Given a narcissist’s penchant for control and entitlement, if you are connected to such a person, it’s a virtual guarantee that you will be accused and criticized.  It comes with the turf.  What’s worse, as you hear the narcissist’s complaints, the thought can hit you: “Are you kidding me?  This person is griping about me, but he/she has the exact problem I’m being accused of.  What gives?”

Commonly, narcissists will say something like: “You’re impossible.” “I can’t reason with you.” “You’re so defensive.”  And all the while they seem oblivious to their own initiatives illustrating those very problems.

Though complaining and accusing narcissists are offensive by nature, they are in a chronic defensive mindset.  They wish to keep you befuddled, so their spotlight naturally shines onto you in disagreements.  As a result, they refuse to examine their flaws.  Instead, they blame-shift, refuse to take responsibility, and act as the chronic victim.  (BTW, that’s the quintessential use of gaslighting.)

In other words, as you differ from narcissists, you will see firsthand how narcissistic Alternate Reality works.  In their pathological defensiveness, they habitually use the tactics of Denial and Projection.  They see in you what they refuse to admit about themselves.

Here are some of the most common examples of this twofold pattern:

  • You have serious control issues.”  Even as they are rigid and forceful in their complaints, somehow, they rationalize that your lack of compliance means you are the spoiler in the relationship.
  • You are not an honest person.”  Narcissists are known for concocting false narratives to suit their needs in the moment, and yet, they ascribe disingenuous motives to you.
  • You are sneaky.”  If you have plans and do not consult them, or if you are an independent thinker, you do not get credit for merely being your own person.  Instead, since the narcissist is routinely evasive, that trait is what they see in you.
  • You’re emotionally unstable.”  The narcissist creates and perpetuates tension, and when you predictably don’t respond well, they gladly proclaim that you are unsteady.  All the while they overlook their own chronic undertow of agitation.
  • You refuse to receive guidance.”  As the narcissist accuses you of being closed-minded, you may think: “When has this person ever been receptive to positive input from me?”
  • You always have to have the final word.”  Ironically, as narcissists make this accusation, it is when they are trying to shut you down, rendering your thoughts and feelings irrelevant.
  • Your opinions don’t make sense.”  Yet you can recall many conversations when the narcissist was repeatedly the epitome of non-sensical, dogmatic stubbornness.

Over time, narcissists illustrate that the combination of denial and projection is one of their prized coping techniques.  Early in life, these individuals concluded that being open and vulnerable is too risky.  Over decades, they have honed their self-protection skills to protect a fragile ego, and their defensiveness is so automatic that they have lost the ability to honestly assess who they truly are.  Psychological insight is not a skill they have developed.  Their many fears have taken over and somehow people “out there” are responsible for their many problems.

Your challenge as you encounter this denial/projection combination is to stay objective.  Narcissists want you to react subjectively with erratic, agitated reactions so they can continue pointing the accusing finger toward you.  But you are not obliged to play along.

This means you will step away emotionally for the purpose of remaining grounded in the truth about your personal highs and lows.  For instance, you can remind yourself that indeed you make miscalculations or you experience emotions that do not serve you well.  But you can also remind yourself that you can upright yourself as you take responsibility for your actions.  In other words, the non-objective narcissist does not have the final say about your character.  You do.

As you detach from the narcissist’s accusations, you will need to make room for potentially uncomfortable loose ends.  That is, the narcissist will predictably fume when you prioritize your own self-affirming attitudes.  This can result in uncomfortable feelings due to the unfinished business between you and your accuser.  But given that person’s fear of vulnerability, you are not likely to find interpersonal closure.  

But keep in mind, the narcissist has chosen defensiveness over honest insight.  And your commitment to the opposite is a sign of maturation.  So, when the narcissist persists in the worn-out strategy of denial and projection, you can conclude: “That is not my problem to solve.”  Your primary task is to move forward with or without that person’s understanding.

~Les Carter, Ph.D.

To watch the video on this topic, click here.