If you are connected with a very pathological narcissist, there is a high probability that you have experienced ongoing stress, and are blamed for any strain that is present.
Narcissism is a pattern on a spectrum. It includes tendencies toward controlling attitudes and behaviors, low empathy, self-centeredness, sense of entitlement, need for superiority, need to feel important, excessive defensiveness, and exploitive behaviors. Each person has moments when these traits show up, and when they are persistent, we refer to it as narcissism. Some individuals, however, have an extra measure of pathology making their narcissistic traits especially problematic. Their penchant for control and manipulation makes relationships quite toxic. This is called pathological narcissism.
If you can understand what you are up against, you can be freed from the unnecessary emotional baggage they wish to impose upon you. Narcissists wish to dominate you, but that can happen only as you cede your will to them.
A primary feature I watch for to determine if narcissism is of the extreme nature is the exaggerated disregard for others needs and feelings. Pathological narcissists have very low empathy to the extent that they register little or no remorse for the pain they cause. They do not see, nor do they care about another’s dignity. They are characterized by hostile feelings, especially in moments of disagreements, and their anger is aggressive. They show disdain for accountability, and they feel beholden to no one other than themselves. In simple terms, they are just plain mean.
If you are entangled with someone who shows signs of pathological narcissism, there is a high probability that the narcissist sized you up and determined that you would be vulnerable to their manipulative schemes. You were chosen. These people are predators looking for those they can emotionally dominate. That being the case, they have “assigned” you the role of the inferior member of the team. To them, theirs is the only voice that matters, and they hope you forget to listen to yours.
Knowing this, you can determine to choose a different path. You’re not required to be that person’s emotional punching bag. Knowledge is power, so once you become enlightened about life on the far end of the narcissistic spectrum, you can become poised to make decisions about how you should proceed.
Following is a list of 20 primary indicators of pathological narcissism.
With the narcissist in mind, place a check next to the indicators that are consistent within that person. Once you get a score, we will determine how to interpret what you experience.
- Feeling truly exceptional, they find few (if any) flaws within themselves.
- Zero need to reciprocate the good deeds others give toward them. “I’m deserving, you are not.”
- No sensitivity to the pain they inflict upon others.
- Will vilify and punish anyone who corrects them or attempts to call them out.
- A vain attitude of superiority over others.
- Never does good without the expectation for a personal payoff.
- Caustic and destructive in the midst of anger or conflict.
- Willfully deceptive. Keeper of secrets.
- Disdain for rules. “You need rules, but they don’t apply to me.”
- No discernable sense of life’s meaning or purpose beyond self-promotion.
- In any relationship, they must be in control; they must be the final authority.
- Mentally, emotionally abusive, sometimes including physical abuse or threats.
- Absolutely will not reveal personal hurts or errors in judgment.
- Criticism and scrutiny are chronic.
- Expectation of privileged and favored treatment is strong.
- Readily devalues and ridicules those deemed “less-than.”
- Talks at you, not with you. Uses forceful, rigid reasoning. Communication is one-way.
- Drawn toward people or activities that represent power.
- Awkward, uncomfortable with tender emotions or the need to show compassion.
- Impressed with outer displays of exceptionalism (possessions, titles, associations, social connections, physical appearance, awards, etc.)
Scores:
If you checked 1-6 items, there is a low likelihood of pathological narcissism. Each person is capable of moments when discernment is missing. In this person’s case, when insensitivities occur, you should find them open to discussing your concerns. Narcissistic pathology is possible with these people, but apparently not common. Usually when individuals have only a few such narcissistic leanings, they are capable of making healthy and reasonable adjustments.
If you checked 7-12 items, the likelihood of pathological narcissism is fairly prominent. Though not entirely consumed with oneself, these individuals have enough self-serving tendencies that it is more than just a passing matter. They are likely to perpetuate strain and tension in many relationships. They may have an inclination toward creating a positive public image, but they can be much less engaging once they are out of the spotlight. Discussions with these people might produce productive adjustments, but they will need strong accountability measures. They are likely to fall back onto old habits rather easily.
If you checked 13 or more items, there is a strong indication for pathological narcissism. Self-absorption and manipulative behaviors define this person. They have a low capacity for collaboration in relationships, and they are not at all willing to consider the needs and perspectives of those surrounding them. Inevitably, they lack the sufficient empathy to do the work of relationship problem solving. To these people, engagements with others are merely transactions. They see the people surrounding them as tools to further their self-serving plans. When others refuse to bow to their entitled ways, they are quite willing to discard them, and the results are predictably painful. If you find yourself entangled with such a person, you are likely to suffer emotionally with a broad array of emotional reactions. These people are toxic.
Your Response
When you are connected with a pathological narcissist, there are certain do’s and don’ts to remember. These are people who are not likely to receive input, nor are they inclined to change. Being very full of themselves, they shun input from those they deem inferior. They truly believe they need no adjustment.
When these narcissists persist in their dysfunctional ways, don’t:
*Plead for them to be more understanding. It won’t happen.
*Defend or justify your feelings, attitudes, or behaviors. They will only use it as an opportunity to be more demeaning.
*Attempt to teach them the better ways to respond. They already think they are better.
*Threaten them or make insulting remarks. It will only inflame them.
*Assume you are an inadequate person. To the narcissist, you are inadequate, but they don’t have a good track record for being objective.
*Assume they will become nicer if you just appease them and do as they command. That is called enablement.
Instead, there are some positive ways to respond to the pathological narcissist. Keep in mind that these responses are not for the purpose of making them see the light. Rather, they are for the purpose of positioning yourself to be the healthiest version of yourself. Given the fact that pathological narcissists are not team players, you will need to take upon yourself the task of self-care, knowing they will not appreciate your perspective.
When faced with pathological narcissists, do:
*Accept the reality of your situation. The relationship is not what you wish for, yet it simply is what it is.
*Be firm with your personal boundaries. Pathological narcissists want to direct your decisions and priorities. But it is okay, even necessary, to say “no” or “I have other plans,” or “I’m not going to participate in this debate.”
*Be strategic. Pick and choose carefully if and when you will spend time with this person. Keep your exposures minimal, and when possible, have allies with you.
*Expose yourself to people who appreciate you for who you are. Pathological narcissists like to isolate you from others, but you are under no obligation to appease. Let others remind you that you are appreciated for who you are.
*Anticipate scenarios when the narcissist will likely act out. Rehearse in advance your strategies for self-care.
*Exit the relationship if that is an option. The longer you remain under the influence of a pathological narcissist, the more it will generate emotional duress. You deserve better.
A key component of healthy living is the willingness to receive insight and positive suggestions. Healthy people want to grow and they welcome the opportunity to learn. But a fatal trait often accompanies this healthy mindset. That is, healthy people want others to join them in the effort. With like-minded individuals, this can be rewarding. But with pathological narcissists, it can be disastrous.
Know what you are facing, and rather than putting all your efforts into either changing or appeasing the pathological narcissist, take care of your legitimate needs.
Les Carter, Ph.D.
First, thank you Dr. Carter for the easy to understand articles. Much of what I see on NPD is clinical, with difficult terminology. Please, keep them coming!!
I divorced my apparently “pathological” narcissistic ex husband (according to your questionnaire!), 10 years ago. But because we have two children together, I had to try and co-parent with him. I did not know the word narcissism back then, so tried all of the wrong methods to work with him. Sadly, the kids are now 18 and 20, and while they are geographically away from him, in college, he successfully alienated them from me, and a year has passed since I last saw them or heard their voices. I was/am the financial provider, so they spent most of their time in his care, especially after I had to relocate for work, five hours away. (I did a LOT of driving!) A month after the 2010 divorce, he married an equally self-absorbed, critical woman/step-mother, who joined in the aggressive efforts not to include me in decisions regarding the kids. My son once attempted suicide, after a punishment by my ex, for my son having been caught smoking pot. My ex grounded our 16 year old son from May until the day before school in August. No phone, no computer, no communication with friends, and the door to his room, removed. I believe the 3 1/2 months of total isolation, then immediately starting school, was a catalyst in the suicide attempt. While in treatment, said he’d rather live in a halfway house than return to his toxic home. But, he did, and is thankfully better due to therapy and meds. As an aside, my ex did not call to tell me of the suicide attempt. I learned of it four days later, while in town expecting to meet my son for breakfast. Only then did my ex suggest we “talk” by phone. My ex also described the attempted hanging of our son, as “just attention seeking behavior”. It chills me to this day.
I never introduced the concept of NPD to the kids, to explain our feelings of intimidation by their father. Now, they are in what I’ve read is “cognitive dissonance”, and have said they want nothing to do with me, although they remain on my work health insurance plan, so I can see any appointments or treatment they receive. I can only email them, as they have blocked me in all other ways. I regularly write supportive emails, expressing my unconditional love, and promise that I’m only a phone call away.
Dr. Carter, in your opinion, with no responsibility for me whatsoever, medically or psychologically, do you think it would serve any purpose to introduce the concept of their dad’s sickness, or, would you have any other recommendations for me to do, beyond my regular emails?? My son is doing well, but my 20 year old daughter is promiscuous and exhibiting self-destructive behaviors, ie; pulling out all of her eyelashes. Btw, both kids text/call my mom weekly, so I know how they are doing. I am also in therapy, and in great hands. With much gratitude, thank you, K.
dear Katherine, my name is Nicu harajchi. A father of 3. i am going thru the same as you.. except that my daugther is 10, i know she loves me but she has been so parental alienated against me that she prefers to have no contact with me. This summer my daughter started having stomach pain, my ex wouldn’t take her to the doctor, in fact the more pain my daugther had the more she would get punished… and i can only watch as a spectator 🙁 it was only when i got social services involved that my ex would stop the isolation of my daughter.. the story is longer and so much, so much pain….. i dont know what more to write, at the moment, lots of love, hugs… nicu
Please Dr. Carter, tell us how to deal with this, I see my own daughter being destroyed in front of my eyes and it is also taking me down 🙁
It’s no accident that about a year ago in June 2019 Jesus led me to Dr Carter and my education process about narcissism began. Never heard about this, for years had been tearing myself apart trying to cope with and understand what the hell had gone wrong with my marriage. My sweet angel was not there, he called it traveling down a river in separate canoes. Of course I want to be in the same canoe with you , “you need help “ he would tell me. Ok, help me, tell me what you are talking about. He drew a diagram on the bathroom mirror of the pit I was in and told me he was‘willing’ to help me if I admitted how screwed up I was and would do what he said. That didn’t work so well, I could hardly control my outbursts of laughter at this point. He failed to see the humor in the approach to fixing his wife. I did go to a therapist for the first time in May 2017, he insisted on a private appt. With a written list in hand, proceeded to tell the therapist what had to be FIXED about me for him to remain married to me.
I believed we still had marriage vows, promises we made to each other one Spring day in 1993.Was I wrong, today I believe it was all fake from the very beginning and I chose this man after searching most of my life for him.
Today is my 67th birthday, he has already taken 2/3 of the money from my 401K before I reached my retirement age of 66.Why? I thought we had a marriage , he would say he needs money for whatever and it’s my turn to pony up. Then, when I refused, he threatened to find a judge who would issue a warrant for my arrest and I would go to jail if I didn’t give him xdollars without him having to ask on a particular day of the month. I caved until I learned this was utter garbage.
September is not just my birthday month. Last year during September, he took $20,000.00 from his 401K on the 19th, bought himself an RV and parked it on our ranch. Then on the 21st day of September, he filed for divorce. I didn’t get the word about the filing until November, he was too cheap to have me served and doesn’t know why I didn’t know.
I quit giving him money. He has not given me a nickel for financial support in 19 months,nothing toward medical care or insurance, no prescriptions, I drive an 18 year old truck with over 200,000 miles on it and the maintenance of it is on my shoulders also.
We owned our home free and clear without any type of lien and sold it this summer.Now I am essentially homeless as the apt I rented on Social Security income flooded. He is in his own RV on our land and the land payment is made from income that comes every month from an investment out of state.
Proceeds from the sale of the house, he managed to have tied up in his attorney’s escrow account to attempt to coerce me into agreeing to pay half his bills before we split the leftovers. Not
My attorney fees have reached $22,000.00 and final hearing is November 16th. Mediation was an expensive bust. I have rented a room @$700.00 per month, but all the money coming in is only $1600/mo and I simply want to know if in your opinion you see anything that resembles justice for me or the hope that it is coming? Thank you for listening. Sandy