When you think of the word narcissist, do you immediately think of peace? What about contentment? Pleasantness? Joy?
How about none of the above.
Unfortunately, when you think about narcissists, the opposites come to mind. These individuals create turmoil, distress, annoyance, friction, and irritability. They are masters at creating then perpetuating chaos, the feeling of disorder and confusion. And it never stops.
The possibilities for their chaotic initiatives are quite varied. Here are ways it can work:
- Lots of gaslighting, questioning your motives, decisions, and memory.
- Mocking and ridiculing you in general. Belittlement is built into their mindset toward you.
- Asking lots of loaded questions. (“Where did you hear that?” “Why would you feel that way?”)
- Provoking you to anger, then using it against you.
- Reminding you that you are the problematic person.
- Lots of deliberate non-cooperation; passive-aggressive tactics.
- Use of revisionist history.
- Accusations. Questioning your thinking, priorities.
- Chronic invalidations, especially in disagreements.
- Not listening…you’re not worth the effort.
- Stonewalling, especially when you have something important to say.
- Triangulation, pitting you off a third party.
- Many demands that you will not be able to meet.
- Lashing out when you disagree.
- Friendly in public, cruel in private.
- Picking fights at really bad times. (Bedtime, when you are about to go somewhere, right before company arrives, ect.)
- Ruining holidays or special events.
The list could continue, but you get the idea. They bring little peace, but lots of friction. It’s who they are, it’s what they do.
Do narcissists feel satisfied as they perpetuate chaos? That’s probably not the right way to see it, given their ongoing psychological strain. It would be more accurate to state that when they create chaos, it allows them to feel justified. They can point the finger of accusation, claiming they would have a much better life if only you could get your act together.
Despite their insistence upon blaming you, keep in mind, their penchant for generating chaos is not caused by you. It would be happening if someone else was in front of them. You just happen to be the one on their stage.
Narcissists carry much longstanding turmoil.
They have hardly ever had the luxury of genuinely gratifying relationships. Tension is the psychological currency they have to spend. It is at the center of their identity. Their history of bitterness, dissatisfaction, and contempt has never been resolved, meaning they predictably sow seeds of discord wherever they go.
Because of their weak, inadequate coping skills, they look outwardly for psychological relief. Their goal is to make you responsible for their misery. Likewise, if they can provoke you into an agitated response, it takes the focus (in their minds) off of their deficiencies. You see, their offensive initiatives are part of an elaborate defense strategy. They are masters at projection, seeing in you what they cannot manage within themselves.
As you ponder the wisest responses, first remember that narcissists have underdeveloped self-reflection skills. Lacking honesty and insight, they don’t see themselves as the problem, but the victim. Also keep in mind, most narcissists struggle with paranoia. They don’t trust and they are natural pessimists. To say they are insecure is a gross understatement. They are devoid of confidence, even as they insist upon dominance. In other words, they are psychologically crippled.
Narcissists are in profound pain. Whenever they unload chaos, it is a reminder of their unresolved agony. In a sense, they are wailing: “I feel completely incapable of managing my life. I require you to carry the burdens I cannot.”
Narcissists want you to enter all the way into their chaos. They would love to hear: “Sure, I’ll join you with my counter responses of chaos; that way, you can make me your scapegoat.”
Don’t take the bait. You have enough on your hands to be responsible for your own boundaries and initiatives. The name of their game is: Let’s You And Me Be Irresponsible. But you can reply: “Nope, I don’t play that game.”
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
