Does the narcissist care about you? It all depends on how we define caring. If it means having a craving or desire, then yes, they care about keeping you around as narcissistic supply. But if we think of caring as being empathetic and supportive, then the answer to our question is no. Narcissists seek individuals who will prop up their idealized self-image, and they are utilitarian by nature. They want enablers, not partners.
Narcissists are calculated as they approach relationships. They require loyalty, and certainly want your deference. They want you to fill roles in their life script. But they have little need to know you beyond what you can contribute to their comfort. Sadly, narcissists view you as a prop, a means to an end, a potential cheerleader, or perhaps a useful idiot. They do not see you as a fellow sojourner seeking a balanced life. Their thinking is too shallow to be concerned with honest introspection or matters of the heart.
Narcissists scoff at your inclination to be caring. Being insensitive power-hungry users, they presume that a caring demeanor weakens you and would weaken them as they pursue dominance.
To them, nurturance indicates fragility. Why is that?
- Narcissists have a deep history of feeling judged. They have learned that tender expressions leave them vulnerable to rejection or ridicule.
- They also have a history of feeling managed, that there was an agenda to uphold. Therefore, they naturally bring a managing mindset toward you.
- They have noticed that the real power people are forceful, not gentle or “touchy-feely.”
- In paranoia, they fear being dismissed if they appear confused, so they learned to prioritize certainty.
- Narcissists have a poor appreciation for interconnection. They cannot grasp the concept of feeling content by contributing to others’ contentment.
- With narcissists, image and prestige are more important than heart connection.
- Pensive thinking is almost completely absent, especially as it relates to topics like life’s purpose or meaning. Narcissists are functional in relationships, period.
- Narcissists are driven by hidden emotions like fear, loneliness, shame, and anger, but they have virtually no desire to explore those emotions beyond finding someone to blame.
- When someone is soft, they lack the skillset to reciprocate. In fact, it repels them.
- As emotional tensions arise, concrete answers are prioritized over empathy.
- Rather than viewing differences as an opportunity to learn, they see differences as a reason to act divisively.
As narcissists illustrate a lack of nurturance and regard, they imply: “I have no clue about the nature of love.” Love to them is little more than an idealized fantasy, found only when self-serving conditions are met. They are confused by emotional complexities. They do not know how to process emotional pain, nor do they feel the need to learn the root causes of your needs and ideas.
If they could be honest, they would admit: “Tuning into you diverts attention away from my favorite person…Me!”
As you witness the narcissist’s lack of nurturing, remind yourself that a loving spirit is essential to a gratifying life…a truth completely lost on the self-absorbed narcissist. Also remember that caring for others is an extension of your love and acceptance toward yourself…another truth lost on the narcissist.
Let’s hope you can resolve: “I know how comforting it is when someone is warmhearted and understanding toward me, so it makes sense to pass along such qualities when opportunities arise. Being caring is a high priority in my life.”
But brace yourself. If a narcissist is challenged to adopt that mindset, you’ll likely hear something like: “You’re stupid. You’re naïve. That’s not how the real world operates. I’ll not lower myself by adopting a weakling approach to people. That’s not appealing at all.”
Sometimes, when you are a caring person, you have to learn to care about people even when they are clearly misguided…but from a distance.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
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