When you have ongoing relations with a narcissist, a common theme often emerges.  You may have learned to manage some of the strains and tensions that come with the territory.  And perhaps you have developed coping mechanisms to prevent disagreements from becoming too disruptive.  But with narcissists being, well, narcissistic, they cannot contain their dysfunctions forever.  Something can be said or done which displeases that person, and boom, the narcissist turns on you with major vitriol.

For example, you may have a coworker who is territorial, constantly seeking preferential treatment.  For a while you can play along with the game, but one day you make a contrarian statement which brings out that person’s fury.  Or perhaps at a family gathering, you express an opinion about who-knows-what, and the narcissist is greatly offended, which then prompts a loud lecture meant to humiliate you.  In such scenarios, you can become a permanent fixture on that person’s Enemies List.

Despite appearing self-impressed, narcissists are thin-skinned people who cannot tolerate your independence.  Lacking internal peace, they are heavily dependent upon you to defer to them as they seek self-validating order.  Time reveals they lack the sufficient ego-strength to maneuver successfully through conflicts.  Their harsh reaction to your differentness illustrates the phenomenon of narcissistic collapse.

Unable to blend with those who differ, they are compelled to superimpose their opinions and preferences.  They refuse to go with the flow when others prove too distinct, so it becomes their task to minimize and overwhelm.  And when you do not acquiesce, the rift between you and the narcissist can become permanent.

Once this theme plays out, in retrospect you can usually identify red flags that were already in place.  Narcissists share all sorts of patterns that indicate weak coping skills.  For instance:

  • They are not comfortable with personal vulnerabilities, emanating from you or themselves.
  • They are hypersensitive to criticism.  They can dish it out, but cannot receive it.
  • You learn that other relationships in the narcissist’s past have also ended poorly.
  • They have a deep history of needing control, the last word in any disagreement.
  • They are easily stubborn, often showing passive aggressive non-conformity.
  • The narcissist’s phoniness comes into focus.  When they seemed congenial, it was part of a manipulative pattern.
  • They are scorekeepers, measuring carefully others’ utility.
  • You realize how deeply embedded anger is inside their personality.  Annoyance is persistent.

Furthermore, once they go all in with their contempt toward you, other predictable patterns emerge.  They cling to self-serving revisionist interpretations of your good qualities.  You are labelled as the phony one.  They no longer stifle their inclination toward anger and a contrarian attitude.  It’s out in the open for all to see.  They run smear campaigns against you.  They threaten to bring you down or expose you (whatever that might mean).  

All this can leave you in a state of disbelief.  You might recall how you had at least some coordination with that person, but that has been blown up.  Your natural inclination will be to defend yourself, although once you are on the narcissist’s bad list, all reasoning is shot.  You may even try to convince that person of the inconsistencies in their logic, only to have your words shoved back at you.

So, what should you do?  How can you respond to such hubris?  Because the narcissist has little to no inclination toward humility or restoration, you will need to release yourself from their harshness.  Rather than attempting to reform one who will not be reformed, you will need to accept the truth that they are too troubled to sustain goodness with you.  

Your healing can begin as you cling to three words:  So be it.  For instance:

  • You see me as the phony person in this relationship.  So be it.
  • Apparently, you have been storing up resentments toward me for a long time.  So be it.
  • Along with your aggressive rejection of me, you have declared yourself as The Victim.  So be it.
  • You will never again be able to appreciate my goodness.  So be it.
  • Forgiveness (assuming that is even an issue) is permanently off the table.  So be it.
  • You refuse to take responsibility for initiating our soured relations.  So be it.
  • Admitting faults or mistakes is not an option for you.  So be it.
  • You will continue to speak shame about me, ridiculing me to others.  So be it.
  • You will never admit how you have a deeply entrenched pattern of blowing up other relationships.  So be it.
  • You truly think of yourself as better than me.  So be it.
  • Though your anger has deep roots attached to all sorts of personal pain, you blame me for your bitterness.  So be it.

Objective reasoning reveals that most narcissists are ticking time bomb waiting for the opportune moment to explode.  Lacking insight, they must have a fall guy, and you are it.  But objectivity also reveals that they do not have to have the final word regarding your quality of life.  The narcissist’s opinions about you do not have merit.

That being the case, allow for your feelings of disillusionment and futility.  Move forward with personal boundaries intact.  Then anchor in the truth of your dignity and worth.  And when the narcissist persists with a negative view of you…so be it.  Move on.

Les Carter, Ph.D.

Turn your sensitivity into strength—discover the empath’s true superpower.

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