Are you an analytical thinker? Do you have well-conceived ideas about a meaningful life? Have you pondered on how to apply wisdom in common circumstances? Do you live with purpose, meaning, and reason leading the way?
If you are such a person, know that you are going to become a target of narcissists. They are not guided by meaningful principles, but by selfish ambition. Central to the definition of narcissism is a need for control, an attitude of entitlement, and a commitment to a False Self.
When narcissists encounter individuals who prefer meaningful and fair exchanges, they feel threatened. People like you are a challenge to them because you are inclined toward fairness and equality. Inwardly, they think: “That doesn’t work for me. I must have the upper hand. I must!”
As narcissists sense your desire for an intentional manner of life, they convince themselves: “This must stop. If you would just defer to me, life would be good.” So, they go straight into mind control. To them, feeling good about oneself requires putting you into a subordinate role.
It’s an absurd way to think, but it is central to the narcissistic mindset.
Inevitably, narcissists draw upon a tiresome, predictable playbook as they seek dominance. But the more aware you are, the less power they gain over you. Here are some of their most common tactics:
- Establish oneself as the Keeper Of Truth. Narcissists need the final say regarding opinions and beliefs. You’re not as enlightened as them, so they must set you onto the correct path.
- Minimize your influence. Each day you pursue priorities and preferences that make sense to you. But narcissists think: “You shouldn’t do that. I’m unimpressed by your distinctions. Drop your ideas and comply with me.”
- Strongly invalidate your interpretations and ideas. When you stand up for your convictions, the narcissist instinctively assumes you are refuting their legitimacy. Therefore, you will be repeatedly reminded that you make no sense.
- Admit no failure. Narcissists reveal no personal flaws. Their hidden shame does not allow them to admit mistakes or to rethink who they are. “Adjustment” is a word that does not apply to them.
- Blame, accuse, and condescend. Narcissists will persistently remind you that any relationship strain is your fault. They displace their internal tensions onto you.
- Provoke you to anger, then shame you for feeling that way. Narcissists feel vindicated when they can “prove” how foolish you are. A favorite tactic is to poke you in the ribs with a stick, drawing agitation from you…which allows them to shout: “Aha, you are the unstable one!”
- Call bad good and good bad. Narcissists will create a system of double standards. For instance: “My anger is good, yours is bad.” “My money habits are good, yours are bad.” My friends are good, yours are bad.”
- Turn the moral compass on or off, depending on the immediate situation. They can be self-righteous when you err, yet will extend license toward themselves when they err.
- Keep secrets. Narcissists rationalize that you can’t handle the truth. Therefore, you’ll learn about their questionable priorities only on a need -to-know basis.
- Create dependence. Convinced you are supposed to defer to them, they create a fear atmosphere, hoping you will filter decisions through them.
- Promote a positive public image as proof of their legitimacy. Presenting themselves in a favorable public light is essential to narcissists so they can remind you that any tension is your fault since others think well of them.
- Sow seeds of doubt publicly about you. As part of shoring up support for themselves, narcissist slyly infer to others how difficult you are. If they can control the propaganda game, you lose, they win.
The goal of narcissists is to wear down your self-esteem, which results in a lessened resolve. They seek disruptive reactions from you which allows them to point and say: “See? You’re little more than a problem searching for a place to happen.”
Knowing how desperately a narcissist needs to keep you subjugated, understand…these individuals are so psychologically unstable, they need a foil. That explains why they make heavy use of manipulative ploys like displacement, denial, rationalization, projection, and reaction formation. That sets them up to proclaim: “I’m the Exemplar, you’re the Idiot.”
Conversely, healthy people think: “Let’s each take responsibility for our own pain management. In fact, let’s assist each other as we maneuver through our inevitable challenges.”
Narcissists find such an approach untenable. Though they don’t have the insight to understand their resistance to collaboration, they can’t coordinate with you because that would require humility, honesty, self-reflection, and equality.
By developing an awareness of their playbook for your subordination, at the very least, you can decide: “I’ll not play the assigned role you have given me. We’re not a good match.”
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
