It’s one thing for narcissistic people to be selfish or contrarian. Frankly, each of us has moments when we enter that space. Healthy people know how to contain selfish instincts, while narcissists make it central to their identities. They are “all in” with the Me-first mindset.
As narcissists prioritize exaggerated self-importance, they inevitably do so at your expense. They are threatened by any confidence you exude, so they instinctively seek ways to diminish you as they elevate Self. In the narcissist’s world, there is no room for others to feel self-assured. They interpret your well-being as an existential threat. If you are strong, so their reasoning goes, it means that they are weakened…and that is unacceptable.
As a result, narcissists are prone to predictable lifestyle patterns that permit them to squelch you. Their goal is to drain you of your best qualities, filling you with themselves. That explains why they are so easily combative. Their competitiveness compels them to think in win/lose terms.
With that in mind, let’s identify ten of the most common patterns associated with a narcissist’s need to hold you down. They want you to think you are the problematic person in the relationship, but as your insights increase, you can learn to see through their tactics, freeing you to stay on course in personal growth.
- The refusal to examine oneself honestly. The beginning point of a narcissist’s contrarian mindset is a commitment to Alternate Reality. Honesty (about you, about themselves) is lost as they develop strong justification tendencies. They have an incredibly low capacity for self-reflection.
- Persistent criticism. Narcissists instinctively dole out shame and guilt. This is evidenced by their nit-picking, griping, complaining, and harsh rhetoric. You will not please them.
- Insisting that you cater to them. In their egotism, narcissists truly believe they are so unique that you should accept their superior ways and defer to them. As a result, they offer many demands.
- Refusal to engage in constructive discourse. When you confront the narcissist about their inappropriateness, you will be met with strong defensiveness. They routinely deny, deflect, and rationalize. Their protective walls are impenetrable.
- Anger that is meant to intimidate. Setting aside any constructive use of anger (healthy assertiveness), narcissists become vindictive when anger emerges. Whether it is through open or passive aggression, their goal is to establish a hierarchy with you being on the low end of the equation.
- Pervasively dismissive attitudes. Fearful of people who think differently, their instincts naturally lead to invalidation. They repeatedly imply: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You make no sense.”
- Public angel, private demon. As part of their diminishment of you, narcissists seek allies. Publicly, they can give the appearance of decency, and as that is established, they will confide to others about your lack of goodness.
- Invasion of your privacy. With paranoia leading the way, narcissists will step over your personal boundaries as they monitor your activities. They can be nosy, overly concerned about separate activities. You are not allowed to have priorities that could potentially supersede your loyalty to them.
- Refusal to receive input. As part of their need to keep you down, narcissists refuse to engage in constructive dialogue. They tell, but do not hear. Smugly, they minimize the need for empathy or understanding.
- Many double standards. While narcissists can be stern toward you, they are lax in personal disciplines. They convey: “I’m different. You need to fall in line, but I deserve full liberty to pursue whatever I deem necessary.”
As narcissists persist in the effort to drain you of your confidence, their goal is to normalize their abnormalities. Their motto could be: “I’m a Somebody, you’re a Nobody.” This leaves you questioning how to remain steady as they gaslight you and undermine your legitimacy.
As you disentangle from their efforts to confuse you, know who you are dealing with. Look behind their façade and understand they cannot manage relationships cleanly. They are psychologically underdeveloped. They do not possess the skillset for personal maturity, and it is not likely that you will be the one to lead them into wisdom.
Instead, anchor in well-conceived beliefs about your inherent worth. Accept that you are a mixture of pluses and minuses, and your worth is not eliminated when you err. Embrace your preferred interests. Be thankful for the skills you have. Remain open to outside input, but not at the expense of your internal instincts and intuitions.
Above all, act as a free person. The narcissist wants to superimpose an Agenda upon you, directing your many decisions, priorities, and interpretations. That is not legitimate. Instead, focus on what you believe is wisest and best. And when the narcissist protests, there is no need to respond with shock. It’s who they are, but their intransigence does not erase who you are. Lean into your reasonableness.
As the narcissist predictably protests your independence, you can remind yourself: “This is why it’s so crucial to listen to my inner voice. I can’t afford to be guided by one who is delusional and pathologically insecure.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
