In some ways, we each seek influence with others. We might express preferences, share opinions, hold firmly to values, set boundaries, and so forth. In the best sense, we wish to become a force for good as we empower others and as we seek harmony and collaboration.
The way of narcissism is also driven by a desire for influence, but since it is such a pathological pattern of life, it does not lead to good results. By definition, narcissists crave control over you, becoming quite proactive in their efforts. They push selfish agendas. They readily superimpose opinions and arbitrary standards. They are not just willing to hurt you, but in conflicts they intentionally hurt you. Their goal is to bend you toward them for the purpose of turning you into an enabler.
To get an idea of the ways narcissists seek to establish power, look over the following checklist to determine what the narcissists in your life might prioritize:
- Exploitive behaviors. In the narcissist’s world, you are little more than a tool to be used. “What will you do to advance my cause?”
- Oppression. They willingly treat you in ways that are harmful or demeaning. Your difference becomes a reason to belittle.
- Profound insensitivity. Narcissists have no compassion or regard for you when you are diminished. They truly do not care about your feelings when you struggle against their mandates.
- Constant coercion and pressure. Power hungry narcissists will attempt to force you into compliance, commonly against your will. They major in imperative communication.
- Harassment and ridicule. When you differ, you will be cajoled and criticized, and it will often be accompanied by mocking and sarcasm.
- Playing favorites. Narcissists reward compliance and punish uniqueness or distinctions. They think in terms of “in the club or not in the club.”
- Anger is never far away. They become impulsively triggered, and it can be quite ugly, coming seemingly out of nowhere.
- Strong commitment to Alternate Reality. They make up their own versions of “truth,” leaving you to conclude: “I can’t talk common sense with this person.”
- Impossible to please. Even when you give your best efforts, they are not satisfied. You are repeatedly reminded that you do not measure up.
- Accusations and blame. Narcissists famously refuse to admit flaws, but instead focus on your presumed problems.
We have a word for all this behavior…abuse. Power-grabbing narcissists are toxic to the core. They are not to be trusted. They have no good intentions toward you.
As you identify the ways narcissists seek unyielding power, understand that these are psychologically disturbed people. They will insist that you are the cause for any glitches within themselves, but don’t buy that. They would be just as they are if someone else was in front of them. You’re merely a player on their stage.
Power-loving narcissists have no comprehension of basic love, which then leads them to have no appreciation for the necessity of empathy. They have given up on decency or “soft” traits because to them, it doesn’t work (translated: “I have to be in the superior position.”) They have an underdeveloped conscience, and in some cases, hardly any conscience at all. While they won’t admit it, they are driven by exaggerated insecurity. They fear acknowledging your freedom because you might treat them as irrelevant.
Despite their threatening mannerisms you have options as you discern the fullness of their psychopathology. Though the narcissist will invalidate you, validate yourself. You matter. You make sense. Your needs are legitimate. You have a free will, and it is unhelpful to stifle your true identity. Lean into your strengths, and when they protest, stand firmly. Learn to emotionally detach, and when necessary or possible, physically detach as well. Rather than carrying their shame, stand in your best traits. You, not the narcissist, carry the responsibility to choose who you will be.
When narcissists persist in their power-hungry ways, remind yourself that you are under no obligation to come under the spell of their delusional thinking. You can join Team Healthy as you unapologetically prioritize Dignity, Respect, and Civility.
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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