A centerpiece for healthy relationships is empathy, seeing into another person’s emotions, perceptions, and opinions from that individual’s perspective. As you prioritize empathy, you practice the art of good listening, tuning into a person’s essence. Empathy allows you to learn most fully about the inner make-up of others, setting up the potential for wisdom and patience. Likewise, it is a necessary ingredient for humane responses.
To maximize empathy, it is better to think of it not as a trait, but as an orientation, a mindset. It can be your way of insinuating: “We are all interconnected in some way, so it makes sense to be tuned into one another’s distinctions.”
When we compare empaths to people with strong narcissistic tendencies, major differences emerge. Being disinterested in a person’s interior, narcissists inevitably maintain a performance focus as they engage with others. They are concerned about a person’s function, but not that person’s essence. By definition, narcissists are pervasively selfish, meaning they do not prioritize mutuality. Love and respect are concepts they do not understand fully. Instead, they maintain a firm agenda about how others should be. Openness and nurturance are not common.
Taking it further, many narcissists will assault the concept of empathy. Being antagonistic to vulnerable interactions, they see empathy as a hinderance to their ultimate goal of imposing oneself onto others. In fact, you might hear derisive comments like: “Oh, so you want me to be touchy feely? That’s not going to happen.” Instead, they use binary, all-or-nothing thinking that places a premium upon correctness and obligation.
If you confront the narcissist about the need for greater empathy, they might say:
- You just want me to placate you.
- When someone is emotionally soft, people will run all over you.
- Empathy makes you a sitting duck for being played or duped.
- You’re just a liberal (using that word as an insult).
- You’re being weak and wishy-washy if you don’t emphasize your fundamental beliefs.
- People who are too caring are not suited for the hard decisions that come with leadership positions.
As you witness the narcissist’s unwillingness to be empathetic, you will probably notice how it becomes lost in certain scenarios. For instance:
- As a child is disciplined, harsh rebukes to the child’s behavior supersedes attention to context. Calmness gives way to condescension.
- Discussions about opinions devolves into accusations about the other person’s ignorance.
- Work settings become toxic as one person demands conformity while ignoring the unique strengths of others.
- Discussions about politics devolve into arguments about who is toxic.
- Religious groups create an “in versus out” mindset toward those who are not of the same belief.
- Sports competitions become a vehicle for spewing hatred simply because the other person cheers for the wrong team.
- Family disputes bog down due to pervasive disinterest in learning positive lessons from each other.
- Patience is lost as stubborn insistence reigns.
Very commonly, narcissists who eschew empathy enter relationships assuming that dominance is the end game. Their unwillingness to be empathetic reflects a type of paranoia…they assume their attempts to understand another’s perspectives can be akin to walking into a bear trap. They equate empathy as letting go of power, which is anathema to the narcissist. Confusing empathy with an endorsement or agreement, they doggedly hold onto rigidity.
Ultimately, the lack of empathy opens the door to abuse and hatred.
As you witness the narcissist’s assault upon empathy, know that such a person will never be your safe haven. That individual is too inflexible to ever become a nuanced thinker. Moreover, such a person does not understand how intimacy and regard is built upon knowing the fullness of each other’s life experiences, choosing to accept the other even as imperfections or differences are ongoing.
Those who choose empathy, however, understand that each person matters. Preferring to show respect, they feel sad when the narcissist is threatened by personal disclosures and by the need to blend. But they also conclude: “I’m more than just a wind-up robot, and the same goes for you. Understanding each other means we uphold human dignity.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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