What happens when a narcissist has a bad day? For you and me, we might get angry, say some things we don’t mean, cry, or just pout. Then we get over it, and if we did hurt another person in the process, we apologize. The narcissist, however, takes a bad day to the next level. You want to get out of the way and do it quickly.
On their best days, narcissists are often judgmental, entitled, critical, intimidating, and needy. On a day when things haven’t gone their way, those traits escalate.
Remember what the cycle of abuse looks like. There is first love bombing, which is how the narcissist reels others into their orb. Narcissists say and do everything you want to hear. You feel special, and often the narcissist will tell you that you are their soulmate. Then comes the devaluation phase, where the narcissist picks you apart, subtly and sometimes abrasively criticizing you and belittling you. Then, as you can feel the tension rising, the narcissist finally explodes. This is the rage portion of the cycle, which often occurs when the narcissist has had a bad day.
The catch is, it may not be a bad day, but the narcissist feels slighted or put down in some way by others. Healthy people would talk it out or take some quiet time to process what happened, but not a toxic person. The narcissist gets ready for battle. And you get the brunt of it.
The narcissist often flips the script, making you the perpetrator. They may tell you that it’s your fault that their day went south. They may blame you for something inconsequential, like making the coffee too weak that morning so they weren’t their best on a conference call.
Toxic people will also begin to employ their manipulative tactics, such as using gaslighting and word salad to take the blame off them and put it on you. They want to change your reality and draw you into theirs, where you must fix things. The narcissist expects you to make their bad mood disappear.
The trouble is you become an emotional punching bag. (If there is physical abuse, you need to stop reading this article now and call the National Network to End Domestic Violence at 1-800-799-7233).
Being the receptor of all that emotional and verbal abuse can destroy your mindset and well-being. You may find yourself crying in the closet so that the family won’t see. You may find yourself unsettled, full of doubt and fearful of the future.
In your day to day life, you may find yourself trying to go “grey rock” or show little emotion around the narcissist. You calculate your every move as not to disturb the narcissist or exacerbate another lousy day. You grow exhausted, trying to manage your daily routine, be perfect and not upset the narcissist.
There are some things you can do to take some of the pressure off yourself. First, understand that you have nothing to do with the narcissist’s bad day. They want supply from you, and the bad day helps them get it.
Secondly, you can think about your options. If you don’t live with the narcissist, you can go no contact. If you are still with the narcissist, you can develop firm boundaries around yelling to caustic putdowns that the narcissist likes to use. For example, tell the narcissist that you will leave the room the next time they verbally attack you.
Finally, take a long, hard look at what your life will be like for the next five years. You are living it now. Narcissists typically don’t change. Make whatever decision best suits you, but remember, peace and joy are waiting on you, where every day is a good day without narcissistic abuse.
I know all of this is easier said than done, but there is a way to take these steps. I suggest you take a look at Dr. Carter’s brand new course Free to Be. This course will teach you how to live a life of freedom and break free from the narcissists control over you.
Laura
Thanks Laura. I signed papers 10/31 to end my 44 year battle with my Narcissist. Every day is thanksgiving.
Good for you! Stay strong. Do not let him talk you into coming back home under the guise of “I will change. Everything will get better because you’ve opened my eyes & now I see how I’ve treated you badly” & how profoundly sorry he is. He may be sorry but it’s not about how you’ve been treated he will be sorry that you’ve removed his trusted victim. God knows he does not want to go out & find another victim to take your place. That will require effort & why do that when he can simply put out a tiny bit of effort to convince you that he will change & that you’re making a silly mistake by choosing this drastic move after so much time and history together. You deserve to be treated like a human (by someone new) not a door mat. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.
God bless you, Luann. I’m glad to know you’re free. I’m still waiting. ❤
I signed final papers today too. My prayers for you and the many others of us who have beaten down for so long. May your days be filled with happiness and joy as you move on in the freedom you deserve.
Good days are coming ❤❤❤
Bravo LuAnne!
LuAnne,
Congratulations, 44 years is a long time. I have been married for 29 years to a physically and mentally abusive narcissist. I am in the process of preparing to finally escape so it is encouraging to hear that others have done the same.
my god im in this 42 years…i feel your pain! glad you’re getting out
Did you have a camera in my house? No, you couldn’t have, but my, my the items you listed here are exactly what my ex-husband did, spoke and thought. Too long I tried to believe that the failure of our happiness was all my fault and I got into the false mind-set that, “well if it’s my fault then I can fix it!” (Bitter laugh inserted here) Never, never worked. I also had to get over my own pride of this thought: “I couldn’t have married a crazy person, I’m too smart for that.” Has NOTHING to do with my talents, my ability to love, my ability to think, my intelligence level – had to do with wanting to succeed at being married! He undermined me, blamed me for arguments, falsely accused me of “something” every time, then accelerated to physical attacks.
Yeah, I’m outta there, divorce story was tough, but I’m so glad it’s over. I’ve even forgotten how horrible it was – near the end of my time with him before I moved out, I’d wish he’d be killed in a car accident or maybe someone would shoot him – pretty bad thoughts of mine. That’s no way to escape, I knew I needed out if I thought about his death.
Thirty years of freedom! Marvelous.
Thank you many times over for your videos. He asked recently sent a text to ask if we could forgive each other. I cynically thought, yeah you only want to “magnanimously allow me” to ask YOUR forgiveness!
When I found “Surviving Narcissism,” your videos and words helped to deeply reassure me that I’d made the right decision.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
I have greatly appreciated your articles. I finally ended my 46 year marriage to a narcissist last summer and feel so relieved. The freedom and lightheartedness I now experience is truly lifechanging. Thank you for continuing to encourage those of us stuck in this abusive cycle.
Thank you. The comment about them having a bad day made me laugh. Because few weeks ago it happened to me. We are divorced, so I had nothing to do with his day, yet it was my fault he was having the worst day of his life. How one may ask? Because I left him, and since then he started having all the misfortunes in the world. And any of his bad luck going forward, is apparently my fault.
I’m living under the same roof, but separated from the narcissist who has been in my life for more than 20 years. He has started a relentless smear campaign against me, making himself the victim and telling anyone who will listen that I cut off his supply of funds (he has not worked for more than 10 years and thinks he is owed after selling a business in 2009), after spending all his money for decades. We were actually living beyond our means and needed an income from him to maintain our lifestyle. He used to criticise every penny that I spent: even how much toilet paper I used. He is borrowing substantial amounts from his family to finally kick start a business idea that he has had for years, and is blaming me for his inability to get it off the ground sooner. He is trying to force me to move out of the house so that he can rent out the rooms. It is so hard to understand, grasp, or actually believe that all I was for decades to this person was a source of income, I worked through breast cancer treatment many years ago, and now can’t believe how stupid I was and how I allowed him to control and manipulate me. I don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore, but it is so, so painful to accept that he would turn on me in such a passive aggressive manner after years of marriage.