Healthy people approach relationships with an emphasis on mutuality. They want personal exchanges to be beneficial for them, while also recognizing that others desire the same. This leads to the willingness to work together for a common good.
By definition, narcissists don’t emphasize mutuality, but selfish gain. They might give the appearance of interest in others, but only as it benefits themselves. They are too self-centered to sacrifice or to simply tend to others in ways that might feel a bit inconvenient. It is in their nature to place self-interest above all else.
As they relate with you, there are two very common blunders (miscalculations) they make that torpedo longstanding healthiness: First, they seek personal gain that clearly harm others. Then second, in mistreating others, they bring harm upon themselves.
I call this the narcissistic double blunder.
As examples:
- A narcissist can be greedy, wanting more, more, more. He becomes secretive with questionable spending, shunning accountability. When the flow of money becomes strained, he scrambles to play the cover-up game.
- A woman dates a man who is upright and stable, yet she secretly nurses rebellious feelings against the status quo. Behind his back, she hooks up with a “bad boy” who brings out the worst in her character.
- An extended family member is highly opinionated about many topics. When given the opportunity, he is pushy and dominates conversations. Being perpetually offensive, he has lost many friendships.
- A woman volunteers to help with seemingly good tasks. But she is so critical, she predictably creates stress with those who wish to coordinate, and inevitably she works herself into a state of agitation.
As narcissists bring harm to you and to themselves, there are multiple factors in play:
- They have a lack of future thinking. They don’t ask: “Where are my decisions leading me? What is the likely outcome of my initiatives?” Living in the selfish now is all they do.
- They nurse dark cynicism. Inwardly they think: “Why would I want to be open with anyone about my inner struggles? It won’t profit me.”
- They have not cultivated emotional intelligence. Developing empathetic skills and conscientiousness takes a back seat to servicing oneself.
- They simply ignore inconvenient truth. If someone draws attention to facts they do not wish to accommodate, they argue and give no credit to the merits of others’ input. They don’t learn.
- Predatory instincts override relational sensitivities. Rather than being flexible with those who have separate needs, they: “What can I gain by my association with you?” They see others in terms of utility to them.
- Ignoring their own problematic attitudes, they repeat the same tired patterns for years and years.
As narcissists persist in their double blunders, they predictably portray themselves as The Victim when things go wrong. They look for someone to blame for their many troubles. They make excuses for their own dysfunctional attitudes and emotions. They displace their turmoil onto you.
As you attempt to discuss your concerns with such a person, you’ll find them to be emotionally slippery. That is, they will refuse to take responsibility for their obvious problems. Their egotism will not allow them to admit wrong. Instead, they will argue when you are assertive. Then, as you prove to be non-compliant, their control tendencies will go into overdrive.
As narcissists make the double blunder of harming you while also bringing harm upon themselves, your natural tendency will be to appeal to the need for mutuality. But remember, by definition, they don’t think about Us. They are consumed with Me.
That being the case, don’t go down the rabbit hole of trying to make them see the light. Don’t engage in their arguments, because you will be vilified, and the narcissist will gaslight. Knowing the potential for abusive treatment is present, be mindful that you are in the presence of one who will summon dark behaviors when cornered.
Instead, inwardly acknowledge your reasonable desires and intentions. Stay assertive in the sense that you will set stipulations and consequences when necessary, and you will act in ways that allow you to maintain self-respect and dignity. When necessary, seek counseling or turn to trustworthy allies who can discuss options with you about your long-term needs.
As they continue creating problems for you and within themselves, narcissists illustrate how they have lost the necessary appreciation for respectful engagement. Witnessing this, your separate response can be to practice self-care so you can contribute to your personal well- being while also remaining mindful of the needs of those near you.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
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