When you are in an ongoing relationship with a narcissistic person, you will eventually experience an inconsistency between their external and internal messages. While they may appear decent or reasonable, behind the scenes they have manipulative intentions. This is especially true with covert narcissists, and even more so with one who is inclined toward passive aggressive antics.
Given their bent toward selfishness, control, and entitlement, narcissists harbor anger toward those who do not comply with their needs and wishes. They often convey that anger passively because they have learned it allows them to find control with the least amount of personal vulnerability. They persist in their sneaky exploits because to them, it works. They get to befuddle you and unload irritabilities at your expense, while acting in ways that allow them to hide behind plausible deniability.
To get an idea of how this works, let’s identify some of a narcissist’s most common passive aggressive antics:
- Tight defenses, owning up to no personal problems
- Deliberate non-cooperation
- The silent treatment
- Being a quitter, especially when the matter is important to you
- Keeping secrets, being evasive
- Unfulfilled tasks or responsibilities
- Complaining while showing no willingness to resolve the problem
- Being lazy, procrastinating
- Character assassination behind your back
- Being friendly toward others while shunning you
- Promising to do something, then not doing it
- Tuning out
- Chronic tardiness, disregarding you in the process
- The disinterested stare, refusing to engage
- Being deliberately unavailable.
These examples barely scratch the surface, but it gives you an idea of how they operate. It is their way of saying: “You bother me.” “I care about me and me alone.” “Hopefully you’ll learn not to include me in plans that run counter to my agenda.”
Their goal is to bring out the worst in you so they can turn the tables and claim: “See? You’re the problem. My life wouldn’t be so miserable if you could just get your act together.”
It is essential to understand what pushes narcissists to become passive aggressive. First, they struggle with fear. They trust no one. When they want to convey displeasure, they are not confident that a constructive conversation can happen, so they resort to sneaky ways to make their case.
Second, they desperately need to feel in control, to an exaggerated degree. They have concluded that it might be non-productive to debate you, so it would be better to out-stubborn you. They persistently convey the message: “No one tells me what to do.”
Third, they want to punish. When you refuse to enable their entitled attitudes, they draw upon judgmental sentiments, deeming you unworthy of consideration. They rationalize that you need to be taught a lesson, and their non-cooperation is instructive. They want you to conclude that it is futile to tangle with them. Meanwhile, they feel intoxicated by the surge of power, and they feel vindicated when you struggle as a result.
As they repeatedly resort to passive aggressive antics, narcissists illustrate that they have given up on the notion of mutual regard. To them, harmonizing is not profitable. Rather than seeing relationships as an ongoing flow of give and take, they see relationships as futile. Therefore, less emotional connection with you means less potential for troubles within themselves. Their passive aggressive mannerisms indicate: “I don’t care.” But more honestly it conveys: “I can’t afford to care. Caring about you hurts me.”
Clearly, the antics of a passive aggressive narcissist can become cruel, exploitive, manipulative, and demoralizing. It can prompt you to throw up your hands in perplexity as you wonder what it might take to get that person to cease.
But keep in mind, to the narcissistic person, passive aggressiveness works. It fits perfectly with their script for control and cynical self-protection.
So, as you witness the persistence of their sabotaging ways, remind yourself that you are in the presence of one who lives with a twisted survivalist mindset. They are in a battle with you for power and retribution.
That being the case, don’t play their game. Cease any effort to plead with them or to shame them into better behavior. They love it when you beg them to change since it lets them know they are succeeding. Instead, determine how much you need to invest in a relationship that has little true companionship to offer. Clearly, they have decided not to invest in you. Are you going to succeed in making them be otherwise? What does the evidence tell you?
Narcissism is depicted by the absence of love. Rather than investing in traits like understanding, encouragement, or harmonizing, these individuals choose self-service only. Therefore, seek healthy connections with those who will set aside stubborn non-cooperation, and remind yourself that you cannot afford to let the narcissist dictate your quality of life.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
