The woman on the other end of the phone couldn’t understand me because I was crying so hard. I had seen an excerpt of a talk by Rebecca Lynn Pope, Spiritual Leader and Life Coach, at Bishop T.D. Jakes Megafest Conference. (This is of course back when conferences could happen.) After hearing Rebecca, I thought, “I have to work with this woman! She gets it, and I know she will get me!” That was the start of my healing from narcissistic abuse.
You see, I was raised by a narcissist then married one. The cumulative effect of the abuse finally brought me to my knees after I divorced the narcissist in 2015. That’s when I found myself curled up on my bedroom floor, on the phone with Rebecca. I couldn’t go on anymore. I hurt so badly that I thought there’s no way that I can raise my son, work and continue to live. I just wanted the pain to stop. I had worked with a therapist for 25 years, but I need one giant push to get over the threshold and past my pain.
If you feel you are this low, there is good news in your situation. When you hit rock bottom, you can only go up. And when we are at our lowest, sometimes God works wonders in our lives. Why? Because we finally, fully invite Him in. We listen to others who have been through the same things. WE will try anything to feel better.
Survivor often ask me, “How did you begin healing from narcissistic abuse?What was that like?”
Healing from narcissistic abuse is different for everyone, but it does have one consistent trait among those men and women who have gone on to live peacefully and joyfully away from the narcissist. That one trait is dedication. You must dedicate yourself to healing. It is not a passive experience.
Here is what has worked for me and thousands of other men and women who have moved on:
- Make healing a priority. Every day you plan your day around your healing activity for the day. It cannot come second to anything. Get up early if you need to.
- Find a good therapist who understands narcissistic abuse. Mine even met my narcissistic parent when I was 19, and subsequently mt the narcissist I married. He got it, and till does.
- Find a recovery coach. There are men and women who have survived narcissistic abuse, and sometimes, we can take your healing a step further simply because we’ve been there. If you haven’t had therapy, I believe in finding a therapist first. One you’ve worked through the cognitive results of the abuse, and you’re ready for someone to help you develop a plan for healing and your next five years, this is where a life coach or recovery coach can help. I used to use my grandmother’s phrase, “Oh, that’s hogwash,” until I was the victim who need someone to hold my hand. And it worked. I did everything Rebecca said, and I am the happiest I have been in my life.
- Find a divorce class or group. Surround yourself on a regular basis by people who have been through what you are going through. You are NOT alone. Be careful though. Sometimes these groups can quickly evolve into a “Friend group” with members dating each other and seeing each other at regularly scheduled events. Recently a good friend called me, a bit upset. She was been dating a member of her church’s divorce group. Her boyfriend had broken up with her and immediately moved on to another member of the group. She was hurting all over again. My friend is amazing! She’s smart, beautiful and great mom. My heart was breaking for her. Remember, hurt people hurt people. Your heartbreak is enough for this lifetime. I know mine was!
- Join an online support group. There is Victorious Voices, my group on Facebook. It is a closed group so no one can see what’s posted there except the members. Click here to check it out and join, of you’d like.
- Connect with a spiritual healer or someone from your church. My faith is important to me, and it helped me by having someone pray with me and for me on a regular basis. It felt good to know someone was there.
- Reconnect or connect with good friends who understand what you’ve been through. If a person doesn’t understand, but is a great listener, that is fine, too. Stay away from the toxic people who ask questions and judge your decisions. No one should tell you how to live and critique your life choices. No one knows what went on in your relationship, and frankly, if they aren’t going to support you, it’s none of their business. Keep it moving.
Remember that healing is not linear. It feels like a roller coaster. But if you commit to healing, you will heal your heart and soul, and others around you will notice. Your family will benefit. Mostly, you get to be you again. You get to find peace!
Finally, my next book, Girl, Get Out; How to Safely Leave a Narcissist with Your Kids, Money, Sanity and Soul, will be published this Fall. It took me five years to develop a plan to escape my narcissistic relationship, and another three years to heal. I am sharing my story with you, so you can save time and heal your broken heart more quickly that I did. Stay turned for the release date!
In the meantime, I have a free ebook available for download. Here is the link to do so: