If you approach people with healthy relationship goals, you will emphasize certain qualities: connection, affirmation, availability, encouragement, understanding, compatibility, and harmonizing.
Unfortunately, these qualities stand in stark contrast to narcissistic traits like: disconnect, rejection, emotional distance, criticism, judgment, being oblivious, offering discord, and perpetuating conflict.
Once you prove to be incompatible with people of a narcissistic persuasion, an ugly pattern of psychological alienation can emerge. The narcissist can label you as undesirable, shunning you, and relegating you to the status of untouchable. You can be rejected even when your character or actions do not warrant such a response.
As part of that alienation, the narcissist will withdraw loyalty and affection toward you. You will not just become disconnected, but punitively disconnected. The narcissist will become pervasively unwilling to discuss conflicts or differences objectively, but instead will be evasive and unavailable. And if you cross paths with that person in the future, it will be accompanied with heightened feelings of unease.
What is worse, most narcissists are not satisfied to alienate you, leaving it at that. Instead, they often enlist others to join them in their disdain toward you. If they can turn you into a pariah, a social outcast, they then get to be the victorious champion. Their need for domination is fulfilled when they can position you as the unwelcome nobody.
It is insidious, yet narcissists often willing to go to that level of depravity.
There are many examples of narcissistic, psychological alienation:
- You become disconnected from children or grandchildren, often with vindictiveness.
- Adult relatives are so impossible that you cannot be with them in group gatherings.
- Moral failures blow up family or social systems, but somehow you become the outcast.
- A history of abuse toward you has surfaced, and others do not handle it well.
- A new person has entered into a family, social, or work system and that person sows seeds of division.
- Step-family members are not welcomed into the family-at-large.
- Divorce creates complications, so others retreat.
- You choose different values regarding religion, politics, or lifestyle patterns.
- Conflict and anger remain unresolved, creating a wall of contempt.
- Long-standing grudges resurface after a funeral.
As these patterns of alienation emerge and become entrenched, pessimism and futility rise to the surface. Common themes are present, like:
- I no longer like former key people.
- They no longer like me.
- Family or social gatherings that used to be enjoyable are now miserable.
- Key people refuse to participate in coordination or healing.
- Blame is misplaced. I feel profoundly misunderstood.
- If I could choose my tribe, it would no longer include these people.
- The prospects for healing are slim to none.
- I feel embarrassed. I don’t want people to know what I’m up against.
- Loneliness, psychological aching won’t go away.
- I feel as if I failed. Where did I go wrong?
When psychological alienation has settled in and it appears entrenched, is it possible to heal? The answer is a qualified yes.
Every now and then, breakthroughs can occur, leading to new and mature patterns. But sadly, that is not the norm.
Even so, you can still heal after being unfairly alienated, but it will require a shift in your mindset. You will need to accommodate unwanted facts as you move forward. For instance, you can conclude:
- Psychological alienation is real and it hurts. I can’t pretend to be ok when I’m not.
- We live in a broken world, and no one gets out unscathed. Even the most balanced people can fall prey to unsavory manipulative controllers.
- For healing to occur, an individualized approach is required. While it would be nice for others to join my efforts, I’ll need to find strength from my interior.
- That said, group support is still available and can be quite stimulating. Knowing that other decent people have faced similar experiences can remind me that I’m not crazy.
- I’m not as alone as I might have presumed. There are others capable of connecting and I’m willing to get up and try again…albeit with a more measured approach.
- Psychological healing is not always about removing pain, but finding peace even as pain remains.
- Crisis reveals character. What has my crisis revealed about my character?
The healing journey after alienation is not the same for every person, but it is essential to remember that narcissists should not have the final word regarding your quality of life. You have been targeted unfairly, yes. But you can move forward (perhaps limping psychologically) with a resolve to maintain your good character, treating those you encounter with dignity, respect, and civility. You may not have the pleasure of having all relationships intact, but you can draw strength in knowing that clean alternatives remain.
Don’t give up on yourself because that would mean you have chosen to become alienated from the best parts of you.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
