Not every person with strong narcissistic traits is overtly abusive, given the fact that is a pattern on a spectrum.  But the further down the spectrum that person is, the likelihood of abusive behavior increases.  And when they go into that space, they are remarkably predictable.

It is important to know the mindset of the narcissists because they are masters of confusion.  Gaslighting you, they insist you are the reason for any dysfunction arising from the relationship, but such a message is false.  They would be difficult no matter who is connected to them.  Relational turmoil follows them wherever they go.

Keep in mind, the very nature of narcissism positions them to abuse.  By that I mean, they have a poor appreciation for others’ boundaries.  They have a serious need to dominate.  They are fear based, as evidenced by their strong defenses, paranoia, inability to trust, and propensity toward lies and secrets.  Shame, and its accompanying judgment, is their motivational language.  And topping it off, they have inept coping skills.

Lacking empathy, when narcissists experience conflict, or when complexities arise, they lash out.  And it can become ugly.  They want (they need) you to think their problems are all about you, but don’t buy into such thinking.  Instead, know they have multiple tactics in their psychological playbook designed to diminish you while elevating oneself.  As you learn to see through their misguided thinking, you can become poised to move into a healthier direction.

Let’s highlight ten of the most common tactics that are part of their exploitive way of life:

  1. Demand unquestioned subordination.  You are supposed to accept your rank…and it is always beneath them.
  2. Push mind control efforts.  They will front-load their comments with strong imperatives: you must, you’d better, you can’t, you have to, and so forth.  They believe there is a specific way you should think, prioritize, and respond.
  3. Shut down alternative opinions.  When you express preferences or interpretations that clash with theirs, you will be invalidated, ridiculed, and minimized.
  4. Cut you off from friends and allies.  They will be labeled as bad, untrustworthy, and inferior.
  5. Monitor your behaviors on a micro level.  They will insist that you filter many lifestyle issues through them.  This can include matters of finance, lifestyle preferences, phone usage, what you can or cannot say in public, etc.
  6. Require your openness, but with no reciprocation.  Abusers insist that you must reveal details about what you feel or think, yet it is a one-way street. They want you to be accountable, but refuse the same in reverse.
  7. Use anger to intimidate.  Once your reluctance to submit is evident, narcissists can convey: “You’ll regret coming against me.”  Their anger can be very ugly and punitive.
  8. Refuse to admit flaws, but blame and accuse instead.  Narcissists are too insecure to say: “I need help,” or “I miscalculated.”  To them, if a problem exists, the cause is you.
  9. Show no compassion or kindness, unless it will get the narcissist what they want.  Remember, judgment supersedes any act of goodness.
  10. Continually press for ongoing conformity.  In a narcissist’s way of thinking, you are not free, therefore, you will be met with much unsolicited advice and dictatorial communication.

As you spot these tactics, it is crucial to remember that abusive narcissists treat you as they do because they are psychologically imbalanced.  They inflict pain because they are in pain.  They engage with others with a naturally pessimistic, defeatist mindset.  They are exceptionally insecure and psychologically underdeveloped.  And their entitled attitude is little more than compensation for the dread of being a nobody.

When narcissists abuse, remind yourself:  This person can never be your guide or exemplar.  You cannot afford to invest time and emotional energy into them.  That would be akin to being drawn into a black hole.  Instead, claim your freedom…the privilege to choose who you will be and how you will manage your priorities.  The abusive narcissist will not understand, but you can make dignity, respect, and civility your anchor.

You were made for love and decency, traits narcissists know little about.  So, when an abusive narcissist illustrates a pervasive inability to love, that is your cue to look elsewhere for support and connection.

Les Carter, Ph.D.

Make empathy your superpower.

To watch the video on this topic, click here.