Ongoing exposure to narcissists reveals their serious anger issues. A beginning point in their engagements with you is the need to be in control, to establish the rules of engagement, and to receive both your admiration and your deference. Most times when a narcissist becomes agitated toward you, there is much unfinished business they are displacing onto you. That anger can be an outward manifestation of decades old tension.
What is more, as narcissists become angry toward you, it can trigger your own angry reactions. Bewildered, you can feed off of the injustice you experience. “Why would this person treat me so poorly?” “I’m so weary of the harshness and senselessness of it all!”
That anger within you does not fade quickly. Even when you have moved on from the narcissist or when you are not physically in that person’s presence, triggers can occur. Memories of rejection can be jogged. Grief can arise as you struggle with unwanted consequences from the narcissist’s abusiveness. Cynicism creeps in as you struggle with insults and scorn received.
It is in your private moments of struggle that healing insights can carry you beyond the misery the narcissist generates. While you cannot force the narcissist to be different, you can ask: “How can I examine my unwanted experiences in such a way that I grow? I refuse to be tied to the narcissist’s dysfunction via my anger. What is required of me now?”
To get to that point of healing, there is a threefold process.
- Allow ongoing sadness and grief. After all, you have good reasons to feel discombobulated.
- Seek insight into the reasons for the narcissist’s mistreatment of you. That person wants you to believe you are the problem. What does truth/wisdom say about that?
- Develop a healthy resignation regarding the narcissist’s dysfunction. Specifically, choose to let go of potentially hateful responses to the one who embodies hate. The price is too high. Instead, knowing that the narcissist’s emotional instability will continue, determine that you will seek higher priorities.
As a bridge to those higher priorities, there are many adjustments you can make. Rather than parking in damaging anger, there is more to who you are and what you can become. To that effect, what thoughts could guide you? Let’s identify several:
- Acknowledge to yourself: “I’m free to respond to the narcissist’s anger with my own hate, bitterness, and contempt.” Knowing that, you are faced with the question of why. Why would you mimic the narcissist? You are indeed free to prioritize such responses, but common sense would prompt you to determine that there is an expensive downside to such an attitude.
- In grief, broaden your focus about human nature. Truth be told, many people lack the capacity for growth. We live in a broken world, and the narcissist in your life has been sucked into a mannerism that is destructive, yet common. Grieve this truth as you simultaneously determine to take a distinctly different path.
- Pity the one who has chosen hate over love, contempt over letting go. That person truly does not understand the meaning of a good life.
- Maintain objectivity about the narcissist’s delusions. While that person wants you to believe you are the cause of their miseries, you are not. That person has a back story filled with unresolved pain.
- Let go of the need to apologize excessively for responding poorly to the narcissist. Remember, it’s not abnormal for anyone to respond poorly to abuse. Yes, make restitution for mistakes you have made, but not at the expense of your self-esteem.
- Be thankful you are moving on. You have felt stuck in the past, yet you survived. Anticipate a better path forward.
- Come to terms with life’s ultimate goodness. You were made to be loved and to love. Narcissists do not understand such a basic notion, but make it central to your life.
- Use your experiences of anger, hurt, and disillusionment to develop empathy toward others who have suffered in a similar way. You are not alone.
As you reflect on these insights, know the narcissist will not join you. Self-reflection is not common for such individuals. Instead, their anger has a vice grip on their souls. It defines them. Though narcissists will justify their condescension toward you, they cannot escape their own self-inflicted misery. Chaos will remain within.
As you move away from the anger created by the narcissist, stay focused on the higher priorities you can choose. For instance:
- I choose to accept what is…about the narcissist, about myself.
- I choose patience and its accompanying self-restraint.
- I choose calm firmness.
- I choose detachment from dysfunctional people.
- I choose boundaries. I’ll define who I am then live within that definition.
- I choose dignity, respect, civility.
- I choose to humbly acknowledge my frailties, knowing this will aid in personal healing.
- I choose joy and will lean into its inherent goodness.
- I understand that my significance lies in direct proportion to enhancing others’ significance.
- I will not be shocked by depravity. I choose to main an awakened mind.
- I trust myself. I choose peace.
Yes, narcissists are filled with anger, and it can have a spillover effect toward you. But with ongoing awareness, you can determine: “I’ll not filter my life patterns through one who insists upon perpetuating instability at my expense.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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