An essential ingredient in mature relationships is empathy, understanding another person’s feelings and perceptions from that individual’s perspective. Empathy signals true regard for the other. Taking it one step further, compassion builds upon that regard with action. As they comprehend another’s needs, compassionate people make efforts to minimize or alleviate the other’s distress.
Pause on that notion. How many narcissistic individuals are known for empathy and compassion? Of course, the answer is virtually none. Defining features of narcissism include raw selfishness, a high need for control, a need to be superior, exploitive intentions, and a dismissive attitude toward others’ needs and feelings. Narcissists are not known for genuine, consistent decency.
Let’s focus for a moment on some of the primary indicators of compassion. They include:
- Feeling no need to judge or condemn those who differ.
- Openly encouraging those who feel down or defeated.
- Maintaining dignity during disagreements.
- Openly acknowledging, “entering into” the suffering of another person.
- Being tolerant when others feel confused or distressed.
- Discussing relationship challenges constructively.
- Speaking up in the presence of injustice.
- Being guided by principles larger than one’s singular ego.
As these aspects of compassion become common, the chances for happiness (in others, within oneself) increase. A sense of connection and community emerges. Fear diminishes as trust increases. Leadership and influence are enhanced as the compassionate one becomes an exemplar worthy of following. Then as a bonus, compassion becomes contagious when warmth is received and passed along.
In general, narcissists are devoid of compassion. If it was ever present at all, time reveals that the inclination toward compassion has died. Somewhere along the way in their personal development, they nixed the notion that they should treat others with regard. Perhaps they occasionally try to appear nice, yet experience reveals they are just transactional, using seemingly good deeds for personal advancement only.
When compassion dies, narcissists descend into patterns contrary to decency. For instance:
- They are not emotionally safe, but destructive.
- They struggle with jealousy and envy, rendering them incapable of sharing others’ joy.
- They become argumentative and combative, even when there is little provocation.
- Insensitivity is depicted via cold-hearted, callous actions.
- They become mean toward those who do not comply with their wishes.
- They are secretive regarding their own personal struggles.
- If their struggles become known, they resort to blaming and exaggerated excuses.
- Phoniness becomes their norm.
- They openly solicit others to join them in their harshness.
- Defensiveness and suspicion are constant.
- When disappointed, they routinely claim a victim’s status.
- Their lives lack meaning beyond servicing their own selfish agenda.
As you delve into the reasons narcissists shun compassion, several explanations can emerge. For instance, they themselves may have received non-compassionate initiatives from significant people. Modeling is a powerful teacher. Likewise, judgment was a strong feature in their primary relationships, prompting them to place people into worthy versus unworthy categories. Additionally, they did not learn the value of mutuality. They do not grasp how interconnected humans can be. As a result, any form of vulnerability (theirs or others) is daunting. To them, entering into the space of human struggle feels too risky.
The net result is that a narcissist’s lack of compassion results in an inability to process many aspects of mere humanity. Instead, their psyche is dominated by egotism, distrust, a naturally adversarial attitude, and pervasive gamesmanship for dominance.
That is what narcissists become when compassion dies.
As you witness this sad, problematic way of life, your challenge is to see it as a failure to lean into love and honor. Understanding that, you can prioritize the way of connection at the heart level as opportunities arise. You will acknowledge that all people, yourself included, suffer at some level, which can lead to your application of the Golden Rule…doing toward others as you would have them do toward you.
When you intuit that a fellow human is in travail, recognize that there is a back story to be known. Seek it out. When another person clearly needs encouragement, become the giver of hope. As others seem off-beat or unusual, show decency and respect.
Narcissists have concluded that being compassionate is scary. It leaves them vulnerable to having their own personal weaknesses exposed. Healthy people, however, understand that offering goodness and assistance is the ultimate indicator of internal strength. While narcissists presume that compassion requires them to give up power, your life can be guided by a very different thought: “Compassion is more than understanding a person…it compels me to give love away every chance I can.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
