There is no debate that a life of rewarding connections is better than that of stark aloneness. That’s why traits like love, respect, and encouragement are so vital. And at the very heart of rewarding connections is the quality of empathy: Understanding another’s needs and emotions from that person’s perspective.
To develop true empathy, you would be willing to lay aside your ego long enough to invest in the relationship, which would set the stage harmony to emerge, which would then lead to unity. Relationships guided by empathy would mirror the way a symphonic orchestra works. While the violin differs from a trumpet, which differs from a snare drum, which differs from an oboe, they can still play from the same musical score to create a whole. Likewise, as people engage within relationships in a variety of ways, empathy allows us to converge with a unified result.
Enter the narcissists. They are too selfish and controlling to prioritize empathy, meaning they do not invest or seek harmony, nor are they inclined toward unity.
Instead, their beginning point with others is to create uniformity.
They insist upon sameness of opinions, priorities, and interpretations, especially when conflicts arise. Narcissists have concluded: “I can only relate with people who think like me.”
As part of their narcissism, they maintain patterns illustrating how their need for uniformity supersedes empathy. For instance:
- They are exclusive, not inclusive.
- They lead with a closed system of thinking, not open.
- They are readily judgmental, not accepting.
- Criticism overrides affirmation.
- In the midst of tensions, patience is displaced by anger.
- They are instinctively defensive, not receptive.
- Being egocentric, they are not inclined toward being other-focused.
- They are conceited (sometimes blatantly, sometimes covertly), not humble.
- They cling to biases, not fair-minded thinking.
Healthy individuals are willing to curtail such impulses, prioritizing empathy. In fact, as they do, it leads the way toward a bonus trait…compassion. Their willingness to show compassion prompts them to proactively choose kindness. They move toward others in moments of distress and take action to bring healing and comfort to those who suffer. They naturally feel and express gratitude, and champion good fortune on behalf of others.
Meanwhile, as narcissists who insist upon uniformity engage with others, it is with a “fix-it” mindset. They are not bashful in telling others what they ought to do or how they should adjust to satisfy the narcissist. It does not occur to them to ask: How can I know you more fully in this moment? How might I support you?
A narcissist’s insistence upon uniformity is directly tied to fear-based self-protection, leading to a strong insistence upon control.
They think only about oneself when differences arise, then they feel compelled to force you to defer. They have abandoned hope that trust can be integral to the relationship, but instead, they seek relationships of a codependent nature. (“I must insist that you prop up my needs of the moment.”)
So, there you are, wishing to find investment, harmony, and unity in your relationship, rubbing shoulders with one who insists upon uniformity. Where does this leave you?
Realize that narcissists are not composed such that they are capable of immersive relationships. Instead, they are transactional and function only. That being the case, keep your expectations realistic. You will not have deep exchanges with one who is incapable of relationship depth.
Instead, seek the company of individuals who truly prioritize love, respect, and encouragement. And know that the fullness of a person’s empathy is on display not when the going is ideal, but when conflict emerges. That’s when individuals’ true colors are displayed.
Without uniformity, narcissists predictably unravel. But healthy people who prioritize empathy become curious as differences are evident. Their lead thought is: “Just as an orchestra harmonizes, how can we too find unity in the midst of our distinctions?”
Heathy people understand that unity and uniformity are two entirely different matters.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
