When you conflict with a narcissist, it’s likely you have thought: “I just can’t get through to this person.” No matter how diplomatic you are, no matter how cleanly you present your thoughts, the conversation quickly turns into a competition for one-upmanship.
Built into the narcissistic pattern of life is a need to claw one’s way into the superior position, to be dominant. Making it worse, the roles are already predetermined. You are the designated loser while the narcissist will be the winner. And by winner, the narcissist means: You must accept your inferior status. I’ll not allow you to hold me accountable. Your input is unnecessary. You will be crushed if you try to push back.
As the reality of the narcissist’s need to win persists, futility can settle in. Perhaps you’ll think: But this is someone I have to work with, or co-parent with, or attend family functions with, or wake up next to each morning. This is no way to coordinate on any matter, large or small.
And yet, the narcissist takes counsel from no one, or at least, not from you.
As you determine the wisest ways to respond to the competitive narcissist, it can first be helpful to understand what drives them to win. Keep in mind, they are in a constant mindset of compensation, having many unresolved personal matters that shape their relationship style. There are numerous problems they carry inwardly, and despite their efforts to justify their attitudes, they are pervasively troubled souls.
They are driven by problems like:
- Profound self-centeredness, inhibiting their capacity to understand you.
- Outer arrogance, inner insecurity.
- Off-the-charts defensiveness.
- Paranoia, which fuels cynicism.
- Unresolved struggles with guilt, shame, and rejection.
- A deep history of poisonous influences.
- A deep history of feeling misunderstood.
- Fear of being considered a loser.
As they attempt to draw you into their “fixed” psychological games, they illustrate how they do not see you as a relationship, but as an arrangement. Soft traits (tenderness, patience, humility, empathy) scare them. Analytical thinking is suspended, if they are inclined to think that way in the first place. Instead, they make heavy use of imperative thinking, as evidenced by words like have to, must, supposed to, and should.
I must win, you must lose. Such is the thinking of one who bears many psychological scars. Instead of responsible self-reflection, it’s easier (and lazier) to project their pain onto you.
As you ponder the sad truth of a narcissist’s need to belittle, remind yourself, their pronouncements are a commentary, not about you, but about their troubled state of mind. Let this soak in: When one person must label the other person a loser in order to feel like a Somebody, that is a person who absolutely does not grasp civility or decency. Worse, such a person does not comprehend the supremacy of love.
Instead, the narcissist’s need for dominance implies:
- Hate wins.
- Belittling wins.
- Insults are the foundation for influence.
- Goodness is overrated.
- Truth is what I say it is. I AM the truth.
What a sad, misguided approach toward life.
When you come face to face with one whose thinking is so distorted that you must become a foil for their egotistic needs, remind yourself that such a person does not have the final say about who you are. Pull away from the temptation to enter into battle…it won’t end well. Put as much distance as common sense allows between you and that individual. And as often as possible, choose separate, healthier priorities.
Then remind yourself that the winning approach to life is love. Paradoxically, love wins because love has no need to win. Such an insight is lost on the narcissist.
~Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
