How commonly have you experienced a narcissist’s efforts to “put you in your place”? To bring you down, or to explain the superior way of doing things? To tell you how to think?
Narcissists bring toxic competitiveness to all sorts of scenarios where it simply does not belong. They obsess about winning versus losing, being “better than” versus “less than.” This is evidenced by their need to elevate themselves by making you feel inadequate.
Narcissists don’t think: “When you and I differ, I can still accept you. I can show understanding. I’m curious about why you feel as you do. I can respect you even when we disagree. Who knows, maybe I can learn something.”
Having a longstanding inability to manage shame and judgment, when differences arise they must prove they are the stronger person. Or perhaps more to the point, they are compelled to prove they are not the weaker person. (That’s why they grab the Victim label so quickly.)
Narcissists dread being called out as a loser. They don’t want to be known as wrong, off-base, ill-informed, or non-sensical. That would mean failure. It doesn’t occur to them that being misguided can be anything other than humiliating. To them, being on the wrong end of the competitive scale is a major strike against their character. Their fear of being shamed is baked in.
To get an idea of how commonly this mindset is in play, consider a narcissist’s Victor/Victim mindset in common scenarios. They can play either role quite skillfully:
(Victor) I know so much more than you.
(Victim) Why are you so disagreeable toward me?
(Victor) I do so many things right.
(Victim) If something goes wrong, it’s due to your incompetence.
(Victor) My time is valuable.
(Victim) You’re just wasting my time.
(Victor) I have a right to be angry.
(Victim) You’re unfair when you’re angry.
(Victor) My opinions are so accurate.
(Victim) Your opinions make me feel so stressed.
(Victor) You need to answer my question.
(Victim) How dare you question me!
(Victor) I’m just trying to have a constructive conversation.
(Victim) You’re just being argumentative, again.
(Victor) I’m not manipulative, just persuasive.
(Victim) You are so manipulative.
(Victor) You’d better work within my time lines.
(Victim) Why are you constantly disrespecting my time?
(Victor) You deserve punishment.
(Victim) I’ll destroy you if you come against me.
(Victor) I like self-gratifying experiences.
(Victim) I’ve never known anyone as selfish as you.
To understand how narcissists automatically turn situations into a Victor/Victim referendum, it is essential to see how they are in a chronically defensive posture. This pattern has been in place since their developmental years. Historically (whether at home or in other impactful surroundings) they learned not to trust. They did not feel understood, nor did they feel consistently safe. Acceptance, to them, felt fleeting or tenuous. They did not learn the necessary skills for conflict resolution.
Managing emotions cleanly seemed impossible. They never learned the art of sifting through relationship complexities.
Instead, they thought:
- I can’t let people know how much I struggle.
- It’s a blame game out there. People judge constantly. I’ve got to gain an edge.
- Even if I don’t feel like a winner, I have to look like a winner.
- I’d better have a good excuse when I fail.
- Being different sets up the potential for being rejected.
- When my humanity is exposed, it’s a major humiliation.
Their Victor/Victim game became a central coping strategy. They reasoned that if they are positioned as a Victor, they can overcome all sorts of uncomfortable judgments. And in the absence of individuals to crown them as Superior, they decided: “If no one will crown me as the Best, I’ll just take that task upon myself!” Likewise, as they learned that others might continue to judge, they decided: “I’m not the loser they say I am, I’m just a Victim of their poor treatment.”
As you see the folly of their reasoning, you could propose a different approach to the narcissist: “Let’s agree, I’m a mixture of pluses and minuses just as you are. Why don’t we join forces to find the camaraderie we each want.”
Unfortunately, the narcissist most likely will think: “That doesn’t compute.” And so, they spin in the never-ending mindset of Victor/Victim. Some people just don’t learn.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
