As a therapist, I was never shocked when I learned that decent people became pulled in by lousy circumstances. No one is immune from psychological pain or dysfunction, but the mark of maturaty lies in the ways they respond. As I was in the process of ascertaining a patient’s responses to unwanted tension, my internal question would be: “Does this person have the capacity for insight, and are they eager to learn and make healthy adjustments?”
As basic as that notion is, narcissists are not eager to develop insights or to improve psychologically. To do so requires qualities like openness to input, the willingness to admit flaws, honesty, and moderation of defenses.
Such ingredients are sorely lacking in people prone toward narcissism. Instead, they lie easily. They can cling to irrational anger, along with ongoing contempt. Offering no apologies for their mistreatment of others, they can nurse stone-cold grudges. Over time, they develop moral and ethical corruption which prompts them to ignore healing truths. Blame-shifting takes priority over personal responsibility.
In other words, when confronted with the need to examine oneself, narcissists opt out.
In order to maintain your composure in the presence of a narcissist’s inability to adjust, it is essential to understand what drives such a manner of life. Consider these common patterns:
- Narcissists will cling to controlling attitudes while remaining indifferent to the resulting negative repercussions.
- They unapologetically justify their worst traits, no matter how clearly you draw attention to them.
- They reinvent truth even when they have acted very inappropriately.
- They maintain many double standards.
- They are masters of gaslighting. To them, it is a game when they seek to create confusion within you.
- Blame and accusation are first nature to them.
- They refuse accountability.
- Lacking empathy, they maintain rigid, poorly conceived opinions.
Understanding all this, there is one question to ask yourself as the narcissist’s intransigence remains strong: How many times have you been sucked into arguments that prove to be futile? As you address your concerns with that person, does your voice become insistent? How many times have you thought to yourself: “I can’t believe this person is so dense!”
Like most, it is quite common to become exasperated by the narcissist’s unwillingness to adjust, and making it worse, the narcissist feels empowered as that become apparent.
In moments of repetitive discord with a narcissist your challenge is to accept ugly truth. Yes, that can feel defeatist, and it cuts against your grain to delve psychologically, yet there it is. As a general rule, when times get tough, narcissist don’t adjust, they just become all the more committed to dysfunction.
If you can accept the ugly truth of a narcissist’s stubborn dysfunction, your next question is: Can you manage yourself cleanly knowing the narcissist’s condition may be permanent? Or to put it plainly: Can you move on from “what if” to “what is”?
When it sinks in that the narcissist will not change, focus on the one person you can trust…yourself. You will be required to look beyond your immediate pain to focus on the long game, but it can be done. Sadly, you will at times have to absorb pain and feelings of loss as Reality reminds you that some people are beyond redemption. And you will be required to set relationship boundaries for personal protection. You will grieve. You will lament the unfairness of the circumstances.
Yet, despite the havoc created by a narcissist, you remain in charge of your life’s course. You can remain true to integrous priorities. You can connect with individuals who know and live into love. You can follow plans and priorities that differ greatly from those of the narcissist. As the sad truth of a narcissist’s refusal to grow remains, you can resolve: “I release the narcissist from my dream of harmony as I simultaneously remind myself that I remain free to live into the matters of life that bring meaning.?
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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