It’s virtually impossible to overestimate a narcissist’s need for Alternate Reality. They have a longstanding fear of vulnerability which has led to covering the Real Self, composing a False Self, while perpetuating their Shadow Self. The latter consists of the parts of oneself that narcissists choose to ignore or that they cannot come to terms with.
The net result of this fear is lying. In general, they are willing to be dishonest with people as evidenced by keeping secrets, staying defensive, and being pretentious. But before being dishonest with others, they have already made up lies to tell themselves. To them, truth is too risky, and it explains their deep history of relationship manipulations.
To get an idea of the extensiveness of their Alternate Reality, let’s highlight ten of the most common lies narcissists tell themselves:
- I deserve favored treatment. Being consistently selfish, they make many demands, they maintain an ever-present Agenda, and they express persistent frustration when you do not give them the deference they feel you owe them.
- My expectations are realistic. Time proves that narcissists cannot be pleased, but they are notoriously unwilling to discuss how contentious they are. Instead, they exonerate themselves with justification and rationalization.
- When I err, it can’t be my fault. Narcissists refuse to take responsibility for problems they generate, so they blame-shift. They will see in you what they cannot accept in themselves, prompting them to shame you even as they victimize you.
- There is truly no need to understand others. Drawing upon great hubris, narcissists deem themselves as keepers of truth, meaning they insist that you will benefit by dropping your unique feelings and perspectives. If you will just adhere to their plans, all would be well. Empathy is sorely lacking.
- My anger is justified. Since narcissists play games with truth, it sets up the strong potential for agitation. When you feel that way, it means you are a disruptor. When they feel that way, it’s because you set up tension they otherwise would not experience.
- My opinions should become your truth. So self-impressed are narcissists that when they settle upon an opinion, they become obnoxiously close-minded. They will communicate stubbornly and will not rest until you acquiesce to their greater insights.
- Your independence equals rebellion/rejection. Naturally, when you feel discounted or controlled, you balk or seek a separate path. But as far as the narcissist is concerned, that merely proves how rebellious you are and how you carelessly reject the narcissist’s presumed enlightenment.
- Love (or respect) means you admiring me. Narcissists have little to no conception of kindness as a simple gesture of goodness. They are not inclined toward ongoing decency, and they reject the need to show mercy or grace. They simply require your ongoing devotion.
- Giving is overrated. Despite the many benefits of offering goodness and service, narcissists are primarily takers. If they do give, it inevitably comes with demands. But in general, they simply prefer to be recipients of others’ favors.
- My past mistakes should be overlooked. Part of individual and relationship growth consists of examining problems for the sake of improvement. But narcissists are so self-protective that they refuse. So steeped are they in judgmental thinking that they cannot fathom the need for self-examination.
Narcissists carry too much hidden shame to admit that their approach to life is dysfunctional. That is why we can confidently conclude that their lies are so essential to them that they become defining.
As you seek wisdom in your responses, know that there are times when it is reasonable to speak up and call foul. That said, brace yourself for the predictable denial and victim-shaming. Even so, make your commitment to personal independence clear. Drop any illusion that you will make them see the light, and when necessary, create distance from them.
It is a tragedy when anyone is so fragile that they have to play a disinformation game, meaning the Shadow Self guarantees ongoing turmoil. But when it becomes apparent that narcissists will remain stubbornly dishonest, that becomes your cue to seek healthier alternatives.
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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