If you have been bonded with an abusive narcissist for an extended period of time, you have inevitably been wounded and have learned that those wounds will not go away quickly.  You can heal, but it takes time and effort.  

By definition, narcissists are abnormally selfish and controlling, with an extra measure of condescension and exploitation thrown in.  Compound that with their pathological insecurity, defensiveness, lack of empathy, and false portrayals, and you wind with a formula for psychological chaos.

There are many tactics involved in the narcissist’s abusive treatment of you.  Beyond being controlling, they seek to create a significant power differential with you in the lesser role.  They offer much criticism.  Anger is just one false move away, and when conveyed, it can be harsh and punitive.  They rely heavily on defensive gestures like projection, rationalization, denial, and displacement.  Additionally, abusers often draw others into their efforts against you.  It’s called triangulation…them versus you.  You are easily held in contempt, and they have a long memory of wrongs you have committed.  And even when they seem nice, it doesn’t last.

All of these narcissistic abuse tactics are made worse by the tendency toward intermittent reinforcement.   That is, they are consistently inconsistent in their negative initiatives, which means you are commonly left guessing when and how painful the next episode will be.

As you experience the tension of living under the threat of a narcissist’s abuse, multiple symptoms can emerge within you.  For instance:

  • You can develop trust issues elsewhere, becoming hypervigilant.  
  • You fall into a mindset of assumed hostility, which means you expect difficulty even when the signs aren’t apparent.
  • You can carry your negative assumptions into regular relationships, wondering who will be the next person to treat you poorly.
  • You can quietly harbor embarrassment for being in your predicament.
  • Lacking peace, you might over-explain if questioned about a mistake or a different preference.
  • You can live with the chameleon effect, shape-shifting into what you think others want.
  • Your anger can be raw, given how weary you feel.
  • You may develop your own propensity for control, given how you have been controlled.
  • You can blank out, struggle with memory, feel confused by your identity.
  • Anxiety and worry can increase, as can depression.
  • You can have a “trash can” effect with your suppressed emotions.  That is, after holding them in too long, you have an internal sourness, much like a trash sack that needs emptying.

It is common to feel you have lost the person you once wished to be, prompting you to question: “Is it possible to overcome the symptoms associated with narcissistic abuse?”

Know that yes, you can recover.  Yes, you can find your way back onto the pathway toward healthiness.  Your recovery can begin as you realize that any person who shows ongoing disregard toward you has zero right to establish your identity.  It is essential that you lock down on such a belief.

To overcome the impact of abusive behavior, consider some key adjustments:

  1. Become objective about your subjective experiences.  Knowing the abuser will blame you for the relationship collapse, ask: What can I learn about the psychological make-up of the abuser?  What assumptions did that person make about me that were wrong?  Writing such thoughts into a journal would be beneficial.
  2. Disconnect as fully as possible from the abuser.  That person is troubled, but unwilling to come to terms with the pain they carry.  You do not have to remain as their receptacle.
  3. Define your normal.  What preferences and priorities deserve your focus?  What traits and skills will define you?      
  4. Develop plans for managing the emotional fallout.  What will you do with your anger?  How about that excessive guilt and shame that has been dumped onto you?  And the fear, how can it be mitigated?  If seeking therapy is warranted, jump in.  You can be a healthy initiator, not just an emotional reactor.
  5. Stop beating yourself up.  You’ve already received too much of that from the abuser.  Give yourself permission to be flawed.  Be patient.  You are deserving of worth and dignity.  Determine what that means.
  6. Eliminate self-sabotaging behaviors.  That could include substance abuse, excessive isolation, rebellion, wasteful spending, and the like.  Lean into decency and goodness.

While the goal of a narcissistic abuser is to render you helpless, remember, that person was/is driven by serious psychopathology.  You were the recipient of wrong messages, to the point of brainwashing.  Dedicate yourself, therefore, to education about balanced living.  No one can care for you quite as well as you care for yourself.

Maintain resolve, and remember…Dignity is your birthright.  Anyone who thinks differently needs to be removed from your sphere of influence.

~Les Carter, Ph.D.

Reclaim and rediscover your uniqueness.

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