A primary descriptor of the healthy personality is authenticity, which is accompanied by the traits of honesty and vulnerability. Authentic people prioritize being known in the fullest ways possible. They are forthright about the mixed ingredients inside oneself and inside others.
Narcissists are incapable of authenticity. Instead, they are guided by thoughts like: “I’m more than happy to reveal what makes me seem impressive. But I can’t become too honest and vulnerable about my flaws or questionable experiences since I don’t want to be on the same level as common folks.”
This sets them up for posturing on a grand scale. They reason: “It works best for me as I admit the least number of negatives while accentuating as many positives as I can. Ethics and genuineness are not required.” The net result is that they can appear as an angel on the outside, while behind the scenes, they act like the devil.
With narcissists, truth is an inconvenience. Here are some examples of how it can play out:
- A man works in a job that requires him to interface publicly with a wide range of people. He crafts a reputation as jovial and reliable. Yet at home, he is a tyrant, ruling over his wife and kids with outrageous anger outbursts.
- A woman takes pride in her volunteer work in the community, and she has a history of assisting the downtrodden. Yet behind the scenes, she is astonishingly judgmental, mocking the very people she assists. Her comments often reveal racist attitudes.
- A man presents himself as pious and virtuous, often extolling the need for pristine priorities. Yet, it is discovered that he has a longstanding secret of sexual abuse toward underage girls.
Angel on the outside, devil on the inside. When narcissists develop such a pattern, it guarantees psychological imprisonment inside their own devious, evil inclinations.
To get an idea of how this plays out, let’s look at how their narcissistic (N) posturing contrasts to a healthy (H) pattern of life.
N: Public image is of utmost importance.
H: With discernment, I’ll let others see my fuller package.
N: Honesty will get me in trouble.
H: Honesty allows me to be free.
N: Superficiality its persistent.
H: In-depth conversations and revelations are welcome.
N: Blame shifting is rampant.
H: Admitting imperfections is natural.
N: Use of many defenses.
H: Open to discussions, willing to receive input.
N: Moral compass is broken; rationalization is the cause.
H: Morality is not a duty; it just makes sense.
N: Needs to be associated with the winners.
H: Can relate to all sorts of individuals.
N: Strikes out toward others in conflict.
H: Seeks fuller understanding in conflict.
N: Focus is on my rights only.
H: While appreciating individual rights, also focuses on responsibilities.
N: Trapped inside their own web of secrecy and deception.
H: Has a clear conscience, set up by healthy accountability.
Posturing narcissists feel they must lie to be a Somebody. (While that is not what they would admit, that is the net result.) Being highly competitive, they are so concerned with being superior, they are quite willing to “sell their souls to the devil.”
As you become aware of this pervasive narcissistic phenomenon, understand that pleading with them will only make matters worse. You will be deemed wrong every time. Instead, let your level of connection with them be determined by the ways they manage life when tensions and conflicts require plain self-disclosure. As the narcissist falls deeper and deeper into the Angel/Devil game, know it is time to restructure your involvement.
You cannot afford having such a person in your inner circle.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
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