A pet peeve of mine is when someone insists upon applying a “one-size-fits-all” solution to complex problems, when they say “just do it.” Specifically, when a person reveals great tension due to connections with a strongly narcissistic individual, they hear: “Just go no contact.” Sometimes that is the wisest way to manage a toxic relationship, yet it’s not always that cut and dried.
In many cases, those attached to a narcissist find they are left with Crummy Choice A versus Crummy Choice B. They can make a case for staying or for leaving while feeling conflicted by extenuating circumstances that make the decision murky. Life includes complexities that render such decisions difficult.
Let’s highlight why some people remain within a narcissistic relationship, and as we do let’s not judge since it is impossible to tell another…here is the perfect solution for you.
- Some people have become a narcissist’s flying monkey. These are individuals who have learned to play the role of an enabler to the manipulative narcissist. Often their motives are questionable, particularly if they admire the narcissist’s power even as they are disgusted by their values. They have caved into a narcissist’s dominance and influence.
- Trauma bonding has occurred. Some have become attached to the narcissist due to the hope for a connection that will never materialize. They feel trapped by forced compliance by one who has systematically whittled away at their resolve, eroding their confidence and sense of autonomy.
- Emotional fatigue has set in. Closely related to trauma bonding is a deep experience of weariness exasperated by messages of unworthiness. Often those who have been connected with a narcissist will state: “I lost myself. I don’t know who I am any more. My self-esteem has dissolved. I’m emotionally spent.”
- Emotional blackmail is possible. Sometimes when a person ponders leaving a narcissist, they face the very real potential of an ugly smear campaign. They fear being skewered, that the narcissist would make their worst traits known, and they would be humiliated by unflattering revelations.
- A high price would be extracted in other relations. Often leaving a narcissist means relationships with children or grandchildren will be negatively impacted. Or perhaps a supportive social structure would collapse, or the victim would be black-balled in their place of work.
- Some victims are strongly invested as the narcissist’s caregiver. It could be that the narcissist is severely limited in the ability to fend for oneself. Perhaps that person is elderly with no place to go.
Often the victim dreads spending time as the caregiver, but obligation or the guilt of severing ties is too strong.
- Shame related to others’ potential judgment is a factor. Often the victim knows how key people in their world hold onto rigid rules, or perhaps they are ill-equipped to sift out nuances related to the reasons for the relationship’s collapse. They fear their reputation will suffer greatly if they cease contact with the narcissist.
- Finances are a real concern. Many times, leaving a narcissist involves divorce, exiting a family system, or quitting a job. And along with such prospects, significant amounts of money could be lost, to the point that the victim would be economically compromised.
- Serious health issues persist. Some people who need to get away from a narcissist’s influence have severe health problems such as physical disability or chronic disease. Others are faced with the prospect of losing health insurance if they cut themselves off from a narcissist.
- A deep history of psychological wounds could worsen. Some victims of narcissistic abuse already have longstanding abandonment issues, or debilitating episodes of anxiety and depression. Some are attached to religious systems that perpetuate guilt for not fitting the prescribed mold. Some victims feel inadequate as they consider how to cope with a dubious future.
You may or may not agree with the victim’s reasons for choosing not to leave a narcissist, yet the truth remains that not everyone draws the same conclusions as you when faced with major life decisions. Don’t assume you should just tell a victim what to do, because in doing so, you could make matters worse. Many nuances can be at the heart of the decision making process.
If you are the person who wants to leave a narcissist but cannot make it happen, remember you still have choices. Often your choices are “micro,” but they exist.
You can begin with questions like: Who am I? How do I define myself? How might I have better boundaries? In what ways (even small) might I be more assertive?
You can also learn to stay out of non-productive arguments, choosing instead to stay functional only with the one who has no desire to know how you think and feel. Perhaps you could find support away from the narcissist, drawing strength from those who genuinely care. And in some cases, you may decide to break the requirement of silence by seeking professional care.
No one can care for you quite like you. What does that mean for you?
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
