During the last week, Dr. Carter and I have had several heartbreaking questions from Surviving Narcissism community members and clients, all experiencing parental alienation. Maybe it’s the post-holiday destruction left in a narcissist’s wake, or the dawn of a New Year and hope for change, that prompts the question “What can I do?” Regardless of the reason, this is one of the most challenging situations to address, no matter the children’s age and whether the ostracized parent is dad or mom.
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a term used to describe situations where one parent uses the children as weapons after a relationship breakdown. This can happen in marriage or in the wake of a short relationship that produced the child. Alienation occurs when the toxic parent, often a narcissist, wants control over the child and money associated with the child. The poisonous parent’s mission is to hurt the other parent.
A narcissist uses systematic teaching and “brainwashing” to lure the child into thinking and agreeing with that parent. The toxic parent wants the child to hate the other parent as much as he or she does. Many times, to win the conditional love of the narcissistic parent, the children fall easily into this trap.
- The alienator may take actions such as missing or blocking visits with the other parent.
- Make untrue accusations about child abuse.
- Tell the child lies about the other parent, with a tiny element of truth attached to make it believable.
- Sway flying monkeys to take the side of the alienator, so the toxic parent has support when needed in court or family situations.
- Encourage the child to miss visits with the healthy parent.
- Continue to be the fun, non-disciplinary parent, so the child doesn’t want to leave (i.e., “Disney Land Dad or Mom”)
- Encourage the child to lie to the parent about spending extra time together.
Kids follow along to please the toxic parent. Children may tell themselves, even at a young age, things like this:
- “I have to do what Dad says so he will love me.”
- “If I don’t hate Dad as Mom does, she won’t love me.”
- “Mom says I need to lie to Dad. Maybe if I do, they won’t fight as much.”
Being the pawn in a game between parents can cause psychological distress in a child. Understandably, there might be fear, anxiety, guilt, and confusion because the child is hearing one story from the toxic parent but witnessing opposite behavior from the healthy parent. Psychologists say this can cause problems with kids later in life.
Healthy parents are left with the sole responsibility of raising emotionally healthy kids and building some sort of relationship with the children.
Here are some recommendations from the Facebook Group, “Actions Against Abuse UK.”
- Stay calm. Anger and aggression can make things worse for your child.
- Have good legal representation.
- Try mediation, and if that doesn’t work, be prepared for family court.
- Keep all custody arrangements and comply with the decree with no changes.
- Make your home a safe and stable place for your child.
- Set up a bank account for your older child and make regular deposits.’
Dr. Carter and I discussed parental alienation at length, and we came up with a few more recommendations as to what else you can do as you navigate such a storm. First, Dr. Carter says, to keep the lines of communication open with the child. Remind your child that you love them unconditionally, no matter what. Even with there’s pushback by the other parent or the child doesn’t respond, continue to reach out occasionally. A simple “thinking of you” text can help.
Secondly, I have seen with my clients who have experienced parental alienation that the healthier ostracized parent is, the better things can turn out for all involved. If you have worked on healing and rebuilding your life after narcissistic abuse, you can stand firm when you need to handle challenging situations. Kids comprehend when mom or dad has grown in power and strength, and they can sense the healthier parent being more emotionally stable than the toxic parent.
Finally, Dr. carter and I both agree that you can hold on to hope, but not to your detriment. There is always the possibility of a breakthrough. When we do our best and keep our side of the street clean, then the lane is open for good things to happen.
My own experience is that of my own mum pushing me away from my daughter and my daughter doing the same thing to me as well. It took my daughter seeing my mother literally explode in a rage that went south as she tried to punch Stephanie who is autistic and high functioning. Stephanie came home with mum and was so upset in tears that she entered our house using the word toxic. This is how I came to be alerted to things not being right, but un all honesty I had felt things weren’t right for a good while and I was despairing at how my own feeling towards my mother were the same as they were for my daughter. This to me, rung it’s own alarm bells but as usual I felt there was nothing I could do about it. Other alarm bells went off with behaviour that was also concerning, for example “Its my way or the highway” being said to me, also a very hard coming down attitude in discipline over things that doesn’t really have anything to gain especially with Stephanie becoming rebellious as a previous result of such actions. I just think, that this situation can also be applied to a narcisstic parent, in essence my own mothers behaviour has become her own undoing. Because in the end me backing off seemed to be the only thing I could do, nothing else was working and try as I might mum and Stephanie had pushed me out. I have to concentrate on my own to other special needs children as well. In the end I had no choice and mum’s behaviour became her own undoing. That and knowledge from youtube for me, 1 book I managed to purchase about toxic behaviour opened my eyes quite scarily so and then trying to educate my husband and so on to my daughters. As a victim of life as a child and as an adult child of narcisstic parent who has literally gone off the rails. I think many families need all the help they can get, us included.
What do I do when th eone trying to alienate me from my daughter is the step mom. And dad is going along with it and following his wifes lead by trying to keep me from my daughters activiites and telling my daughter that mom isn’t allowed to go?
I have definitely been going through this. I left through the ER 7 months ago and I have almost no contact with my children (8 of them) now. It has taken this long for a psych evaluation to prove his allegations are unfounded and to have unsupervised visits with them. I am seeing fewer of them each visit, with only the youngest 3 at the last one. I don’t know that they have even gotten the letters I have tried to send. It’s very messy for sure, but I keep pressing forward. The healing I have had so far is incredible. I will keep fighting for them. And doing my best to love them in every creative way I can. Thanks for the good article!
So sorry this happened to you. Stay strong. Brighter days are ahead. Kids aren’t dumb they will eventually figure it out.
That’s all lovely but we’re way past this in my family. My alienated daughter is 32. I filed for divorce nearly a year ago after 38 years of marriage. Divorce is now final. My daughter has now cut off all contact and won’t allow me to see or communicate with my grandkids, or even send them gifts. She went from telling me she was supportive of me to this. She also accused me of a string of abusive behavior that never happened, and I’ve now caught her telling several wopping lies about me. She and her husband have sent me a string of vicious emails. I finally have unfriend them on Facebook, blocked them from emailing me, and sent them several of your videos and some other videos and said “this is exactly how you have been treating me and other members of the family for years and I’m done with it.” I doubt I’ll ever see my grandkids again and I’m quite positive she’s running all over badmouthing me to everyone and anyone who will listen, which includes my family and my church community. She also has actively tried to undermine my relationship with my other daughter and my son, both of whom are adults and who have now cut off contact with her because of her interactions with them. She’s also made trouble between my other daughter and her husband. And she has resumed contact with my ex. I strongly suspect my ex of molesting her at some point and from what I can tell she’s well on her way to allowing him access to her kids. So it’s about a lot more than just “gray rock” the ex to smooth things over. At this point, quite honestly, I’d just say fine, no contact with her for the rest of my life. I’m completely sick about my grandkids. And, honestly, I’m not sure this whole “be the calm rock in the storm thing” works. I did that. I had no clue narcissism existed until a year and a half ago and the minute I figured it out I filed for divorce, but nothing I did made the slightest bit of difference when it came to my daughter. She’s been his flying monkey and apparently a budding narcissist herself since she was 5 years old.
Thank you for the article and information. I am not an expert in the field, but have researched and studied the topic for some time. I am concerned as to the wording and incorrect use of the term Parental Alienation Syndrome. PAS is the manifestation or syndrome (diagnosis) in the child/ren, caused by the actions of Parental Alienation. What you defined is PA, not necessarily PAS, except in the small part of the article describing how it may play out in kids.
There is so much confusion in understanding PA, that clear language is important. Perhaps this could be edited.
I was also unclear in understanding the last bullet point of definitions, about spending extra time.
Amy J Baker, Dr. Richard Warshak, and many others have written books, articles, and you tube videos available on the subject. It is real, there is no easy, quick fix, the pain and damage rubs deep and effects generations of people, if not repaired.
Thank you trying to raise awareness; much more detail and in depth discussion is necessary to fully understand PA and make changes that will last.
How do you repair something like this when the alienated “child” (parent now) refuses to accept reality? I don’t even see how that’s possible. We keep talking about fixing these situations as though that’s even a realistic possibility. My therapist keeps asking me if I have any hope that my daughter will change her mind. I’m so tired of being asked this I could scream. No, of course I don’t think she will change her mind. She has a firm narrative of herself as the victim and me as the perpetrator and her narcissist father as, apparently, also the victim. To change her mind she’d have to admit that she, herself, has become abusive, is abusive to her own children, abusive to me, abusive to her brother and sister, and has been abusive for much of her life, and has done things that she owes major apologies and restitution for. There’s absolutely no upside for her. She gets what she wants by bullying and shaming others, and because people will not stand up to her, she gets away with it. The primary reason for the shift in her attitude toward me was that I spoke to her about her abusive behavior toward her own children. Not only was that not welcome, I went immediately from any semblance of a great grandmother — which she’d been telling me I was for years — to an evil, abusive person. And, thanks to a lot of youtube videos that present very shallow information about narcissism, she can even point to a lot of these and say, “See! Because you asked me not to stack dishes in the sink when I lived with you that just proves that YOU are the narcissist because that’s one of the behaviors of narcissist mothers that are mentioned in one of these videos!” (This is a real example from a real youtube video out there right now and really something she had a huge issue with.) There are so many videos floating around that can easily be used by actual narcissists to indite the non-narcissist parent because they do not adequately explain the very great difference between having rules and standards, and constantly manipulating and devaluing people, that it’s quite easy for people like my daughter to use them as ammunition. And she has. I’ve now been accused repeatedly of having PTSD rages, being crazy, being unstable because of my childhood, being irrational, lying, spreading misinformation, being manipulative, etc., etc., etc., all things she’s parroting from her narcissist father. I see absolutely no way she’s ever going to “see the light” and come to any realization of the truth. Why would she?
I would love for you to give more advice for those of us who have estranged adult children who are keeping the grandchildren from us.
Unfortunately, the only thing you can do about that (outside of a legal battle which helps no one) is to accept their wishes. For now. Eventually those children will become adults, and not under their parents control. I’d reach out to them then, and see how it goes.
It doesn’t work.
Both of our kids are completely alienated by my ex and his family remembers. They are fed by plenty of lies and half-truth. Our kids are completely brained washed. No matter what I say to my elder son(16) by message, I can’t undone and repair the broken relationship. My daughter(14) ignore my message and stop communicating with me. I don’t see them for two years already.
I had to escape from the abusive relationship but I can’t tell the truth to our kids the reason I had to ran away from the marriage. The smear campaign were accomplished. Our kids felt their wish was ignored by me and they believe I pursue my own happiness selfishly because I simply I don’t love their father any more. I fought money through the divorce proceeding.(They think sit down and talk with his father can solve the problem but I insisted to use lawyer and wasted their money.)
Telling them I love you have no meaning for them. They don’t believe what they witness my action with my ex-husband narrative.
I don’t even want to keep such a relationship with my son to hearing the echo of my ex-husband phrase again and again. I finally recover and heal from my depression and anxiety. Keeping the relationship with our kids are so toxic for me. I feel like I am a failure as a mother not be able to save them from narcissistic father but I want to stay safe.
It’s nice to believe in happy ending, but PAS is too complicated to undo and I don’t believe we can change anything unless our kids doesn’t want their narcissistic father nor he abandons them. They are in co-dependents relationship and too strong to break those binding. They need each other for surviving.
I think “Let it go as it is” is a best approach. Leave them together if they wish to. They will resist if we attempt to break their unhealthy relationship.
Welcome them if they want to reconnect with healthy parent. We can’t change anybody but only ourselves how we can relate to others.
Take care everyone who suffer PAS and love yourself first.
Stay strong.
I totally understand your perspective. I am going through the same thing. Hang in there.
As another mom who mourns the loses suffered through PAS (really love Craig Childress’ take on it), you’re absolutely correct. Let it go is the correct path.
I can say that after a decade long journey with my grown daughters, who were never really loved by their covert narcissist father (my ex). They so needed to be loved by him, but he simply wasn’t capable. He and his ‘new’ wife crafted a narrative when the girls visited with them. I was the bad guy, he was the victim.
I know now that there is no healing for this, as long as they are comfortable where they are. And they are. They both show the same patterns of their dad in their adult lives. It’s awful to witness.
Happily, my sons escaped this, and we have wonderful relationships: loving, supportive and fun.
Both my daughters know that I love them, and are here for them. They also know that I am stronger now, and not willing to accept their abuse. And that’s about as good as it get with them.