse as far back as you can remember. Assign the closet date possible to the incident and record it on paper or your computer. Make sure the narcissist does not have access to your documentation. This will help you, legally and emotionally. Legally, paperwork stands up in a court of law. Emotionally, you will romanticize the relationship, and your written account of the abuse can knock you back into reality.
- Secondly, meet with divorce attorneys to ask the questions you have about divorce in your state or country. This doesn’t mean you have to use that attorney or file for a divorce, but these steps will give you confidence in yourself. You gain some control back because you are handling important decisions on your own, regardless of what the narcissist has told you about your capabilities.
- Also, find a good therapist to help guide you through your emotions during the divorce process. A therapist can be a (confidential) rock for you to navigate new feelings and old hurt.
- When you are divorcing the narcissist, do your best to avoid being around them and speaking with them. Do not communicate except through your attorney. If you have children, share the necessary information only via email. Narcissists are inherent bullies, and they won’t back down until you make them. For example, Shane, my ex, told me what he would give me during the divorce and that I would be a failure without him. When I listened, I was terrified and hysterical. When I let the attorney handle the negotiations, I got what I needed and built a wonderful new life.
- Finally, face your grief head-on. Feel the emotions. Cry and scream if you need to. The heartache will be like a roller coaster, because one day you will feel relieved and empowered, and the next day you might feel you can’t survive. But you will. Ask yourself, “Am I mourning my dream or the person I thought they were?” Most likely, you are grieving what you wanted. That’s okay. New dreams are around the corner!
These are just a few of the points that I cover in my new book out this Fall called Girl, Get Out; How to Safely Leave a Narcissist and Keep Your Kids, Money, Sanity and Soul. What took me five years to learn is condensed into this manuscript. It is a roadmap to peace.
Survivors often ask me if I would marry Shane all over again. My answer is an emphatic no, unless it meant, hypothetically, that I wouldn’t have my son. However, I would divorce Shane again if my life could look like it does right now. I am the happiest I have ever been. I have found peace, joy, hope and yes, true love. You can, too.
It is a symbiotic relationship, the narcissist deriving most of the benefit. Laura, you mention the feeling of utter devastation when you divorced. Most of the time when we get rid of something causing chaos, all varieties of trauma, and destruction of hopes and dreams, it seems like a great ballast has been thrown overboard. We rise above and feel free of whatever tethered us to darkness. But somehow divorcing the narcissist feels like the ballast was a part of our own bodies. Mine was like I was cutting off my own feet. And I had to do the cutting. It was my blood I was seeing, not his. It was my loss of financial support, not his. It was my “getting” the house then going through the foreclosure and 7 yrs of bad credit. He sailed on.
I think the narcissist likes ballast. And they collect trophies from their victims like serial killers do. When we throw them over, they grasp bits of our once-healthy psyche. Mine could (figuratively) take my feet with him. At 37, I was stuck living with my parents, with a loss of income, no transportation, post-narcissist traumatic stress disorder, and 13 yrs of lost friendships and other important relationships. Those were his trophies, too.
In the aftermath of divorce from a narcissist, it is not just that they are gone, though we are grateful for that. It is also that they have taken so much of us with them. And to be healthy again, we have to regenerate the feet and hands and other losses. For me, the liberation from him left me feeling the scary part of not being tethered or leashed anymore. Where do I go? What do I do? Who can I trust?
We must find our own identities again — feet and cognition and self-esteem and support and, above all, a new language. It took me a long time to realize I divorced not only the man who had been in my bed, but I had to divorce the language of abuse and learn a new more gentle and considerate language for talking to myself. This is what gave me buoyancy. And still I rise, as Maya Angelou said.
Frieda, I’m only 3 months free after 40 years……and I am 79 years old! I identify and feel your pain…I am relieved and hurting at the same time. There was money at one time… more than we needed but my husbands greed and sense of importance squandered all that leaving only pensions to still qualifies me for low income help!
I am healthy…young for my age and he at 86 thinks he is still a Casanova!
I cheer the day I had enough strength to kick him out. I’m going to manage just fine….I don’t care what happens to him!
Help!! I am currently in the same situation and I feel like I am drowning. Seems as if he has the upper hand and even my attorney is helping him more than me.
Freida, I am a little over 5 years away from my narcissist after an abusive 38 years filled with lying, cheating and manipulating. It was her that wanted the divorce. I realize now how bad a situation I was in. I have just now begun to feel good about myself and understand that I have no idea what a healthful relationship must be like. I,too, feel the loss of relationships (most notably kids and grandkids). These articles and Dr. Carters videos are definitely opening my eyes to what I need to continue healing. I am still dealing with a few ‘flying monkeys’ but am learning how to deal with them. And RH, please find an attorney that is fully in your corner. You need strong support right now. I hope you get what you need.