My name is Joan and I’m the Scapegoat of my family…
My mother and two sisters present with all the patterns of behavior that are typically associated with a narcissist personality and have used me as their scapegoat to this day.
Throughout my life I always knew my mother was problematic and often referred to her as narcissistic. Only in the last five years have I come to realize and understand how damaging a narcissistic personality disorder can be to the family structure.
Thank you Dr. Les Carter and Dr. Ramani Durvasula for your books and teaching web sites which have been invaluable assets to my education on this topic. I reached a point in my life were each meeting with them resulting in verbal and emotional abuse was too upsetting and just not worth experiencing over and over again.
I’ll give an example: the Christmas after our father died I invited both sisters and their families and mom to my home for dinner. Mom and one sister and her family came. My other sister declined because she said her kids wanted to invite a few friends over to her home for the holidays. I said to her, “not a problem bring them along, let’s all be together for Christmas.”
She declined but told her family I said only she and her husband were invited not her kids. A blatant lie that she spread to everyone. My mother and other sister believed her blatant lie. Three narcissistic personalities who enable each other! No more will I be a target of their abuse. I have no contact with my sister’s and only minimal phone contact with mom.
This reminds me of a time when a caller commented on Dr. Carter’s show that she felt numb at the loss of her narcissistic parents. I know exactly how that feels, and my mom and sisters are still alive! Life is better without the confusion and sadness of people who hurt you. I don’t want to be tolerated, I want to be celebrated and cherished by those who love me.
Joan
Scapegoat is defined as: A person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others, especially for reasons of expediency.
Learn more about Scapegoats and 50 other important definitions HERE
Hi, Joan, I understand the scapegoat situation all to well. I was married to a narcissist for 38 years. i didnt recognize it for what it was until after the marriage ended. I dealt with lying, scheming, extramarital affairs, a total lack of empathy, gaslighting and so much else. In the end, I was made to take the blame for everything. It destroyed my family. It drove a wedge between me and my precious daughter. I have a granddaughter I havent even met. it was a scenario that I couldnt understand. I had tried to play by rules but still lost. A therapist helped me realize what I was dealing with all those years. I am still healing. I have found Dr. Carters videos very helpful and insightful. Its also good to know that I am not the only one to experience these things. Thanks for sharing your story.
Three of them? And I thought I had problems.
I could write a novel on all of the narcissistic experiences I have had as the designated scapegoat of my family. I’ve followed Dr.C. for quite a long time and have written frequently on his and Laura’s youtube videos. I really don’t think that most people today completely understand the severity and to the level of abuse that narcissistic and flying monkey family members will go to, in order to dominate and maintain rule. My first knowledge and book on these types of dynamics within families is M. Scott Peck’s, ” People of the Lie.” These are what Peck calls evil people — those who refuse to acknowledge their own sin, who scapegoat other people and they do this not just occasionally but routinely in order maintain their superiority. One of the most chilling ideas in this book is when Peck states that when we see atrocities happen in our lives, (Nazi invasion of Europe, atrocities committed against civilians in MyLai during the Vietnam war) these can literally be traced back to one’s home environment. You become a follower or fighter against human abuses. This begins with the gross intellectual laziness and pathological narcissism in individuals and then spreads into smaller and then larger groups. We all understand that humans are social creatures that together we are stronger than being separate. The idea of ‘Group evil’ just doesn’t happen miles away in foreign countries, it’s happening today, all over the world. We’re seeing group evil play out in our country right now. It’s present in race riots, partisan politics, religious zealots, disparity amongst the rich and the poor, education, and the pandemic response to Covid 19. It’s the ultimate them versus us statement. As governments and institutions become larger, individuals become smaller and faceless. He states that when children are taught to see and learn that laziness and narcissism are at the root of human evil, only then will children then begin to see each person as an individual and how love and acceptance of other’s differences. Reading this book made me realise that our home life and families are a microcosm of the greater picture, the world at large. It’s frustrating and sad to note that this book was originally written in the late 1960’s and here we are today, 2020 and this dynamic of narcissism and how it is used in undermining and manipulating people has only become more cancerous in our humanity.