You are probably familiar with the teaching that narcissism is fear based. Narcissists fear being irrelevant. They fear being insignificant, a nobody. They fear being judged or mocked. They fear rejection. They fear being controlled. All this is illustrated by their predictable defensiveness, anger, secrecy, antagonism, and more.
Narcissists attempt to cover their fears by hiding behind the wall of a False Self. They pretend to be more confident or self-assured than is true. Needing to appear powerful, they give the appearance of impenetrability, when in fact, they are defined by phoniness.
Because of their pervasive fears, narcissists shy away from any hint of softness, since that would presumably invite trouble. To that effect, they are known for their unbending opinions. They can be stubborn, grounded in a know-it-all attitude. They are virtually always aggressive in the midst of conflicts. They insist upon your conformity. They attempt to motivate others via pain induction. Self-gratification is far more important than helping others.
(By the way, some narcissists think of themselves as loving and charming, but in those moments, they “love” only the fantasy of what you could do for them.)
Power, dominance, invincibility, forcefulness…these are the calling cards of the narcissist. Why? They refuse to admit their chronic struggles with inadequacy. Having a deep history of comparing themselves to an impossible ideal, they resort to portraying themselves as more self-assured than they really are. And if meanness needs to be employed in the process, so be it.
Consider some prominent examples of narcissists eschewing softness in favor of a hard exterior. For instance, sometimes they parent with over-the-top harshness. They can create misery in marriages or extended family settings due to their unwillingness to blend or harmonize. Socially or in work settings, they can be conniving, back-stabbing. If they find their way into leadership positions, they emphasize authority and correctness, as if they are the only ones who can be trusted to make decisions.
If you were to suggest to narcissists that they should lighten up, they would scoff. They reject the idea of openness or gentleness. In fact, softness confuses them since they must keep the appearance of superiority.
When we emphasize the need for soft traits, what does that imply? Here are a few indicators:
- Empathy is prioritized. Sincere efforts are made to understand others’ feelings, perspectives, and back story.
- Coordination is common, as evidenced by the desire to harmonize in the midst of differences.
- Kindness is prominent. Gestures of goodwill are sincere.
- Encouragement is forthcoming.
- Patience is employed, guided by the realization that no one is ideal.
- Firmness can be present, while accompanied by decency.
- Boundaries are understood to be more than just knowing when to say no. They are anchored in a well-conceived sense of purpose and meaning.
- Love and respect are first nature.
- The need for control over others is contained. Decisiveness does not deteriorate into bullying behaviors.
- There is an ongoing focus on what is good, right, or pleasant.
Does that sound a bit utopian? Yes, and it is not likely that any of us will be as consistent as we’d like. Yet these soft traits are good goals to guide us.
When you challenge a narcissist to prioritize soft traits, they inevitably pronounce: “That’s stupid. You’re just asking to be run over if you live that way.” You see, narcissists have been trained to see life as a competition. There are winners and losers. Correct people and idiots. Those in charge and those who are subordinate.
Simply put, the softer side of life does not fit inside the narcissistic paradigm.
There is a common mistake you can make as you encounter the narcissist’s rough edges. That is, you can make it your task to “domesticate” the one who is rude and unruly. You can plead your case, begging them to chill out. You can defend yourself, explaining how you really know what you are talking about. You can express dismay at their anger. But as you do, the division between you and that narcissist only widens.
Narcissists take delight in crushing your spirit. To them, it proves their might, their invincibility. Worse, they justify how their overpowering attitudes are necessary, meaning they will double down on their worst traits. Psychological insight is not their strong suit.
As you experience the vitriol that accompanies the hardness of the narcissist, remind yourself that such a mindset is weakness. Lost on narcissists is the notion that dignity, respect, and civility are cornerstones for a life well-lived. Nonetheless, you can employ what I call positive stubbornness, moving forward with decisiveness and intentionality even as you remain decent. When “invited” into the narcissist’s hardened agitation, ask yourself: “In this moment, what does goodness compel me to be?”
Les Carter, Ph.D.
To watch the video on this topic, click here.
