Narcissists want you to think they are a finished product, or at least they are not as troubled as the next person. Commonly, they send out the vibe: “I know more about life than you, so you should feel privileged to have my input. I have my stuff together, even if you don’t.” Yet, in truth, these individuals are carriers of tension and immaturity.
In each person’s formative years, we’re faced with questions: Where is my place in the family? In my social circles? How should I respond when I feel rejected? When someone is frustrated with me? When I have been judged unfairly? When I feel uncertain or inadequate? When I am on the outside looking in?
Historically, every person has nursed the thought: “I could use some help. I am facing perplexities that leave me feeling unsure.” In the best-case scenario, each developing person would have someone (preferably more than one) who could fill the role of advisor or confidante. No one is psychologically complete with zero need for guidance or affirmation, so having a go-to encourager can be a real plus.
But many (a strong majority) grow up without the luxury of having that trusted advisor and confidante. They may think: “I’m not sure how to ask for help.” And when their inadequacies emerge, they can fear being mocked, punished, belittled, or exposed. Feeling confused, they can conclude: “I want to explore my needs, but I fear being humiliated or ostracized. I need help, but I can’t afford to ask for help.”
As this dilemma remains, pessimism builds as patterns emerge. For instance:
- Feelings of worthiness and steadiness are shaky at best.
- Fearing invalidation, they become givers of invalidation.
- Anger wells up inwardly and it is hardly ever managed constructively.
- The need to be in control increases, as it becomes a compensation for feeling out of control.
- The need to defend one’s honor is strong, even when it is unnecessary or when it involves trivia.
- Rigid opinions become the norm as that person attempts to project an attitude of self-sufficiency.
- Psychological vulnerability is not an option.
- Low self-esteem becomes a hidden lingering problem.
- The need for affirmation becomes very strong.
- Honesty is sacrificed as exaggerated self-preservation takes center stage.
- They do not develop empathy because they do not trust.
As these patterns continue, they become foundational to narcissistic tendencies. Having soured on the notion of mutually beneficial openness, selfish initiatives are heightened. They become stubbornly unwilling to cooperate. A know-it-all attitude can emerge, even as inner chaos remains strong.
Once these individuals become adults, their dysfunctional patterns “require” them to develop a rigid Alternate Reality. To compensate for longstanding psychological injuries, they cover up the truth of their confusion, projecting instead an air of supremacy. They flip the script and proclaim how they are not the one who needs help. Refusing to come to terms with their need for psychological aid, they insist their problems are due to everyone else’s ineptitude.
Instead of saying: “I need help,” they imply: “I reject your efforts to help me…you’re the problem.” Pessimism has permanently taken over, causing them to be increasingly contentious.
As you engage with narcissists who reject help, it’s only natural to wonder if they could ever see the folly of their Alternate Reality. But you inevitably will witness how the narcissist’s False Self does not allow them to receive help.
Psychological growth requires the humility to admit that denial and perpetual anger are disastrous. But the pattern of narcissism is so strongly tied to the need to appear superior, most narcissists cannot break the hold of false self-sufficiency.
The narcissistic way of life screams: “I feel inept, but I refuse to come to terms with it. My problems are the result of your misunderstanding of me. I’m The Victim.” That being the case, they remain committed to psychological cover-up, and along the way, they experience one disappointing relationship after another.
Sadly, when you indicate a willingness to help them sort out feelings of distress, they will let you know in no uncertain terms: “Discussing my problems is off limits. Leave me alone, get off my back.”
In the end, you are left with the option of accepting the reality of their stubbornness, knowing it does not have to be that way. Despite their obvious need for a better way of life, they have quit on themselves, which means they are quite limited in their ability to hear from you.
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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