It’s frustrating enough to witness narcissists being self-absorbed, controlling, condescending, and so on. But narcissists will take their pathology a step further by displacing their psychopathology onto you. Unwilling to grow, they spread discomfort perpetually by their criticism, anger, dishonesty, and insensitivity.
As you remain connected with a narcissist, one pattern stands out as their most consistent, worst instinct. That is, narcissists think: “I must neutralize you.” More than minimizing you, they try to render you useless. Elimination of your influence is their goal, as is elevating themselves at your expense. Narcissists wish to break your spirit, subjugating you to themselves. They need you to submit to their “obvious” superiority.
There are multiple ways you can detect such a mindset:
- Reminding you (rudely) that they are the standard bearer.
- Not just seeing you as wrong, but worthless.
- Responding to differences with disgust.
- Refusing to receive input from you.
- Showing a lack of curiosity about you (beyond learning your weaknesses).
- Being psychologically lazy, making little effort to collaborate or learn.
- Griping, complaining, expressing annoyance about your many presumed flaws.
- Humiliating you, kicking you when you are down.
- Displaying a nasty temper when you protest or refuse to conform.
As they bring such tendencies into the equation, they create then perpetuate an atmosphere of contempt. This ultimately becomes the foundation for abuse. Additionally, they generate feelings of loneliness within you, along with agony and the craving for something much better.
As they neutralize you, they are actually stimulated when you become angry, defensive, or guarded. Unwilling to acknowledge their own dysfunctions, they seize upon the opportunity to blame and accuse. Naturally, as this occurs, bitterness and exasperation build to the extent that you frequently nurse feelings of regret for ever knowing them.
“I must neutralize you.”
Is it possible to stay strong as the narcissists proactively seeks your demise? The answer is yes, although your best chances for survival lie in direct proportion to your separation from their toxicity. And even if physical separation is not entirely available, you can mentally and emotionally detach. It begins with you taking delight in your uniqueness. A good assignment would be to write out the multiple traits within you that are decent and honorable. This would require you to refute the narcissist’s conclusions about you. (You might verbally refute the narcissist or perhaps wisdom would lead you to refute via altered attitudes and priorities.)
Also, as it remains plain that narcissists wish to neutralize you, drop the illusion that you can force that person to cease being what he/she is. Narcissists are heavily dependent upon your responses to them as they seek stability, but you can mentally release them from the requirement to be your source for stability. They will fail at that task.
Maintain decency even when the narcissist is indecent. It may feel unnatural if you have a history of reacting strongly to that person’s pronouncements, but remind yourself that the narcissist is disqualified as your judge or exemplar. That said, become a student of right standards and remain true to yourself via action. You don’t need the narcissist’s permission to exercise the privilege of self-determination.
When narcissists illustrate the need to neutralize you, understand: You are witnessing the defense of projection. As narcissists denigrate, they are attempting to unload their own unfinished psychological tensions onto you. But it’s not your job to take on their psychological junk.
Your job is to ask: What does it mean to be free? What does the best version of myself look like? Who am I meant to be? In what circumstances can I empower myself as opposed to collapsing under their efforts to neutralize?
It’s both despicable and pitiable when anyone chooses to neutralize another. When the target is you, let’s hope you can determine: “I have too much self-respect to go along with any person who requires me to receive Alternate Reality.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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