As you have ongoing engagements with a narcissist, harmful patterns arise. Being entitled and selfish, the narcissist has to be in control. Insensitivity and anger are an ever-present possibility. Invalidation and criticism are common, as is a general lack of respect. Making matters worse, you can be susceptible to counter-control reactions. Your defenses can be overstated, prompting you to be sucked into unproductive arguments. You can struggle with disbelief as you cry out: “Why am I being treated so poorly?”
In other words, life with a narcissist can be toxic.
Over time, you can feel enough exasperation that you pull away. You ask yourself: “What was I thinking? How did I become ensnared in such a sloppy relationship?” At that point you can determine it’s time to move on. You’ll admit that the narcissist’s maladaptive behaviors will predictably return. Your self-esteem has taken a beating. You wish to move on from cynicism and bitterness. You deserve better.
As you seek healing, know it will not come overnight…but it can indeed happen. You will be tasked with re-establishing your norms, your standards, and your core values. To get to where you wish to be, there is a five-part unfolding you will need to accomplish. Let’s look at them carefully.
Stage One. Be clear in naming the narcissist’s sabotaging behaviors. The narcissist wants you to think you are the problem, but you will need to accurately frame what happened. The narcissist wanted to fit you into an agenda. Your deference wasn’t just desired, but demanded. You were exposed to inappropriate anger. You were required to prop up the narcissist’s fragile ego. The narcissist tried to impose Alternate Reality onto you. The narcissist needed you to look and feel foolish. That person was abusive.
Stage Two. Take an honest inventory of your contributions to the problem. It could be that your anger had become unruly. In futility, you may have pushed unsuccessfully for the narcissist to change, and in doing so you failed to accept the reality of that person’s condition. Perhaps pessimism became baked into your attitude, bringing out the worst in you. Your defenses could have been too strong, prompting excessive attempts to justify your decisions. You may look back in regret and say: “I lost myself.”
Stage Three. Zero in on the lessons learned about narcissism. Looking back, it can become clear that you were connected with a person who is psychologically inept. In retrospect, you see how that person had an unnatural commitment to a False Self. You can gain insight about how that person’s insecurity was masked by the need for control, but really that person lived in fear of rejection. That would explain why the narcissist could never accept responsibility for personal flaws, even the glaringly obvious ones. You could discern how narcissism is shame based, with the narcissist displacing his/her own shame onto you.
Stage Four. Seek insights about your vulnerabilities. Along with your honest inventory of contributions to the relationship tensions, you’ll need to examine why you invested too much emotional energy in that person’s opinions about you. Could you learn to appreciate your distinctions separately? Likewise, you could carefully examine the pluses and minuses of your own anger management patterns. What was legitimate about it, and what was not? As part of your soul searching, you could question your confusion related to personal boundaries. Likewise, you could seek out the reasons you may not have emphasized self-respect. (Keep in mind, this effort need not include a shame-based line of questioning.)
Stage Five. Commit to well-conceived healthy initiatives. You can conclude: “Now that I am gaining insight into the narcissist and into myself, I’m strongly motivated to turn my pain into growth.” Reminding yourself that you’ve spent more than enough time fending off the narcissist’s toxicity, you will remove all requirements to filter your life decisions through an unhealthy person.
Here’s how your Stage Five determination can potentially play out:
- Despite the narcissist’s proclamations to the contrary, I’m not what the narcissist says I am. I make sense. I matter. It’s not just okay to be who I am, it’s necessary.
- Since narcissists work overtime to create anger and tension, I will commit to healthy conflict management skills. I will seek to have clean forms of anger. I will defend less vociferously. I will stand up for myself with calm firmness.
- I will allow myself to grieve, but I will not ultimately be consumed by it. When I feel sad, I am permitted to feel that way. I don’t have to be unrealistically cheery about my future, especially when I am reminded of the trauma I’ve been through.
- I will seek out like-minded souls who allow me to be human and who are likewise comfortable with their humanity. I want to be comfortable as a vulnerable person, but only as those in my presence prove to be safe and reciprocal.
- I will place a high emphasis on empathy, knowing that true bonding is impossible without it.
When you examine your hurts and tensions honestly and when you turn your insights into healthy initiatives, one thought can eventually wash over you: “So, this is what it’s like to be free!”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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