One of the saddest truths about narcissists is that their psychological significance is built upon diminishing you. Being defined by selfishness and control, they make no room for those who do not live according to their self-serving script. Narcissists approach relationships as transactions, meaning they do not feel the need to nurture the personal needs of the other. They prioritize what they can take from you.
Narcissists operate with the assumption that the mark of personal strength lies in direct proportion to the ability to be right and to dominate those who believe otherwise. This train of thought makes psychological abuse a logical next step in their quest to find significance. To them, power is where it’s at.
Sadly, as narcissists try to portray themselves as the ones who should lead the way, they are saddled by multiple troublesome patterns that make them susceptible to becoming abusive. Sometimes that abuse leads to physical displays, and most commonly, they abuse emotionally and mentally. For instance:
- Over the years, pessimism has built internally because they have poor ways of coping with messages of rejection. Being pervasively incompetent in managing hurt, they look toward others to provide the emotional stability they lack.
- Unwilling to submit to helpful assistance, they compensate for their inadequacies by appealing to entitled demands. They arbitrarily rationalize: “You owe it to me to hold me in high regard.”
- They are driven by idealistic notions about how life is supposed to make them feel. This prompts them to demand that you give them what they want. Their communication is grounded in imperative thinking. (You’d better, you’re supposed to, you have to, etc.)
- When others predictably do not conform to their entitled demands, anger takes over in an untamed manner. They are prone to harsh outbursts, unrealistic demands, blaming, shaming, coercion, and threats.
- Having no history of learning empathy, no effort is made to understand you. Such a skill is a foreign concept.
- They have an ongoing craving for affirmation, but it is not linked to love. They have close to zero conception of the meaning or the healing power of genuine love.
- Power and dominance are their psychological currency. They are consistently drawn to themes of authority, might, and conquering. This is illustrated in their entertainment preferences, religious practices (if they have any), politics, work practices, parenting, ect.
Having this undertow of psychological disturbance, they will commonly prioritize behaviors that demean others. They have no inner peace to draw upon, which means their internal chaos takes over as they require you to alter your lifestyle to satisfy their needs. This is why they resort to overpowering behaviors like:
- Consistent insults designed to bring you into submission.
- Calling your worth and goodness into question.
- Repeated use of threats, blame, and shame messages.
- Efforts to alienate you from supporters.
- Overwhelming outbursts of anger that remind you how miserable you will be if you do not conform.
- Passive aggressive tactics like deliberate non-cooperation and withdrawal of decency.
- Ongoing reminders of how better they are and how lowly you are.
- Very willing to humiliate you when their demands do not elicit the desired response.
- No regard for the pain they inflict. To them, you brought it upon yourself.
Your exposure to a narcissist’s abusive treatment can take its toll. You learn that openness with that person is too risky, so it prompts the suppression of emotions and the keeping of secrets. You are likely to withdraw from friends and allies due to emotional fatigue. You can doubt your common sense and wisdom. Your anger can be easily triggered as you grow weary of feeling edgy. You can be susceptible to a variety of health complications. Your defenses can be heightened, as can feelings of futility and hopelessness.
As it becomes apparent that the narcissist will remain entrenched in abusiveness, determine that you cannot remain in subjugation. Seek help whether it be with a mental health provider, your family physician, or an abuse shelter. You deserve better, and you do yourself no favors by remaining silent.
As a contrast to the abuser’s ill-informed messages, it is reasonable to seek dignity, respect, civility, kindness, fair treatment, understanding, and peace. As the narcissist proves incapable of meeting such yearnings, remind yourself…it’s time for significant changes. Your quality of life is hanging in the balance.
Les Carter, Ph.D.
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