Narcissists live inside a fantasy script, written by and starring themselves. Pushing uncomfortable realities aside, they cling to idealistic notions that promise them control, entitlement, admiration, and superiority. In their life script, they illustrate the desire to gain a free pass from struggle, even as common sense proves it is not sustainable.
Here’s how it plays out:
- They want to be free from rejection, to the extent that they are shocked when it happens.
- They want your total agreement, which means they disallow your separate opinions.
- They want to escape tension, meaning you are supposed to make their life stress free.
- They want to be free from inconveniences, including issues with work, kids, money, traffic, schedules, and so forth.
- They have to hide personal failures and mistakes, or when necessary, reframe them.
- They wish to sidestep individuals who have needs, since that is too inconvenient.
- They want to stamp out complexities…just do what I say.
- They assume others should naturally conform, blend, harmonize.
In other words, the narcissist’s worldview is built upon a self-serving mindset that insists they be the first person in history to be free from discord. Humility is not written into the script. Like a self-centered little child, they insist: “I want what I want, and you’re a meanie if you don’t give me what I want.”
Lost on them is the truth that they are steeped in emotional incompetence, rendering them incapable of sustained integrity and maturity. They so desperately need their fantasies to come true that they fall apart when it does not happen. This is illustrated by:
- Very easy anger, a chronic undertow of agitation that is easily triggered by one false move from you.
- Blaming, fault finding, scapegoating.
- An inability to be patient.
- A lack of listening, and therefore, virtually no empathy.
- Perpetual defensiveness, accompanied by victim-blaming.
- Lying, dishonesty in self-revelations.
- Psychological evasiveness, being slippery when responsibility is required.
- Chronic insistence, as evidenced by an ongoing habit of speaking with coercion.
As narcissists insist upon an idealistic, fantasy-driven life, they illustrate a dread of experiencing psychological pain and disappointment. As a result, they are trapped inside their own emotional ineptitude. Then, unable to escape, they insist that you must comply with their dreams…you are in placed in charge of their personal stability.
Time and wisdom reveal the absurdity of their selfish wishful thinking.
As you become keenly aware of this pattern of psychopathology, remind yourself that in the narcissist’s mind, you will never measure up. Accept that. Likewise, cease the effort to bring them into reality. They need their Alternate Reality. Also, know that much of their blaming is little more than psychological projection. They see in you what they cannot accept about themselves. Know that you are in the presence of a dense, pain-filled person who chooses not to be responsible at the most basic level.
Understand that narcissists repeatedly illustrate a persistent lack of maturity and wisdom. They remain narrow-minded. They utilize little analytical thinking. They judge, gripe, whine, and hurl threats…all in the name of keeping the fantasy alive.
Seeing their patterns, dedicate yourself to your own distinct healthy initiatives. Trust in yourself, despite their unwillingness to join you. Engage with people and tasks according to your common sense. Then remind yourself: “I don’t need to cling to fantasies as I engage with my world. I’m okay being a regular human with my mixture of highs and lows. And I can certainly manage circumstances even when the narcissist falls apart. That person is not the author of my life script.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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