Honesty time: Have you ever indulged selfish thoughts? Are you sometimes stubborn, perhaps clinging to opinions or preferences too tightly? Are there people in your world that you cannot tolerate or accept? Have you ever kept secrets even when it was not really warranted? Is your anger management style ever misguided? Have you ever been insensitive to someone?
As unflattering as it may seem, we each have our dark side. We are each capable of thoughts, words, and deeds that are less than ideal.
But let’s move on to the next question: How willingly do you practice self-examination? As you admit your potential negatives, do you then conclude that this is not who you want to be? Are you in an ongoing process of growth and adjustment?
Feeding your dark side will always be an option, given that it looms inside each soul. But you can ask: Why would I want to feed negative patterns? What is the cost for picking up my worst traits? You could then develop an ongoing awareness of your freedom to choose whatever you want to be, and that awareness would be buttressed by an appreciation for consequences. Prioritizing conscientiousness, you can determine to override dark tendencies in favor of enlightenment.
Enter the narcissist. To make an understatement, they too have dark traits. But instead of employing honest self-examination, they justify why it is okay/necessary to cling to that which is debilitating. They have a diminished willingness to trust. They have no confidence in “The System” they are up against. They do not see the world as inviting, but instead they employ a cynical philosophy of conquer or be conquered. Life to them is a win/lose proposition, so they are dead-set upon being the winner at all costs. This prompts them to look for any advantage they can over you. With a False Self in control, they seek power, dominance, and favored status. They may attempt to put on a show of decency, but in the end, it’s all about Me.
With narcissists, darkness is at the core of their identity. Darkness defines them.
To get an idea how pervasive their dark traits can be, notice how it impacts their mannerisms:
- They approach others with a strong self-serving agenda. “Here’s what I must have.” “This is how you’re supposed to fit into my script.”
- Being entitled, they are highly utilitarian. “What can you do for me?” “How will you advance my cause?”
- They disregard the ideas and needs of others. Their selfishness won’t allow for empathy.
- They show little to no regard for the pain they create in others.
- Unkindness is common, and even when they might act kindly, their motives are suspect.
- Insisting upon your conformity, they do not appreciate the need for harmony in the midst of differences.
- Because they are so tightly defensive, they cannot receive constructive input. They dread being exposed as phony.
- Blaming and shaming statements are predictable as problems emerge.
- When they feel slighted, they wear the Victim’s label like a badge of distinction.
- Arguing is first nature, and their anger is bent toward destruction.
- Dishonesty is rampant.
- They maintain lots of double standards. You have to shape up, they don’t.
- They are givers of misery.
Because they are in the grip of so many dark patterns, narcissists have a profound need to justify their actions despite clear evidence of their psychopathology. They remain, therefore, in a psychological dungeon because they refuse to take responsibility for the many problems they create.
As you increase in wisdom about their predictable trends, you naturally want to help them see the light, so you might offer alternative ways of engagement. But experience reminds you that such efforts are usually an exercise in futility.
Narcissists who remain in darkness have an underdeveloped conscience, dating from their earliest years when they did not internally grasp the why of goodness. They remain fixated in juvenile immaturity due to a longstanding deficiency in emotional management. Focusing only on maintaining self-serving public impressions, inner character was not well established. When they do attach, it is only for the purpose of finding someone who will prop up their misguided narratives. Relationship collapse is inevitable, but as far as the narcissist is concerned, it’s inevitably the fault of everyone but oneself.
As your self-examination drives you toward goodness and civility, remind yourself: Yes, it’s always possible that I can lapse into dark themes, but I choose not to live in it. I choose instead the path of honor and dignity. As I commit to psychological and spiritual wisdom, I’m saddened by the narcissist’s inability to join me. But I will not be deterred.
Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
