As you discern how to manage your responses to a narcissist, it is important to remember that they do not seek mutuality. Instead, narcissists think competitively. Someone is right, the other is wrong. Someone is the final authority, the other is the subordinate. Someone will emerge as the winner, the other loses. They constantly keep score in the ongoing search for a superior edge. Judgment and posturing are built into their psyche.
One of the ways they seek that edge is the use of passive aggressive tactics when they feel threatened or when they want to shore up their enlightened status. When passive aggressive, they are intentional and strategic. Their guiding thought is: “I must keep the upper hand over you.” They have surmised that the non-cooperation inherent in passive aggressive behaviors is a powerful tool for manipulation.
As you become drawn into their mannerism, it can be helpful and therapeutic to ask: “What is the narcissist’s end game? What does that person wish to accomplish?
Four primary reasons stand out as we discern why narcissists become passive aggressive. They seek: (1.) Power (2.) Supply (3.) Diversion (4.) Dysregulation.
In their passive aggression, narcissists pursue personal wins while minimizing emotional vulnerability. To that effect, it is common for them to be coy and aloof with no good rationale. Likewise, they offer haughty condescension. They routinely withdraw into silence or unavailability while their attitude oozes disgust and contempt. They will refuse to be helpful, and they tend to remain emotionally and physically unavailable. Their non-cooperation is epitomized by evasiveness, half-hearted efforts, procrastination, laziness, and deliberate non-cooperation.
All the while they send non-verbal messages of rebuke: “You disgust me. You’ll never be enough. You have no intrinsic value to me. The less you know about me, the better I’ll be.”
Narcissists honestly feel they win when they confound you and goad you into disruptive reactions. Let’s zero in on their goals that “prove” they are winners:
Power: The narcissist’s passive aggression is all about being above you. They take pride in their ability to out-stubborn you, to the point of feeling invigorated when you are clearly flustered. Your powerlessness is their delight.
Supply: The pattern of narcissism is fed by an attitude of entitlement. Despite the illogic, they conclude that they are victors if they can force you into subservience. They need you to cater to their needs, and they willingly create discomfort in you as part of the equation. Rather than seeking mutually agreeable common ground, they choose manipulation.
Diversion: As narcissists apply passive aggressive tactics, they intend to take attention away from their deficiencies while goading you into poor reactions. As their non-cooperation causes you to stumble or look foolish, less attention is given to their many problems. The more you struggle with their intransigence, the narcissist wins by keeping the spotlight on you.
Dysregulation: Passive aggressive narcissists are especially pleased when you respond to them with agitated, disgruntled feelings. They can victoriously claim: “There is no reason for me to coordinate with you since you are so emotionally unstable.”
As long as passive aggressive narcissists keep you flustered, they find the control over you they strongly crave. This allows them to proclaim: “I’m the winner, you’re such a loser.” It’s a perfect cover for their pervasive insecurity.
As you react to the narcissist, a major mistake is to become argumentatively persuasive. Each time you insist that they drop their game-playing, you play right into their schemes. They are not known as self-reflective, but instead they exploit. Your insistence is received by the narcissist as an invitation to remain elusive.
You will always have the option to become angry and argumentative, but there is a more productive approach. It begins with you coming to terms with your “defeat” in the sense of letting the narcissist declare Oneself the winner. Inwardly, you remind yourself: “I’m not interested in your proclamation of winning because I choose not to play your mind game.” If they need to feel superior, that is not your problem to solve.
Instead, focus on your definition of a healthy you. (This would be the beginning point for establishing boundaries.) Stay decisive with your opinions and priorities, reminding yourself that you are not in competition with the narcissist. Then, knowing the narcissist will stubbornly seek ways to undermine you, accept that the narcissist will not accept you as a worthy person. Then remind yourself that such an attitude says far more about their character than yours.
In other words, you can conclude: “When a narcissist engages in passive aggressive tactics, that becomes my cue to disengage. When the narcissist wishes to turn our relationship into a twisted game, I choose individuation. I’m my own distinct person who can proceed in life with or without that person’s approval. I refuse to filter my life through the grid of a schemer.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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