The snowstorm that ravaged Texas a few weeks ago took us all by surprise. I had no electricity, including heat, for three days, when temperatures plummeted close to zero. Then, the natural gas company sent texts to millions of Texans urging us to conserve gas when using fireplaces or stoves.
The extreme cold ruptured pipes, causing major flooding inside homes and businesses. Many people suffered, trying to stay warm.
For me, there was one disruption that caused me to shiver, and it was a shock provided by the narcissist in my life. My ex-partner, Shane, had issues with his pool equipment, as did I. Shane texted me and offered to come to look at my apparatus for damage and get me on the list for repairs.
It would be nice to trust this gesture, wouldn’t it? Unfortunately, history has proven differently when it comes to narcissists. You can’t take their actions at face value. There is almost always an ulterior motive.
I began to ask myself, “What does he want?” I’ll share my assumed answers to that question at the end of this article. But first, let look at the common needs of a narcissist.
- Narcissists want admiration.
Narcissists need to be admired and revered like we need the air we breathe. They need to be number one, always, in everything they do. This stems from a deep-seated, fragile sense of self that typically manifested in childhood. Whether it was not having needs met as a child or a biological component of depression or anxiety, narcissists rely on others to feed their self-worth.
2. Many narcissists want financial control or money.
Narcissists like to be at the center of attention, whether it’s driving the best car or living in the most expensive home. It is difficult to acquire those assets without money. Many times a narcissist will target a victim with some assets to their name. Then the toxic person makes those resources their own.
3. Many narcissists are profoundly entitled to acquiring the greatest lover or beauty they can attain.
Narcissists believe they deserve the best and most of everything and this belief can translate into finding a partner or multiple partners to feed their fragile egos. Narcissists may convince themselves that they deserve more intimacy or attention than they are receiving at home, so they work to find it elsewhere, without breaking ties with home life. Because cheating wouldn’t look good, would it? And narcissists must look superior to others.
A friend of mine learned her narcissistic ex-husband had multiple affairs during their marriage. When she confronted him about the numerous women he cheated on her with, he came back with a selfish answer.
“I wasn’t getting my needs met in our marriage, “ he told my friend. The catch was, they were still having sex several times a week until the day their divorce was final. This narcissist felt entitled to more.
4. Narcissists want all the good you possess as their own.
Narcissists demonstrate low empathy, little kindness, and minimal loyalty. It’s no wonder they look for these traits in a partner. They want to learn to model those behaviors from you while exploiting them at the same time.
Narcissists often look for partners who show:
5. Narcissists want to control.
It helps assuage the narcissist’s pain underneath the false sense of self. If they can control you and your relationships then also deprive you of your financial freedom, then in their minds, they have won.
There are some things you can do to make a relationship with a narcissist easier:
First, don’t expect the narcissist to meet your needs, emotional or otherwise. Your needs don’t matter. Only those desires of the narcissist are important
Secondly, move forward with apologies or closures. When a narcissist does apologize, it’s typically an empty apology after an angry outburst that still blames you. Understand a narcissist will never admit he or she is wrong.
Thirdly, do your best to ignore the bad behavior. That takes away the narcissist’s power. You can also take all your power back by leaving the relationship.
So, what do I think the narcissist wanted by helping me after the storm? My best guess is access, somehow, to my home to see how I live. My second guess is to just get the supply he isn’t getting from his latest girlfriend. My answer to his offer to help is “No.” The reason doesn’t matter, because I know whatever it is, it’s not going to be good for me.