The broad spectrum of narcissistic traits guarantees ongoing psychological dysfunction. When traits like selfishness, control, and manipulation are prominent, it is certain that all sorts of strains will follow. Predictably when a narcissist’s brokenness persists, you will routinely experience feelings of dismay, futility, disgust, and agony. In many cases, your life trajectory will be plagued with setbacks, even as the narcissist seemingly goes his/her merry way leaving you to lick your wounds.
As a therapist, I would remind people that they are not wrong or weak as they struggle emotionally. Given the necessity of goodness, it would be abnormal if you were not impacted by the narcissist’s chaos.
That said, some people are so bogged down by a narcissist’s mistreatment that they feel incapable of healing. They might cry out: “I hate what has happened. This person is out to ruin me! I can’t recover from a narcissist’s abusiveness!” Their distress can be so strong that it becomes a defining feature. In those cases, it is necessary to walk the fine line of nurturing oneself in the midst of mistreatment, while also claiming ownership of personal growth and stability.
As you correctly label a narcissist’s manipulations as unjust, it is also necessary to stay focused on your better way of life. And there is one primary sign indicating that healing adjustments are on the horizon. You can determine: “I’m ready to lay down my bitterness and lingering resentment.”
While you need not deny the legitimacy of your grievances, you can conclude: “Enough is enough. I’m finished. I’ll not be defined by the narcissist’s mistreatment.”
Typically, this readiness is not an overnight matter, but the result of many reminders that the narcissist is so stuck in maladaptive behavior that your interests are best served when you detach and forge a separate path.
To enter the healing process, you will need to make many acknowledgments about your plight. For instance:
- I accept that the narcissist is stubbornly unwilling (or incapable) to adjust. That truth has been proven over and over. I get it.
- I cannot fix someone who does not feel the need to be fixed. That is not my job.
- I like justice and fairness, but in a world that is sometimes cruel and harsh, fairness does not always happen.
- I will allow myself to have ongoing grief and regret, yet I will not be so consumed by it that I am paralyzed.
- I’m capable of searching out the alternatives to the narcissist’s inappropriateness.
- I have let go of my shock. I’m no longer driven by what should be, but I am grounded by what is.
- Despite the unwanted consequences of the narcissist’s influence, I’ll figure it out.
- I’m tired of giving so much energy to my anger. It wears me out. The anger may not be wrong, but I have higher priorities.
- When the narcissist unfairly portrays me to others, I will not be consumed by it. Over the long haul, my character will speak into the subject of my reasonableness.
- I understand that psychological growth commonly flows out of our greatest pain. I don’t particularly like it, but I’m a realist.
- When that pain arises, I’ll ask: “What does this teach me about the meaningful aspects of life? What am I learning?”
- I’ll treat myself with honor and favor.
- I’ll keep my eyes open for others like me who have had similar experiences and who need words of encouragement.
It’s necessary to stay informed about the psychological patterns at the base of a narcissist’s dysfunctions. Objectivity is crucial as you seek stability. More importantly, it is also necessary to find your reasons to think and prioritize in ways that distinguish you as a survivor.
Your bottom-line assessment can be: “I pity the narcissist who wallows in hatred, and who chooses to exploit. Instead, I choose love over hate.” When bitterness and resentment seem entrenched, you can pause then remind yourself: “I’m focused on the way of love and civility, starting with my attitudes about myself, then extending toward those who can walk with me in such a mindset.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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