Let’s begin with an affirming thought. Self-esteem is an essential ingredient for a life of well-being. It is reasonable for an individual to state: “This is me, I’m a decent person, and I’ll rightly pursue my needs because it’s a fair thing to do.” Regard for oneself is foundational for extending regard toward others.
Narcissists might claim healthy self-esteem as they of tend to personal essentials, but what they call “self-esteem” is hardly that at all. Instead, many narcissists maintain an attitude of self-importance of such an inflated nature that it can be resemble arrogance on steroids.
Narcissists commonly operate under the influence of hubris, which is identified in many ways. Hubris is an attitude of insufferable superiority. It greatly exaggerates personal uniqueness, prompts condescension and is dismissive of others, with an extra dose of haughtiness thrown in. In hubris, a person refuses to admit wrong, but willingly speaks indicting words about others. It is at the foundation of insults. It dismisses any sense of remorse for harm done toward others. And it is unmoved by others’ cries for fairness.
The byproducts of hubris are many. For instance:
- Incapable of receiving direction.
- An astonishing lack of personal insight regarding personal skills.
- Easy tendency toward anger, rage, or punitive attitudes.
- Justifying mistreatment of others. (“They deserved it anyway.”)
- A broad lack of compassion.
- The absence of empathy.
- Holding grudges for a long time.
Taking it a bit further, we can ask: What is at the base of hubris? What causes a person become entrenched in such a pattern:
- Narcissists with hubris often are inclined toward sociopathic tendencies. To them, rules are irrelevant. They conform with communal standards only as it suits their narrative. They have little respect for authority beyond their own.
- Early in life, people with hubris became impressed by authoritarian themes. They presumed that placing Self in the authority role equates to success. They learned to seize power by assigning to others the role of the subordinate. Competitive thinking became baked into their engagement style.
- Narcissists with hubris tend to be abusive. There is a strong possibility that they were abused elsewhere, so they compensate by becoming the one who doles it out.
- Their defenses are off the charts. These individuals absolutely cannot become personally vulnerable. Admitting weaknesses is far too risky for them. They cannot laugh at themselves, nor will they allow others to tease. They fear appearing “just normal.”
- They are driven by raw selfishness, even if it leads to personal calamities. They do not form friendships, only assets. They do not trust, meaning self-elevation is all they care about.
In other words, hubris is a very disturbing pattern of compensating for profound insecurity.
When faced with a narcissist eaten up with hubris, know that any relationship with such a person will not go well. What they project as strength is 100% posturing. Persistent scorn is built into the equation. Ultimately, they are driven not by confidence, but contempt.
Lay down any yearning for validation from that person. Since they feel no need to listen, your efforts to find favor will fail. That said, remove yourself from that person when possible. Then prepare for the blame the hubristic person will throw at you. It’s simply what they do.
I know it can sound defeatist or pessimistic to write off a person as a bad apple. But once hubris has taken over the personality of one already inclined toward narcissism, the results are virtually never pretty. They will insist upon you playing along with their self-importance, meaning your pain is part of their game.
Esteeming yourself is wonderful when it is grounded in a true appreciation for the dignity inherent in each life. But when esteeming Self is accomplished at the expense of the other, and when no remorse is felt for diminishing others, connection becomes a lost cause. Move on and don’t look back.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
