It’s simply a fact, narcissists can trigger many raw feelings within you. With their controlling ways and impenetrable defenses, coordination can feel impossible, and this can create within you a broad sense of disdain. Such an emotion prompts you to conclude: “This person has been so persistently difficult, I no longer have any positive regard. I’m weary. I strongly dislike who they are and what they stand for. I want to be far away. The toll has become too high.”
There is a primary reason you feel disdainful in such a situation. Simply put, to the narcissist, you are permanently inferior. The narcissist has appointed oneself as judge, meaning condescension is predictably forthcoming. It is common for the narcissist to smear your character, sometimes directly, sometimes behind your back. That person inevitably reminds you frequently that you are deficient in your many decisions, assumptions, and preferences. You don’t measure up…you never have and you never will.
As the narcissist clings to the presumption of your built-in inferiority, a wide array of patterns emerge. They include:
- Many criticisms about your deeply flawed character.
- Invalidating your perceptions or needs.
- Speaking words of ridicule about you.
- Stepping over your opinions, insisting you adopt theirs.
- Questioning your descriptions about significant events.
- Giving you advice you neither want or need.
- Arguing strongly, with no allowance for your input.
- Enticing others to think poorly of you.
These patterns don’t just arise from a vacuum. As narcissists become entrenched in traits like selfishness, anger, haughtiness, and entitlement, they concoct an Alternate Reality to support their cause. In other words, in the narcissist’s world, truth is expedient. It is “invented” to prop up their false version of how life should be. Making it worse, they want you play along with their glaringly obvious inaccuracies. They insist:
- I’m special and enlightened, therefore, I have the right to pronounce judgment.
- I may have a few flaws, but they are nothing compared to yours.
- This would be a better world if more people thought like me.
- Whenever I become rude or unhinged…A. It’s not as awful as you depict, and B. It was your fault.
- I know you better than you know yourself.
- I have no need to learn from you. I know all I need to know.
As their delusions become “fact,” you can think: “So let me get this straight. I’m inferior and I bring little redeeming value to the equation. Did I get that right?” And the narcissist would reply: “Yes, that sounds right.” You can continue: “So when we differ, that means the only allowable response from me is to defer to you?” And the narcissist would retort: “Why yes, that’s a very reasonable conclusion.”
You are permanently inferior. The narcissist is permanently superior. End of discussion.
Is it any wonder that you feel disdain?
When it’s clear that you are up against such an alternate view of reality, allow yourself to feel disdainful and frustrated. It would be strange if you did not. That said, make it a goal that your emotions will not have the final say about who you are and how you move forward. You are in the presence of one who chooses not to learn. That person is so invested in a False Self that your pronouncements to the contrary will not be welcomed. Accept that as truth.
As you move forward, remind yourself that you can no longer afford to be connected at any deep level with one who holds to the premise of their false superiority and your permanent inferiority. Instead, you can think: “Go your way with your Alternate Reality. Think as you will. My mindset is so different from yours that we are not going to be a good match. Nonetheless, I’ll stand in self-respect…with or without your endorsement.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
