Let’s face it, most individuals do not relish being confronted. It means something is afoul and adjustments are needed, and it could potentially escalate into unwanted relationship strain. That said, healthy individuals are not threatened by differences, and can acknowledge the need for occasional reproof.
When confronted, they are willing to listen and engage constructively regarding the matter at hand.
Which brings us to the narcissist. These individuals are identified by raw selfishness, an unhealthy need for control, a lack of curiosity about others’ feelings, and a competitive urge to be superior. A byproduct of this pattern is the dread of being corrected. Not only do they not like admitting the need to adjust, they cannot fathom why others would find them problematic in the first place. Being self-impressed, when differences arise, they automatically assume it is the other who needs to adjust.
Lacking objectivity, narcissists (with emotional fragility in tow) typically go straight into gamesmanship when confronted. Unwilling to incorporate personal insights, they proceed with the goal of making you feel foolish, reminding you how they are the gold standard…and you are not.
To keep from being swept into predictably futile arguments, it is essential to identify their tactics and to understand how they wish to diminish you.
Let’s begin by identifying seven of the most common mind games narcissists play when you confront.
- Becoming the interrogator. When you explain your concerns and needs, narcissists will quickly attempt to create doubt by calling your legitimacy into question. They might ask: “Who have you been listening to?” Where are you getting such absurd ideas?” Why do you feel the need to say that?”
- Taking the moral high ground. Sometimes, narcissists will draw attention to their moral or ethical superiority, especially if it seems the confronter is intent on seeing behind their mask. They might say something like: “I was just trying to get you to agree with something substantial.” “If you look at my track record, you’ll see that I’m the one who wants to make things right.”
- Flipping the script. When challenged, narcissists are quite willing to turn negative attention back onto you. You will commonly hear something like: “Me? Let’s talk about how off-base you are.” “You have no right to complain about me. Your problems greatly outweigh any I might have.”
- Focusing elsewhere. Becoming evasive, narcissists often take your attention away from themselves and onto others. For instance, you might hear: “Lots of people have it worse than you.” “You should concern yourself with your sister, I’m not your biggest problem.” “Do you know what your so-called friend said about you?”
- Questioning your logic. Commonly, when you confront, narcissists invalidate. Rather that carefully listening and weighing the merits of your concerns, they might say: “You don’t even know what you’re talking about.” “Before you gripe about me, get your facts straight.”
- Degrading your character. If narcissists can convince themselves of your lower status, dehumanizing you, they assume it means your confrontations are meaningless. To that end, you might receive comments like: “You have so many problems and yet you want to talk about me?” “Sorry, not interested; get a life.”
- Taking oneself out of the equation. Not wanting to be the focus of your frustrations, they can dismiss you with comments like: “We wouldn’t be having this conversation if you’d just get your act together.” “Have you noticed that you have the same complaints with so many other people?”
When faced with uncomfortable words from you, narcissists will gaslight. They are desperate to escape personal responsibility, so they will rationalize how they are protecting their dignity when really it is their egos they protect.
Defensively, they scramble for control as they attempt to “teach you a lesson” about speaking your truth.
Know that you are unlikely to change someone with such a falsely inflated ego. They are too weak to simply listen since listening equates to giving up power. This does not necessarily mean you should never speak up, but when you do, keep your expectations realistic.
Your best response is to assert yourself behaviorally, acting upon your convictions and applying necessary consequences and stipulations. You need not persuade or plead your case. Instead live with calm firmness and let your actions illustrate your resolve.
As narcissists persist in their gamesmanship, they illustrate a high level of psychological immaturity. So, don’t be shocked by their outrageous manner. Nonetheless, give yourself a vote of confidence by proceeding with common sense intact.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
