A defining feature of a successful life is knowing and living into the essence of love. More than a giddy feeling of attraction or exhilaration, love is a mindset, a way of life. Love is demonstrated via patience and kindness. It prompts us to make sacrifices. It is on display when self-restraint is warranted. Likewise, it is at the base of healthy assertiveness. Love allows others the freedom to choose who they will be. Ideally, it leads to peace and joy.
By contrast, narcissism is grounded in selfishness, the need for undue control, a willingness to exploit, a need to become superior, a lack of empathy, and the construction of a False Self. Narcissism is an anti-love state of mind.
Narcissists might give the appearance of loving traits, but time eventually shows it is little more than fools gold. Narcissists are famously known for love-bombing and being fair-weather friends. But beneath the surface is the notion: “I’ll do whatever I must do so you will supply me with what I want, even when it proves detrimental to you.”
To understand how love is lost on the narcissist, consider many of the byproducts of their non-loving mindset:
- They maintain a very strong agenda regarding the ways others should act, think, and prioritize. They have an insufferable “I’m right” attitude.
- They are easily judgmental and critical.
- Insults and mockery are common.
- They don’t trust. Vulnerability and genuine self-disclosure are anathema to them.
- They cannot handle diversity or complexity. Instead, they require your conformity.
- Anger is easily triggered, revealing a chronic undertow of annoyance.
- When they err, they become highly defensive, making lots of excuses, justifying their own irrationality.
- They bristle at the notion of accountability…it feels too much like subjugation.
- They constantly posture for the dominant position, sometimes with openly aggressive behaviors, and sometimes via passive aggressive means.
- Empathy is missing. You need to understand them, but the same is not true in reverse.
It’s bad enough when narcissists maintain these ingredients, but as these patterns become entrenched, the absence of love leads to more nefarious schemes. They often become proactively wicked, seeking to destroy and denigrate those who do not suit their needs. Seeing fellow humans as little more than objects to be used, darker themes emerge. For instance:
- They can initiate various forms of abuse, leading to traumatic experiences. This can include domestic violence, sexual manipulations, horrific anger outbursts, and being highly intimidating.
- They can train others (including children) to hate the people they hate.
- Chronic lifestyle irresponsibility emerges. They lack conscientiousness as their selfish agenda reflects an “I don’t care about you” way of life.
- Emotional and physical neglect can be prominent.
- They can be cold-hearted regarding the emotional pain they generate.
- They hold grudges easily, prompting them to cling to contempt, bitterness, and hatred.
- There is little appreciation for “us” or “we,” meaning they don’t harmonize.
- Chronic adversity becomes their calling card. To them, it’s me versus you.
As you witness the fullness of this psychopathology, you might wonder why anyone would choose an anti-love way of life. This can prompt you to challenge the narcissist to be/do better. You might find yourself pleading your case or expressing disgust and dismay. And while it is not wrong to feel disturbed by their mannerisms, they are notoriously unwilling to receive input. Instead, they usually respond to your cries with justification, reversal, blame, and shame.
So, let’s go back to the premise of a successful life being grounded in love. As you experience the misery generated by one who is profoundly troubled, remind yourself that you are not obliged to play along with their wicked games. For your own safety and sanity, keep your distance. A narcissist’s non-love is poisonous.
As narcissists persist in their unhealthy patterns, you can cling to the thought: “You have no right whatsoever to direct me. I value my life too much to succumb to your disturbances. Love defines me, which means that your inability to join me requires the absence of my connection.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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