Setting boundaries with a narcissist in your life is extremely important.
Dr. Henry Cloud, a psychologist, is known for his teachings on how to build healthy boundaries in relationships. He says boundaries teach others how to love us. Are you dating/married to a narcissist? If so, setting boundaries with a narcissist is even more important.
Narcissists offer only conditional love…
If you are expecting true love with a narcissist, love is a dangerous thing. Conditional love is based on performance or stature, and it is love that we must earn. Boundaries may not teach a narcissist how to love us, but they can show a narcissist how to engage without causing as much damage.
Here are 8 ways to establish boundaries with a narcissist:
1. Don’t let the narcissist define you.
A narcissist can hurt you deeply with words alone. This person may have called you lazy, a bad parent, a financial disaster, or a lousy cook. It’s easy to absorb those identities when a person you love or respect calls you such names. Don’t listen to the narcissist or attach that label to yourself. Ignore him or her.
Write down what you thought of yourself long before you met the narcissist. Did you feel like a strong, sensitive, intelligent man or woman? Remember it and believe it. You are still the same person you were when you met the narcissist. He or she is inside of you, somewhere, and that person needs some love and care to reappear. This is a great way to start establishing boundaries with a narcissist.
As Dr. Carter says, it’s about dignity, respect, and civility or DRC.
When you are with a narcissist, it’s critical to have dignity, respect, and civility toward yourself first.
2. Establish separate financial accounts.
Ninety-nine percent of abusive relationships have some financial abuse, according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence. Establish a boundary with the narcissist to stop this. Open your own account and start saving money. Protect yourself against further abuse.
For narcissists, money can equal power and control. Take some of that power back with handing finances yourself or sharing in the management of funds.
3. Don’t give your power away.
The narcissist is skilled at picking fights and putting you on the defensive. Don’t let that happen. Stop crying, pleading, and begging for forgiveness for some perceived wrong. When you go on the defensive, it gives the narcissist more power. You can be silent, walk away, or use a non-committal phrase such as “I understand.”
4. Don’t accept the silent treatment.
The narcissist finds the silent treatment advantageous as a manipulative tool. The narcissist can say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” when you confront them. After all, they are verbally communicating with everyone else!
A healthy relationship involves communication and respect. The silent treatment is abusive and rude. Instead of trying to get a response from a non-communicator, do something for yourself. Call a friend or spend time with the kids. Stop talking to a brick wall.
5. Stop trying to change that person.
We cannot change others. We can only work on ourselves. It is up to the narcissist to make any changes. Another way to establish boundaries with a narcissist is to quit altering your behavior, schedule, words, and actions to satisfy the narcissist. Take care of yourself. You do you.
6. Be strong.
When you set boundaries, you will receive abuse. Putting limits in place with a narcissist is like trapping a lion in a cage. They are going to roar and fight back. Let them. You stay on your path to your authentic self. Your hopes and dreams will resurface, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll have a clearer vision of how to find peace.
7. Download my Ebook on the “7 Tips to Leave the Narcissist and Live Your Best Life”
After taking five years to make the decision to file for divorce, and another year to execute it, I speak from personal experience and dive deep into the pain of divorce, the stress it burdens, and the things you can do to make the divorce process easier. I also include my approved resources and further recommended reading.
Finally,
8. Consider Online Therapy
If you are wanting more information on how to establish boundaries with a a narcissist, I suggest considering Online Therapy. Dr. Carter and I do not conduct online therapy, however we have vetted a group who can assist. They are a trusted sponsor. I’ve received real feedback from real individuals telling me how pleased they’ve been with the services they’ve received from BetterHelp. I want you to get the help you deserve.
Thank you for this list. It’s giving me the courage I need this morning. I started gray rock and setting boundaries 6 months ago and a lion in a cage is surely a good word picture for what I have here at home. He has tried all sorts of things to get me to react and to cross my boundaries. His latest tactic is starting a covert smear campaign against me at church. I’m not sure what to do, as he’s communicating in emails that he doesn’t know I saw. I’m going in to church this morning holding on to the plan to simply have dignity, civility, and respect for everyone and to see what happens next. I think he’s trying to isolate me through this, though, and may be successful.
Hi! I saw your post and I wanted to say that smear campaigns are a typical move from the narc. Do not panic or try to defend yourself. I know it is hard as I went through a similar pain with my ex-husband. He made sure my name was in the mud but realize that the truth always prevails. Relationships do not workout for them ever and people will realize sooner or later that the problem was always the narc not you. If you do lose some friends because of this smear campaign ask yourself this: are those really your friends? did they really know you? your character and personality shines no matter what and this is exactly what these narcs are trying to cover and hide, trying to cover your light! Pray and seek comfort that this too shall pass. I know it because it happened to me last year and I am healing everyday. Continue getting the knowledge from videos on Youtube and from the Bible. Please activate and hold your boundaries and if possible move out of the home or find a safe place to stay while the dust settles. Only you can decide when enough is enough. It will be tough but it is worth it. Having peace is a feeling that is unmatched. I am free and no longer walking on eggshells. It gets better with time. Good luck!
We are all imperfect. There will be those that side with the narcissist. Narcissists are experts in manipulating and abusive behaviour. They do it to everyone because, that’s what they do. They thrive on the chaos they creat for their narcissistic supply. Giving your attention to the behaviour, in any form, is what the narcissist wants. Sadly there may be those that will believe the narcissist and in turn, criticise, insult and act with contempt toward you, like members of your church. Ones that have a low level of emotional maturity themselves. Are you really that concerned about how ones that are so easily influenced act and think of you? Rely on those that see you as you are, your support team. They are the ones that truly are worthwhile and whose support really matters.
I am in the process of dividing marital property with the ex-husband I divorced last year after 32 years of marriage, the final 5 of which we were separated and supposedly working jointly towards a divorce he wanted. We live in different states, which is why the separation of property is separate from the divorce (he refused to accept change of venue and I could not file in his state). I rely on my lawyer to deal with him, I don’t interact directly. My lawyer only deals with him via email, not on the phone. He has turned on her with insults and accusations as we try to settle before our upcoming court date. We are very close to agreement, but he kept wrangling yesterday (Friday) late afternoon and evening as he waited to run the agreement by his consulting lawyer. Remembering advice from this group, I suggested to my lawyer that we not reply until after the weekend (after all, his lawyer apparently wasn’t taking his calls). Magically, he calmed down and assumed we were leaning his way (not necessarily true). Hopefully, this will mean a more peaceful weekend for us all.