Once you clash with a narcissist, you learn quickly that they will initiate psychological warfare. Being strongly competitive, they naturally think: “I’m right, you’re wrong. I must be dominant. Vulnerability doesn’t work for me. When you refuse my requirements, I’ll make you feel miserable.” This means when you clash, they have already designated themselves as the winner and you as the loser.
As you push back against such a mindset, narcissists instinctively punish. It usually comes in the form of ugly, insulting anger. Likewise, they become non-cooperation. They initiate smear campaigns. They withhold favors. They can withdraw and stonewall. Their punitive tactics are many and varied.
As they punish, their goal is your humiliation. They want to create enough pain to make you regret ever coming against them. And they wish to establish a caste system, a hierarchy where they get to be permanently superior. Their humiliating attitude indicates how they deny your very humanity, treating you as an agitating nuisance.
All this begs the question: Should you punish the narcissist in reverse? Should you give them a taste of their own medicine? Obviously, in criminal cases, punishment is a part of the process of applying justice. But what about non-legal matters inside families, work settings, social connections, and so forth?
Punishing a narcissist is always an option, in the sense that you can give them the same foul treatment they dish out. But with such an option, you run the risk of swatting the hornet’s nest as they would predictably retaliate with a “game-on” attitude. Is that what you want?
Another option is to offer discipline, which in the classical sense means you would educate them about your needs and the ways coordination could be found. Most people, however, find that narcissists are not inclined toward learning about how to manage relationships in a wholesome manner. They just want your deference.
My go-to response to the punitive narcissist is the application of boundaries, but for this option to work, you would need a keen understanding of boundaries. Many people assume that setting boundaries means you’re supposed to tell a narcissist no, explaining what you will or will not do with them. Such a tactic is a small part of boundaries, but it often does not satisfy. For example, a very high percentage of people confess that saying no to a narcissist almost never ends well since the narcissist will be predicably argumentative and contrarian.
So, what does it mean to apply boundaries with a mean-spirited narcissist? Foremost, having boundaries requires you to remain true to yourself. As you maintain boundaries, you understand it is not your job to rearrange a narcissist’s thoughts or priorities. (That’s not going to happen anyway.) Likewise, you will have no need to enter into circular arguments. Instead, you will remember the attitudes and behaviors of that person are outside your control.
As you initiate boundaries, you will make room for common unpleasant truths. For instance:
- The narcissist thinks you are stupid, and you are not likely to change such a thought.
- Harmony with a narcissist is not likely, at least not in the long term.
- Narcissists have a low comprehension of love and respect. They are transactional.
- You will be repeatedly invalidated. It’s what they do.
- The narcissist is prone to misrepresent you to others.
While all that sounds unappealing, remind yourself that boundaries mean you will exercise your privilege to choose how you will act and prioritize. You will deem yourself an independent agent who gets to decide if and how you will engage with that person. It means you will contemplate important questions about how you will manage yourself, especially in moments of conflict. For instance, you would ask:
- What traits do I want to prioritize? What is my definition of a healthy me?
- Do I really need the narcissist’s cooperation and approval before I can lean into my definition of Self?
- When the narcissist is rude, mean, or uncooperative, can I have the presence of mind to rise above my own raw emotions of the moment? What would that look like?
- Am I willing to be proactive with separate choices and plans?
- Rather than thinking of boundaries as saying no to a person, can I think of it as saying yes to myself?
- Can I withstand the narcissist’s inevitable scorn and condemnation?
- When the narcissist becomes unmanageable, what self-protective measures are available to me?
- How can I incorporate behavioral assertiveness? That could include following through with common-sense consequences. It could mean setting my own internal stipulations for any continued contact. It could mean withdrawing physically.
- Am I willing to seek the counsel and assistance of wise supporters?
Punishment is the narcissist’s game. They want little more than to diminish those who do not feed their shaky ego. But people with healthy boundaries decide: “I choose not to be a game player. I do what makes sense. And if the narcissist persists in being, well, narcissistic, I’m not shocked. I’ll make quality decisions that prioritize my personal safety and healing. When the narcissist remains emotionally disturbed, that is not my problem to solve. I prioritize goodness, beginning with goodness toward myself.”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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