When we focus on the impacts of a trauma bond, we commonly (and rightly) give attention to the one receiving the abuse. But in order to find fuller healing, we gain keener insight as we also flip the script and look at the other side of the equation.
What drives the narcissistic abuser?
What is their “gain”?
Exactly what are they hoping to accomplish at your expense?
Why do they stick around or keep coming back?
Why do they refuse accountability, much less the willingness to change for the better?
Let’s address these questions by examining the abusive narcissist’s big picture. As you gaze into the make-up of that person, multiple issues are in play:
- A very high percentage of abusers were themselves abused, or short of that, were openly encouraged to be dominant. Power is their familiarity zone.
- They learned that subjugating others is an ideal to be sought. Therefore, having a foil is necessary in the pursuit of superiority.
- They have zero conception of love. They may say they seek love, but what they really want is admiration and blind deference.
- They rationalize that if they have to bruise or demean you to get what they want, that’s fair game…to the point that such thinking is first nature to them.
- Empathy is sorely lacking. They cannot give what they have not received. Seeking to understand you is not even on their radar screen.
- Needing a lackey to pour their vitriol into, they have perfected the “art” of criticism. In fact, they are convinced you are fortunate to have them tell you what is wrong.
The net result is an inability to learn.
Abusers become so bound by their warped thinking that they cannot or will not receive guidance. Instead, they create then perpetuate turmoil that guarantees perpetual discord, then they blame you for the discord. This keeps them vulnerable to hair-triggered anger, while it simultaneously reveals inner neediness. By that I mean, they have no healthy coping skills of their own, so their only path toward problem solving is to pressure you into making them feel steady.
So, as we ponder the question of why they stick around, a pitiable truth rises to the surface: Abusive narcissists are in profound psychic pain. It is their currency; it is what they have to offer. They are saddled with a lifetime of emotional incompetence, to the extent that they are unable to see they are their own worst enemy. They are too empty and emotionally fragile to examine oneself objectively.
All they know to do is to give you a taste of the unexamined pain they carry. They need you as a receptacle.
As you receive their abuse, becoming drawn into their world of psychic agony, your natural instinct will be protest. Whether you voice it or not, inwardly you think: Enough! This is insane! Indeed it is, and my response to such a protest is…Good for you! You don’t deserve the narcissist’s vitriol, nor should you play your assigned role.
In your protest, you come to a point of decision, prompting you to ponder your options. Let’s look at three broad possibilities:
- You can respond in kind. If the narcissists hates, so will you. If anger is served, you can dish it back. If irresponsibility reigns, you can join in.
- You can collapse personally and emotionally, meaning you would defer, acquiesce, and appease. You would take no outward initiative for fear that your effort to break free would lead to severe repercussions.
- You can develop and cling to self-affirming resolve. You would affirm that there is nothing about the narcissist’s abusive pattern that appeals to you. This would propel you toward a life-long search for the cleaner alternatives.
Obviously, Option #3 is the desirable choice. Are you willing to go that path? As you witness and experience the narcissist’s pathology, you can define for yourself the cleaner alternatives. For instance, you can embrace empathy, clean anger, separate initiatives, self-respect, and honor. To succeed, you will almost inevitably need to get as far away from the abuser as possible, and that will likely require you to reach out toward individuals and groups who are positioned to be safe guides.
As you consider option #3, underscore the word, resolve. Whereas the abuser might insist you are needed as that receptacle for their misery, you are under zero obligation. Why would you take orders from one who wishes to destroy? Instead, you can become guided by the thought: “I cannot afford to be under your spell. It is my task to build a life upon the foundational principles of Dignity, Respect, and Civility.” Nothing less will be acceptable.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
