When I was married to a narcissist, our son wanted to play pee-wee soccer. You know the types of games: kids run in a pack, up and down the field, kicking at the ball. Sometimes they hit it, and more often, they don’t. The highlight of each game is usually snack time after it’s over.
I was the coach of my son’s team from when he was five years old until about nine. The narcissist was too busy to coach, and although we were in the same industry at the time, I volunteered to help. With no coach, we had no team. Anyway, we were the “Supersonics,” and we had a winning record.
One Saturday morning in October, my 5-year-old’s team was doing well. We were up by five or six points. Keep in mind, the boys had just started kindergarten. They played clumsy and rough. During the middle of the game, one player for the other team took the ball up the field to score, and my son ran to catch him. Instead of taking the ball away, my son pulled the other player’s shirt and knocked him down. When the whistle blew, I took my son out of the game and spoke about proper defense.
Meanwhile, the father of another player began yelling and screaming on the sideline, saying, “That’s terrible parenting right there. That’s terrible coaching. Who does this boy belong to?” He even called me a few (obscene) names.
I went over to this dad, angry but calm, and I told him I would call security if he didn’t lay off.
Meanwhile, I looked around for my partner, a narcissist. He was watching this from the sideline, not stepping in or doing one thing to help defend me or take care of our son. I felt 100% unsupported. I summoned him over, trying to get his help, and it took him about 10 minutes to walk 20 yards.
It was then I knew he wasn’t going to watch my back. So that would be up to me, myself, and I.
Watch for These Signs That You Aren’t Being Supported
This is just one example, yet there are so many ways narcissists don’t get your back. Let’s look at a list so you are prepared and can protect yourself.
Narcissists don’t get your back emotionally. Their wants, needs, and desires always come first, even if the opposite appears to be true.
Narcissists can sometimes show care and support, but usually, it’s pretending. A narcissist isn’t motivated by empathy. These people might be acting for show, so others watching comment on what a good person a narcissist is. Or maybe a narcissist wants to get something in return, like sex, access to your bank account, or simply attention. It is not about emotionally supporting you. Open your eyes. There is usually something else going on.
Also, don’t listen to the words the narcissist will sling your way when you need support. Narcissists are keen to say things like, “Well, what did you do to cause the other person to do that to you? What did you say to them?” When a healthy person might respond with something like, “I am sorry that happened. What can I do to support you?”
To get your emotional needs met, invest time in friendships and healthy family members. You need it, especially if you are dealing with a narcissist.
Narcissists can be terrible nurses. If you are sick, don’t expect them to take care of you or worry about your basic needs. They are too selfish, and your sickness and need for care interrupt their lives and activities.
But, if a narcissist is ill, watch out. It will be as if this person is on a death bed, even if it’s something as simple as a sore throat or cold.
It’s essential to have a family member or friend that you can rely on when sick. Don’t wait to ask for help then. Instead, ask for it now from this person and promise to reciprocate.
Narcissists will lie and steal from friends, family, strangers, and others. They believe they are entitled to anyone else’s fortune and are often envious and bitter when someone has more than they do.
Narcissists like extrinsic motivators, and that’s what money is. It can help them afford to keep up their superficial image with things, such as nice cars, homes, boats, and more.
On the flip side, survivors often say:
“He is good with money.”
“I trust her. She wouldn’t steal.”
“We don’t have that much money anyway. (The narcissist) says so, and I believe him.”
“Everything is tied up in the business.”
First, don’t believe a word a narcissist says about money. Money is easy to move around, hide, divert, and spend.
Covert tactics with money can include the other person diverting paychecks from a joint account, lying about a pay raise, and holding a secret bank account. In addition, narcissists often hide money then fuss at a partner about the partner’s spending.
More overt tactics include controlling your spending, watching every penny you spend, and stealing from others, whether directly from people or a store or corporation.
One woman said her husband made multiple six figures but got arrested for stealing t-shirts from a department store. That’s entitlement right there. He spent the night in jail, and then he was mad at her because he said he went to the mall to get her father a gift for Father’s Day. So, it was all her fault.
If you think you’ve been a victim of financial abuse, find an attorney or accountant who can help you learn what your actual financial situation is. Or research some ways for you to find it if you can’t afford an expert. You deserve to know.