Stating the obvious, something is not right inside narcissists. For perspective, remember that we humans are hard-wired for relationships, for love and connection. Literally from Day One we seek out those who can become our safe harbor, and we find contentment as that effort succeeds. Essentials like trust, empathy, and psychological well-being can flourish when properly nurtured.
As you consider the traits of narcissism, you can easily wonder: What went wrong? Instead of fostering safety, many traits interfered with healthy relationship development. Notice the ways they act with you:
- Raw selfishness is exaggerated.
- Rules have been poorly applied. They are either too rigid or too loose.
- Listening skills are inadequate. They have little comprehension of “the other.”
- They learned to prioritize a False Self.
- Having suspended truth, they are dishonest, secretive, and conniving.
- They concoct a misguided rationale for superiority and entitlement.
- Negative emotions run rampant. They are woefully incapable of managing tensions.
- Self-restraint is difficult, leaving them prone to impulsivity.
- Self-esteem is weak, but that weakness is hidden behind a wall of defensiveness.
All this could be addressed, even if it their deep history did not prompt meaningful thought. But instead of doing the hard work of self-reflection, narcissists take the easy way out. They push their troubles onto you, meaning they want you to solve the problem of their inner chaos. You become their receptacle as they displace their confusing thoughts, unresolved emotions, and psychic anguish.
A narcissist’s displacement is driven by sentiments like: “I can’t cope.” “I see my world as adversarial.” “I need someone to make my problems go away.”
As a result, predictable patterns emerge:
- Their negative emotions are typified by excessive emotional intensity.
- Frustrations are omnipresent.
- Your differences, however innocuous, are interpreted as rejection.
- You are blamed for their ongoing disappointments…just as others before you were blamed.
- They prove to be unable to have objective discussions.
- Their opinions and interpretations are stubbornly self-serving.
- They unload their tensions with others onto you via ugly venting.
- They label you as untrustworthy despite evidence to the contrary.
- They defend themselves via projection, accusing you of their own unresolved conflicts.
When you are first connected to narcissists, you are not likely to see or understand the extent of their internal chaos since it tends to emerge gradually. But once the patterns are out in the open, you can wonder: “What did I do to deserve such foul treatment?”
The answer is: You showed up. That’s it. If you were not the person in that narcissist’s life, someone else would become the recipient of their chaos.
It is vitally important to remember that you are not the issue. You are a player written into the narcissist’s script, assigned the task of carrying their burdens and relieving them of the responsibility for self-correction. That’s it. You are a transactional piece in their ongoing life tragedy.
Seeing this, your task is to think and live separately. Rather than accepting the role of the Problem Carrier, break out. Let it be known that you have your own life to manage, and when you clash with the narcissist’s neuroticism, remain independent.
As you reject the label as the Problem Carrier, prioritize emotional detachment, meaning you will stop reacting to each false accusation, accepting their immaturity as a given. This commonly requires you to move away, both physically and psychologically. You can no longer afford to take your cues from such a tormented soul.
To strengthen your resolve, remind yourself of the narcissist’s predictable patterns, rehearsing in advance what your clean alternatives will be. That way, when the narcissist attempts to suck you into maladaptive reactions, you will be guided by your healthy initiatives, not the narcissist’s.
Brace yourself for backlash as you opt out of the “requirement” to stay inside the script. The narcissist will repeatedly remind you it’s your responsibility to carry their burdens. At that point, you can think toward the narcissist: “I’m sorry your history has created so much turmoil, and despite my natural tendency toward helpfulness, I’ve concluded that I can’t be what you need. You’re on your own.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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