Two things can be stated with certainty about people stuck inside the narcissistic pattern. First, they resort quite readily to unhealthy psychological patterns. Second, they cannot or will not interpret their own patterns honestly.
In general, narcissists lack strong introspection skills. They tend not to admit their unhealthiness, and even in those rare moments when they do, it is inevitably accompanied by blame and excuses. Making matters worse, as you attempt to convince them of the need for stark honesty, the conversation predictably devolves into exasperating exchanges.
Despite their unwillingness to reflect about who they are, it’s still possible for you to understand what drives them in their worst moments. While you cannot force them to change, your insights can become a gateway for you to make the necessary adjustments in your own responses.
With that in mind, let’s examine and interpret six of the most common patterns you are likely to encounter as you interact with the narcissist.
- Easy, reflexive anger. Narcissists tend to be on edge with agitation. The smallest tensions can trigger their irritability, sometimes resulting in carping and insults, sometimes in harsh arguing, and sometimes in ongoing contempt. Even as they intend to send power messages via anger, a clearer interpretation is: Narcissists are carrying decades of unresolved pain inside their soul. While they want to make their anger all about you, in reality, they fear the pain of further rejection and insignificance.
- Automatic defensiveness. Instinctively, when differences arise, narcissists prove incapable of receiving input. They can deny, rationalize, project, displace, shut down… they refuse to receive your concerns. The interpretation to such a reaction is: Narcissists have determined that no one is trustworthy. Based upon history, they fear being shamed, embarrassed, humiliated, or scorned. They think: “Openness gets me nowhere good.”
- Holding onto unbending opinions. Though common sense indicates no one is right at all times, narcissists insist upon having the final word. They are convinced their opinions represent ultimate truth, so they stubbornly hold onto ideas with little willingness to consider separate thoughts. We can interpret this pattern as: Narcissists have concluded that empathy is useless. They presume that trying to understand others is a waste of psychological energy, plus it would involve letting go of power (which they are loathe to do).
- Being hyper critical. Narcissists specialize in finding fault. It’s part of their need to compensate for hidden feelings of being “less than.” They think: “There are so many things wrong with you, where do I even start?” The interpretation for this trend is: Narcissists are truly confused by complexity. It’s too challenging. Feeling psychologically inept, they take the lazy way out by deeming those who different as defective. Problem solved!
- Ignoring you, shutting down. Often in the midst of conflict, narcissists resort to tactics like the silent treatment, punitive withdrawal, or evasiveness. They refuse altogether to engage openly. We can interpret such a response as: Narcissists are perplexed when you assert your independence or distinction. They intend to make you feel uncomfortable as they withdraw, with the hope of forcing compliance. But actually, they quietly struggle with feelings of confusion and defeat.
- Smearing your character. Narcissists are quite willing to elevate themselves by diminishing your reputation. They will use triangulation tactics, gossip, or insults behind your back. The interpretation of such behavior is: If narcissists can make you look bad, it allows them to control the narrative about themselves. They have learned that victims receive sympathy.
Let’s be clear. A narcissist’s lack of honesty about themselves is tied directly to many other issues they will not address. For instance:
The need for a scapegoat
Gaining an upper hand over people who have figured them out
Keeping secrets
Remaining invested in image crafting
Talking over those who dare to have different ideas
Taking preemptive pot shots
Lying very easily
Vying for the superior position
Holding to an astonishing lack of reasoning
Rejecting others over minutia
Yet, even as they hide behind a veneer of false superiority, they scream: “I can’t handle the truth…about you or about myself!”
So, whenever narcissists come toward you with their predictable maladaptive patterns, know you are in the presence of one who is in arrested development. Rather than growing into adult reasoning, they cling to Alternate Reality.
And as you interpret their pathology accurately, you can conclude: If you refuse to come to terms with your internal chaos, we will have a limited relationship at best.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
