The title of this article might confuse people. You’re thinking “Laura, what do you mean letting go of hope will be my new armor?” The truth is, at the end of the day narcissist’s probably won’t ever change. Here is my most recent experience that proves this theory:
Last week, I told you about my experience with my mother in the kitchen on Thanksgiving morning. If you missed the article in last week’s email, here is a recap: My mother, the narcissist, showed me compassion and love for the first time in decades, if not ever. Dad was in the hospital, recovering from triple bypass surgery, and Mom was baking a dessert. We were chatting about Dad and some recent life challenges, and I accidentally teared up. Instead of dismissing me like usual, my mother hugged me and told me it would all be okay.
After I dried my face, I left for a run to work off all the pumpkin pie I would eat, as it’s a favorite. As I plodded along through the hilly neighborhood in Little Rock, I thought to myself, “Wow. This is what it must feel like to have a mother on your side. I feel like I am supported and can do anything.”
However, I reigned in my elation. In the back of my mind, I knew this “new” version of my mother wouldn’t last. She is a narcissist, after all. At 73, she is not changing. Long ago, I learned to let go of that hope. Letting go is what has saved my soul, emotional wellbeing, and life.
Three days later, my brother called. He told me that Dad checked himself out of the hospital early, only five days after open-heart surgery. Dad felt like he would recuperate better at home.
My brother and I were alarmed. Their home only has bedrooms upstairs. Our parents decided against renting a hospital bed, saying they didn’t need it. My mother then said she wasn’t sleeping on the pull-out sofa with Dad because it was too uncomfortable. She would sleep upstairs, and Dad could call her cell phone if needed. After all, she needed her rest, she said. Dad would be climbing stairs soon, she said.
The next morning, my brother walked into a mess. Dad had gotten up in the middle of the night to let out the dog and had an accident. He was okay, albeit a little rattled.
After many phone calls, I arranged home health care to staff their home with a nurse and deliver a hospital bed within two hours. My brother and I felt like we couldn’t take any chances.
Things seemed to settle down during the next few days. Dad was recovering quickly, and he adored the nurses. Mary was his favorite, as she would rub his head and shoulders with lotion and have long conversations with him about her childhood.
I traveled to Arkansas to check on them again. This time, I walked into a hornets’ nest. My mother was furious that we had hired nursing care. She wanted the hospital bed taken away immediately, despite my father saying he loved his nurses and the hospital bed. After fifteen minutes of mom’s wrath, I said, “Mom, then we will cancel the nurses. You handle it.”
Mom then said, “I wish you had never been born.”
Ouch.
Yes, it hurt, but this was also an early Holiday gift. I knew I had never measured up to her impossible standards. No matter what I’ve done or will do will meet her criteria.
Surprisingly, I felt profound peace come over me. I had been given permission, finally, just to be Laura. The main reason I was not devastated by such a comment was that I was prepared. I know narcissism. I’ve lived it for four decades. These people don’t change, and in some cases, get worse as they age.
That said, my hope for you is that you take care of yourself, however that looks. Don’t put your happiness or peace in the hands of the narcissist. Let go of the hope.
Here is what Dr. Henry Cloud said about hope in a Facebook post:
The time when you get to hopelessness can be one of the best moments for your future. To give up hope that something is going to change when it is not going to gets you unstuck immediately and brings energy. It brings life to the sickness of hope deferred.
Giving up hope is not giving in. It’s a gift to yourself of freedom, peace, and contentment. You deserve this and more.
Remember that you are worthy, and you are loved. You are more than enough. And I am glad you were born. If you are interested in online counseling, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: https://betterhelp.com/survivingnarcissism
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I relate so much with your article. A difference is that is my partner for 11 years.
For the past year, since I descuber Dr. Carter, I have transformed myself. I understood my partner never ever would be the loving and caring man I want, and enjoy the glinse of humanity that sometimes appears, without losing myself and without forgetting my escaping plan 😁
Hi Laura,
I’m sorry you had/are having all this worry for your Dad. I do hope that things have settled and that he is getting the help and care he needs, one way or the other. I’m so sorry that this is turning into such a painful time. You’ve been put into a no win situation… and yet, in a way, your Dad chose this as well as your mum. You are not responsible for sorting out the problems of other adults, even when they’re your parents. You can only do what you can do, and what it is healthy for you to do.
The message in this post I identify with completely. When there is no hope, we don’t dance to their tune anymore: we have realised that it won’t make any difference. Sometimes, I think they only occasionally make us comfortable so the knife will sink that much deeper. My own mother certainly had a great need for me to be the ‘bad’ person she said I was. Not just to me, but now, I realise, she said it to everyone behind my back, throughout my life.
The other night I was unsettled, and I said to my partner that there was nothing I could have done to get her to love me. That the decision over that was made a long time ago. When you say that you know you never measured up to her impossible standards… it’s more than that. No matter what you do, in their mind you can never be ‘good’ because that would bring their world view tumbling down. My mother said the same thing to me too, over and over.
I am glad you were born too. And you are enough, you are worthy and thank you for reaching out to all of us in this community.
Also, I came to my therapist thanks to your and Dr C’s recommendation of Better Help and I couldn’t be happier, so thank you so much for that 🙂
Laura: Thank you so much for your article. I am still “married” to the narcissist. What keeps me grounded is recognizing it realistically. I believe what you described is the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse. It is very predictable. In the past, I had false hope. Giving up false hope is part of healing from the cycle of abuse.
Thanks for sharing this. It feels good to know that letting go of certain expectations or hope is okay.
Blessings
Laura, I know that it is so painful to be hurt by your mother. I see your mother as a very fragile person. She was angry because she saw your intervention, not as something to help your dad heal, but as taking control of her life away from her. She was unable to handle her feelings in a normal heathly way. Your story made me sad, not only for you, but for your mother. Most other moms would welcome the loving care that you tried to provide. Your mom felt very threatened, and that is sad. Despite the hurt that your mom delivers to you, I am thankful that you keep trying to have as good a relationship as possible. Your mom cannot handle loss of control. That is part of her flawed nature. Thanks for your sharing, and trying to help others who need encouragement.
Thanks Laura, that’s more than an ouch! Putting up shields to protect ourselves from their abuse is the only thing we can do, besides going no contact. It’s such a shame that THEIR wounds play inside their heads like a broken record and spreading their hatred and wrath for revenge among those who love them; just to somehow make them feel better for something they don’t remember or even recognize. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thanks for sharing Laura. I am so sorry that in the ‘lottery of life’ you got “herself” for a mother. Your article makes so much sense, otherwise you would be setting yourself up for heartbreak after heartbreak. Having lived with one for 15 yrs. now & coming to better understand a Covert, passive-aggressive, somewhat malignant Narc., I agree – they will never change. Thank you & Dr. Carter…. and Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I too have many hopes smashed upon the rocks stories where I end up cursing myself for falling for their inability to ever be decent. May I ask then, what do you do when you have NO hope what-so-ever? So many let downs, so many lies, I literally feel as if I do not have hope. I haven’t had any for too many years to count. I don’t get excited at life, I don’t make plans, I have no hopes for my future. I feel as if I am the walking dead. what’s the point really? All I have seen is in this world is far too many horrible beastly people that would rather hurt than help, condemn than lift up. Someone once told me when I was so much younger, when you feel so sad, help other’s worse off than you, so in turn you might reflect on your own situation and not feel so bad. I have helped so many in my lifetime, only to be left time and time again. So, I don’t hope, I keep to myself. I don’t trust anyone anymore.
Hi Laura, I’m grateful for your ongoing support and understanding.
This article, is yet the most poignant for me.
I just phoned my mother after not getting calls from her after my birthday (over a month). She, however, did call my adult son a few days ago.
The short of it is, she hung up on me after I tried to say that I was aware of certain double standards. Her hanging up on me was also a gift, she’d rather torture me than say she wished I’d never been born,and to me, her actions have the same meaning.
I no longer drive myself crazy with guilt or obligation. This will be the first Christmas I won’t be sending not even a card. Mean? no, self preserving. I don’t hate her, I just can’t afford to talk to her.
Oh, and, I hope your dad is recovering nicely. He is so blessed to have you and your brother.
Dr. Laura, I’m sorry you had to endure that. There’s only One Living Hope that will never give up on us. You mentioned Dr. Henry Cloud, I have his (and Dr. Pete Townsend’s) Boundaries in Marriage on my desk as I write this, and have listened to New Life Live over many years. I also had to deal with hospital beds and in home care for my wife for some time, too.
Dear Laura, You are a peach and that is all there is to it. Your father is so lucky to have you and your brother. Your mother is as selfish as they come. What does she think she would do without your father if God forbid, the worst happened. He is her main source of narcissistic supply. I don’t believe narcissists are as smart as they think they are and that your mother is a case in point. They are just really sneaky and wicked. My mother is one too. I could tell you stories and I know this is not the only one you have to tell.
To go off point, I wonder where narcissists’ souls go when they pass. I have often wondered what the Almighty does with them. Anyway, my best to you and please enjoy the holidays. Regards.
I would like to provide additional insight based on my own experience. My father is a full blown narcissist. My Mother was our primary care giver. 6 years ago she had a stroke, that is a whole other topic. My siblings and I felt the strong desire and obligation to make sure her care was the best it could be. That meant going up against my dad. If this gives you any clue as to what this has been like, my Mother has had over 33 caregivers in their home in those 6 years. Yes, I said over 33 and they aren’t gone because of her. Last year, after the urging of neighbors and caregivers I started the legal process of guardianship for both of my parents who are in their 90s now. Can you only imagine my hell trying to seek guardianship of a narcissist? In the final 48 hrs prior to court, their doctor changed her testimony to stating my father did not need a guardian. My Attorney advised me to drop the case because our lead witness, their doctor, wasn’t going to take the stand. When I dropped the case, now my father adores me, what can he do for me, do I need any money (money is a whole other topic that is disastrous.) In July, a switch flipped inside him and I am back to being a non-entity (his words), called a B on a regular basis, only refers to me by my married name because he doesn’t have a daughter, etc., etc., etc. I had to come to the realization, I can’t save my mother from the grips of this man and I must save myself, my marriage and my own immediate family. To top it off, my brother is now the lead flying monkey for our father. I have lost my parents and sibling, but I found myself, my happiness and my marriage. I am a very happy grandmother that is sorry I couldn’t help out my Mom but I saved myself. Laura, as they age, it doesn’t get better. No Contact has been the best thing I have done for myself.